Conversation with Self

The End

2010-11-15T13:42:00.003+08:00

As in today this blog is officially closed for business. I have decided to start writing my journal or daily runts on my IPAD from today onwards. It has been a wonderful 6 years writing this and i think it is time for me to move on to another plane; albeit much more private platform. Writing on this blog was a starting point for me to express myself and explore the daily conundrum that plagued me. It was an outlet. It was not perfect because I have chosen to censure details which I deemed private. I was not ashamed of who I am or what I have been through but I see it as my personal responsibility to be respectful and appropriate. True this might have stifled my expression but I think it has not in any way affected the message that I want to say. All in all I hope that my writing will continue to improve and flourish for years to come.

Letter To Abg Khairee

2010-04-22T23:50:00.002+08:00

An excerpt of letter I sent to Abg Khairee via FB recently:

Mohammed Zaki April 21 at 1:18am
Assalamualaikum abang Khairee

1. Terima kasih kerana masih sudi ingin mendengar perihal kisah hidup Zaki yang selama ini telah 'menghilang' dari radar.

2. Sebenarnya memang sudah lama Zaki simpan dalam hati akan pergolakan hidup Zaki. Tapi sejak beberapa tahun ini Zaki bersyukur dapat berkongsi pahit manis bersama beberapa teman rapat yang memahami kekalutan yang Zaki alami. Merekalah yang banyak memberi semangat dan nasihat. Antaranya ialah Cikgu.

3. Agak-agak 6 tahun yang lalu Zaki telah mengambil keputusan untuk memutuskan hubungan Zaki dengan bekas teman Simon. Setelah hampir setahun bersama, Zaki dapati hati Zaki semakin tidak tenang. Zaki selalu merasa gelisah dan sering bangun dari tidur dengan panic attack. Zaki selalu rasa berat dan susah hati. Nak kata masalah peribadi seperti masalah wang, takde. Tapi entah kenapa Zaki terus gelisah.

4. Memang Zaki boleh sifatkan diri Zaki sebagai orang yang confuse dari aspek identiti dan arah. Mana ke tidak? Sejak kecil, Zaki tidak pernah merasa kasih sayang dari ibu bapa atau keluarga yang sempurna. Hidup Zaki sewaktu kecil selalu di penuhi dengan deraan mental dan perasaan. Zaki tidak merasa dikasih atau dilindungi oleh ayah atau abang. Jadi Zaki dah biase hidup berdikari.

5. Masalahnya walaupun Zaki pernah ada crush dengan kawan perempuan ketika zaman persekolahan, Zaki tak pernah merasa diri Zaki confident sebagai seorang lelaki. Ini di burukkan lagi dengan sikap ayah dan abang yang suka mengecil-ngecilkan serta menjatuhkan air muka Zaki. Sewaktu kecil, Zaki adalah anak yang beremosi dan lembut. Jadi mereka ni suka ketawakan Zaki. Di sebabkan itu, daya confident Zaki rendah.

6. Tapi berbalik kepada 6 tahun lalu, walaupun berat untuk putuskan hubungan, Zaki nekad untuk mencari diri sendiri. Memang beberapa tahun itu Zaki banyak teman gay termasuk abang Khairee. Tapi apa bila Zaki membuat keputusan untuk mencari diri Zaki, Zaki mula layari lelaman Islam.online untuk mencari solusi masalah dalaman ini. Memang Zaki tak nafikan Zaki ade tarikan kepada lelaki. Tapi Zaki juga tahu bahwa untuk mengikuti nafsu dengan mengadakan hubunga seks dengan lelaki adalah haram dalam Islam. Jadi inilah yang menjadi dilemma Zaki.

7. Antara preskripsi untuk mengatasi homoseksualiti (daripada Islam Online) adalah untuk bertaubat serta memulakan lebaran baru dalam hidup. Ini termasuklah memutuskan semua kawan-kawan gay yang ade untuk memastikan Zaki jauh daripada unsur-unsur gay. Memang hati Zaki berat pada mula. Sebab diantara kawan gay yang Zaki ade, ade yang baik hati dan berkhemah. Tapi oleh sebab Zaki perlu mencari penyelesaian kepada masalah dalaman, Zaki turuti. Ada kawan yang Zaki sempat beritahu mereka akan niat Zaki. Mereka bersikap positif dan mengucapkan yang terbaik. Tapi yang ade, Zaki dengan perlahan-lahan jauhkan diri dengan harapan dengan waktu mereka akan melupakan Zaki. Zaki tak nak kecikan hati mereka.

8. Zaki ingat lagi satu malam setelah bersua daripada Simon, Zaki merasa sangat murung. I really don't know what to do. Zaki rasa sunyi sekali, seperti hanya seorang diri dalam dunia. Zaki talipon Cikgu untuk meminta tolong. Masih tu, dia belom rapat dan tahu sangat pasal Zaki. Tapi Cikgulah yang sanggup bersengkang mata dengarkan curahan hati Zaki ketika itu yang sangat sedih dan resah. Di perbualan kami dia bilang Zaki satu perkara saja "Kau angkat air sembahyang. Kau sembahyang."

9. Memang lama Zaki dah tak sembahyang. Bahkan pegang Al-Quran pon sudah tidak lagi. Mungkin sub conscious Zaki tahu bahawa ape yang Zaki buat selama itu bercanggah daripada hukum. Sebab itu Zaki tak buat ibadah. Zaki dah jauh dari Allah. Tapi malam itu Zaki sembahyang dan meminta Allah tunjukan Zaki jalan yang lurus.

10. Hakikatnya untuk mengubah corak hidup Zaki bukanlah semudah yang Zaki sangka. Banyak cubaan nafsu mendatang. Bukan itu saja, cubaan dalam betuk was was selalu berluluasa. Di tambahkan itu Zaki sering kemurungan dan hidup sendirian. Jadi apabila kemurungan melanda, Zaki sering rindu kepada masa lalu bersama Simon. Simon memang sedih Zaki putuskan hubunga, Dia tak faham kenapa Zaki nak putus. Kita happy bersama. Kita sefahaman. Tapi hanya Zaki aja yang sering rasa gelisah dan susah hati. Bukan pasal Simon tapi pasal cara hidup Zaki yang sudah lama menyimpang. Pada waktu-waktu lemah inilah Zaki sering mengadu kepada Cikgu. Dia lah akwan yang banyak memberi kata-kata semangat untuk terus bersabar.

11. Selepas beberapa bulan, seorang sahabat yang lain memberi Zaki sebuah kitab Al-Quran berbentuk translasi dalam bahasa Melayu. Disitulah Zaki mula membaca makna Al-Quran sehari demi sehari. Pada mula berat juga nak baca. Tapi lama kelamaan Zaki baca hampir setiap hari. Zaki sering highlight ayat-ayat yang bermakna untuk Zaki terutama ayat mengenai kaum Nabi Lut. Membaca ayat-ayat ini menguatkan Zaki azam Zaki untuk maju kehadapan.

12. Satu hari dimeja makan Zaki terfikir dalam diri "Aku nak belejar sesuatu. Tapi ape eh?" Zaki teringat mengenai kitab Al Quran yang dah 15 tahun Zaki tak sentuh. Zaki mula mencari guru mengaji. Dari satu orang ke satu orang, akhir Zaki dapat seorang guru yang sesuai. Zaki belajar dari mula.
Allahamdullilah daripada lidah yang telah keras sebab tak basah dengan bacaan al-quran hari ini bacaan Zaki sudah lancar dan fasih. Selama 5 tahun itulah rutin Zaki. Pergi kerja, pergi gym, pergi mengaji, pergi rumah mak, balik tidur.

13. Pasal nak cari teman pulak, memang hati Zaki ingin seperti orang lain. Cuma confident tak de. Zaki takut rejection. Zaki takut Zaki tak mampu mengangkat tanggung jawap nanti. Tapi walaupun tak de confident, bila tengok orang berfamili dan ade anak-anak, terasa teringin sekali. Sebab seumur hidup Zaki tak pernah rasa nikmat berkeluarga. Memang Zaki selalu tanya "Kenapa keluarga aku macam ni?" Ade keluarga tapi semua fikir pasal diri sendiri Tak de orang yang kisahkan pasal Zaki. Hanya mak Zaki yang selalu ambik tahu pasal makan minum sakit Zaki.

14. Zaki cuba usahakan cari jodoh. Masuk matrimonial websites. Pergi dating berkali-kali tapi hati rasa tak kena gaya. Mak Zaki pon ade cuba jalankan sebelum ini. Tapi Zaki tak berkenan. Jadi tak de ape-ape. Sewaktu pergi Bandung dengan Muz kawan baik semasa holiday pulak sempat kita singgah kejap ke Pesantren Aa Gym untuk cari bini! Hai kawan Zaki pon jadi tak kena gaya! Malu seh! Tapi I was determine. Cuma jodoh tak de disitu. Agaknya Uztaz kat sana pon tak berani nak recommend. Dalam hati diaorang agaknya terfikir "Budak-budak ni macam desperado aje..Ape hal pulak ni?!"

15. Tapi tahun lepas, Zaki teringat ade buat doa kepada Allah ketika akhir bulan Ramdhan untuk mendapatkan teman hidup yang terbaik dan selari untuk Zaki. Pada masa itu Zaki rasa sedih sangat. Tak tahu kenapa. Tapi selang beberapa hari selepas Hari Raya, mak Zaki kata (hai, tak give up give up mak aku ni!), ade satu pakcik jual daging kat pasar nak kenalkan anak saudaranya kepada Zaki. Zaki suruh dia tunjukkan gambar. Tapi Zaki takde mengharap apa-apa pun. Cuba-cuba ajelah. Tak semestinya setujukan.

16. Bila tengok gambar dia beberapa hari kemudian, Zaki berkenan pula pada pandangan pertama. Tapi Zaki tak tunjukkan air muka kepada mak. Dengan selamba, Zaki minta dari mak nombor budak perempuan ni. Selang beberapa hari Zaki talipon dia dan kita berbual. Dari situlah kita berkenalan dan mempelajari hati budi masing-masing.

17. Allahamdullilah sewaktu perkenalan kami terdapat banyak tanda-tanda yang muncul seperti menunjukkan Zaki ini adalah pilihan yang tepat. Ia seakan memudahkan perhubungan kami. Dan allahamdullilah keluarga tunang Zaki menerima Zaki dengan hati terbuka. Keluarga dia berlainan daripada keluarga Zaki. Mereka rapat dan sopan. Zaki tak pernah sangka masih ade juga keluarga seperti ini sekarang!

18. Jadi kami bertunang selama 6 bulan. Dan bulan depan pada tanggal 9 haribulan Mei, kita akan diijapkabulkan, insya'allah.

19. Maafkan Zaki sekiranya tidak pernak berhubung atau cuba menerangkan perkara sebenar kepada abang Khairee. Zaki sayangkan abang Khairee. Zaki tak nak mengimposekan pendapat Zaki kepada abang. Tapi ape yang Zaki tahu ialah kita disini ade lah untuk diuji. Kadang-kala ujian itu datang dalam bentuk penyakit seperti kanser, kepincangan keluarga, didera, peperangan dan pelbagai musibah. Untuk kita adalah sifat gay.

20. Tapi Zaki harap abang renungilah seikhlas-ihklas dalam hati abang mengenai perjalan hidup abang. Ape tujuan kita yang sebenar? Apakah hidup ini adalah segala-galanya? Atau apakah ade perjalan yang akan kita tempuhi selepas ini? Abang Khairee seorang yang sangat bijak dan berjiwa lembut. Kadang-kala Zaki harap Zaki ade kepandaian dan bakat semula jadi macam abang. Jadi hanya abang Khairee sajalah yang boleh memberi jawapan kepada soalan ini.

21. Kita sebagai kawan hanya boleh mengikatkan sesama kita saja. Kita ingatkan bukan kerana nak mengutuk tapi untuk membantu. Seperti Zaki katakan Zaki sayangkan abang Khairee dan Zaki ingin sekali kita bersama dengan kawan-kawan yang lain disatu waktu kelak, insya'allah.

22. Zaki harap abang renungilah pesanan Zaki. Kita masih jauh lagi perjalanan abang. Zaki harap abang juga akan membuat pilihan yang tepat, insya'allah:)

Assalamualaikum

My Berlin Walls

2010-04-06T13:06:00.007+08:00

Susan Jeffers said in her book to feel the fear and do it anyway. I have always been fearful. Of people. Of learning. Of making friends. Of opening up and reaching out. Hence I avoid them totally. I don't try. When I don't try and practice all these skills, I lose my self confidence in my own ability. Doubts set in. I feel defeated inside.

The questions is why do I feel this fear? I feel fearful because I have never felt that I am worthy as person. I felt that others will not accept me if they know what I really am. I fear that people are out to humiliate me. I am not good enough. At least I think I am not as good as everybody else. These are all the thoughts my Berlin walls. They hold me back from growing. Where do I get them? My childhood. They are still there. I need to break them down. But how?

If these destructive thoughts are in my head, technically I can pull them down myself. But its not as simple as that. Why? Because I am used to them that they give me a reason for my failures or lack the satisfactory life performance. But keeping them up is also making me miserable because I am holding back myself from growing and discovering my true potential. There is one part of me that is telling myself that I am more than what I think I am; that sitting by these walls are n't going to make me happy. That part of me is the part which likes to be my best at whatever I do.

Not all parts of my life are restricted by the Berlin Wall. I am quite good at other parts like in cooking, reciting the Quran, being self discipline, keeping myself fit, managing myself, saving and investing and holding a job. Hence it is only certain areas that I am lagging especially when it comes to human relationship and education. The only way for me to overcome these 'limitations' are to simply just do them on a daily basis. They seems intimidating mysterious. That is because where I grew up as a family we don't talk to each other and express ourselves. Hence my communication skills are being utilized. Over time they get rusty.

Similarly when it comes to learning, I never really organize my learning. I don't do it on a daily basis. Hence again I don't develop the necessary skills (which require practice). All I have to do is to get back to them. Insya'allah I will be proficient again. Fear exist because you have not done it for a while and you are not sure what to do. That is normal. But once you start you will pick yourself up and learn.

Hence this marriage will be a great opportunity for me to re-build my communication skills. I will have to force myself to express myself. I know with practice I will get back and recover. Same with learning. Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep doing assignments. When I am doing them keep in mind that the purpose of learning is to acquire knowledge and discover. It is not about grades anymore. When I am enjoying what I am learning the grades will take care will take of it self.

So for a start, set small but achievable goals. Do it despite your initially negative feelings. They will go away once you start doing.

Managing My Expectations

2010-04-04T22:50:00.014+08:00

What can I do to manage my expectations so that I can work towards consistent effort? I have the tendency to wanting to accomplish a lot within a short period of time. That is why I get stressed up. To compound the problem, I have a perfectionist streak which of course make me feel inadequate when whatever I am doing is not up to par. Then I keep procrastinating hoping that either a good idea will eventually turn up like a postman at the door. Or I pretend that what I have to do is not important. I start to make a lot excuses like "My schedule is jam packed", "I am not in the mood", "I am busy running errands"and so forth. Before I know it the dateline has pass. And I don't do anything about it. Thus when I get depress all these things that I am supposed to get done haunt me. I feel guilty about not doing them. I scrape my self confidence little by little. Soon enough I start to doubt myself and my ability. Finally I lose all hope.

It sounds rather dramatic. I know my vicious cycle well. I am trying to figure out how to start managing my expectations and stress. Earlier I sat on the boardwalk along Zhong Xiao East Road in Taipei digesting my rather mouthering meal of stir fried beef. I realize that I have the bad habit of trying to do things too much at one time. When I can't do it well, I either procrastinate or give up. But it is not that I can't do the things that I want (to study or write). But I need to learn to break down whatever I am doing in small bite pieces. Then do it well. That means when I commit myself to read or write, I think of nothing else but to throw myself into the activity with careless abandonment. Lose myself inside literally.

Of course before I do that I got to set goals. These goals will allow me to see where I am going. So I can monitor my progress on a daily basis. It is going to be a long process. But if I can study for just 30 mins a day, imagine the amount of things that I can study in a month? Or what about writing? If I can write just 30 mins daily imagine what I am capable to churn by month's end?

Then there is the flexibility factor. I can set a realistic goal of studying a chapter in 2 weeks. Then I simply divide the amount of pages to cover in that 14 days. Everyday I read and study just that required amount. But I must make sure that I devote my mind and soul to really study. Still I must be flexible enough to accomodate my other activities like working, spending time with family, workign out, house keeping. The world do not stand still just because I want to study or write. My life still has to go on. Hence juggling time and activities become an art.

How do I do it then? I priorities. Write down all the datelines in the schedule. Then write down time that I need to do everything except study. Priorites my days between high task and low task activities. High task means activities will brings greatest benefit to me. Low task are things that need to get done but do not bring value (like paying the bills, laundry, preparing meals for the week, ironing clothes). Write a daily goal list in my journal. This must include activities that bring me closer to completing my goals. For example, suppose my goal is to complete an assignment by next week, list down things I got to do. Then each day do something from that list. Strike it off when its done. Hence I will be motivated to see that I am progressing. That will spur me on; to challenge myself to complete the assigment faster.

It will take time for me to get into this mode of thinking and doign things. But I believe that once I get the ball rolling, I will be hooked in no time. They say that it takes 21 days to acquire a habit. Hence why don't I start tommorow and see what happens at the end of the 21th day? Record my thoughts here. What goes through my mind. When I feel sluggish and depress, take a break. Give myself self some space. If something takes my attention away, don't fret and be angry that things don't turn out as smoothly as I hope for. Simply pick myself and continue from where I last left off. The key here is being flexible. After all I am not reporting to anyone. So have fun!

I must make effort to see the value of doing things in bite size pieces rather than seizing to do a project at one go. I will only disappoint and frustrate myself. Like they say "How do you eat an elephant? One piece at a time". So same concept here. Another way to remind myself that I am capable to change my way of thinking is to reflect on bodybuilding. How did I get here from measly 50 kg 17 years ago to 80 kg of muscle mass? With one single rep at a time.

I knew what I wanted. I was committed to it. I read all that I can about bodybuilding. I was initially intimidated and insecured because I was not sure what to do. But I didn't listen to my fear. I kept working out; learning by trial and error. I am became passionate about exercising. When I am in the gym time just stood still. I love every minute of working out. I write everything I do in my work out journal including what I eat and how much time I sleep (I still do this!). Hence over years that one rep was the building block of what I have become today. Can I see it on daily basis? Of course not. But the body is changing at molecular level. It is expanding. But with time, right nutrition, plenty of rest and continuous effort it shows. Most importantly I didn't give up. I was able to sustain my interest and continue till today. Hence apply this concept to what I want to do.

It may takes years before I earn a degree or write a book. Doesn't matter. The seed will have to be plant today. Water it daily. Give it plenty of sunlight. Nurture it. Protect it from insiduous elements. Love it like I would a child. In time it will grow spectacularly. But I must want to do the work passionately each and every day.

Actually when I think about it, to be successful is easy. Just decide what you want. Figure out what to do. Do it everyday. Never lose sight of your goal. In time my mind will run on auto pilot; bringing my actions closer to the target. When I arrive, I won't even know I am there.

So think about it. But don't just think, do.@

Lowering Great Expectations

2010-04-02T22:28:00.006+08:00

I am under stress. I expect too much of myself without respecting the reality. I compare myself against others unfairly. I am embarrassed without a good reason. I worry about things beyond what they really are. In short I am not realistic when it comes to when it comes to my life.

The good news is now that I know why i am under such duress, I just have to stop thinking too much and worrying what others think of me. What matter is what I think of myself and that I am making small but consistent efforts toward personal change. Yes, I admit that my insecurity and unrealistic expectations were derived from my childhood conditioning (of not being good enough). But I think it is time for me to be aware that this extreme form of thinking is fueling fear and uncalled for stress within me. Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying too hard to keep up with others. Form your on benchmark and make effort at your own pace.

Many things are happening to me all at the same time. I am about to get married in one month's time. I am stressed out the many 'what if's situations after the marriage. All are negative. Stop it. If you can't think positive at least don't think any negative thoughts or better still keep your mind occupied. Do not be obsessed anticipating situations especially if they are negative. Tell your self "Everything will be OK" and that "Allah will make things smooth for me". Insya'allah things will be better!

Stop all these doom day thought scenarios. Whatever that you think is a prayer. So might as well things good things! Yes I know I have been 'conditioned' to be a perfectionist. But like Muz said only Allah is perfect. We are not. Hence mistakes are expect even necessary! Mistakes don't mean that we are less worthy or bad. Not at all! It simply means that it is a lesson to be learn. Stop making big productions out of them!

Stop comparing yourself with others completely! Ukur baju ikut bentuk badan sendiri. Zuhaidah told me that life is still a long road ahead. We sometimes have to take two or three steps back in order to move forward. Comparing myself with others will not amount to anything except incurring more stress. True! Case in point is feeling small because my class mates are younger and more educated. I go to Pergas to learn. To understand Islam. To learn about Allah. Not to feel unworthy just because others are better educated than I am. Just because I have not been to school for years do not means that I cannot learn. Why must I feel small to others? Why should I worry about what others might think? I should worry more about what Allah will think of me if I continue to choose to persist in state of ignorance! I might take a longer time to comprehend and remember but I can learn, insya'allah!

I told to Zuhaidah that I feel like a loser; that I have not accomplish much. Again, I am being unfair to myself. To say that statement to is to eradicate everything that I have done -big or small- so far. It is to say that I do not matter. That nothing I do is enough. When will it ever be enough to be acknowledged or recognized? Till I get an Oscar? Till I get a Nobel Peace laureate? Till my name get engraved in Hollywood Hall of Fame?? Stop this destructive thought instantly!! I am enough. All my life experiences -good or bad- is enough. I have accomplished many things and they do matter! One important example of this is the fact that I have made effort to leave homosexuality behind. Despite the challenges that I am facing (and will face in future), I am making progress towards change. I know my journey has not end and I pray that Allah will always shelter me from my own weak nafs. But I must acknowledge to myself that what I do matter. I could have stayed the way I was. But I knew in my heart that was not making me at peace. Yes leaving present itself with new set of challenges. But at least one indication that I have made the right decision is that my heart is at peace. For that it matters!

Another good accomplishment that I have done for myself is the fact that I chose to live independently for the past 12 years. That is by nature no small feat. I spend 12 years living with myself facing depression and loneliness. In these 12 years I have learnt to be independent. I manage all my bills. I prepared my own meals. I take care of myself when I was sick. I learn to live with me. Yes it can be hard at time. For the most part no one (except mak) care a hoot whether I am dead or alive. I live life of a traveller -out of my suitcase- not knowing any sense of permanence. I moved houses so many times that I have I lost count. In those 12 years while I juggled between holding down a job, struggling with my sexual identity/self esteem problem and dealing with my own unhappiness with my own family life, I am thankful that I have made it through alive.

Only Allah knows what would have become of me if He would have led me just go astray and follow my anger and nafs. In my anger due to the coldness of my family and my own confusion of my sexual orientation, I could have just continue to be gay and lead an alternative life ignoring everything focusing on my own needs. Yes that could have happened. But Allahamdullilah I didn't. Somehow along the way as I go through life in these 12 years, I reflected on my actions. I observe the lives of others. I contemplated on the meaning of my life. Perhaps all these times through the many prayers of many kind souls and also maybe through the many good deeds I may have done, Allah still never let me go. Hence all these experience do count as my personal success.

So I want to try to stop belittling myself. I want to stop comparing myself to others. I want to set realistic expectation and monitor my progress at my own pace. I want to learn to be thankful, to be bersyukur to Allah. As I am discovering to be thankful is tough indeed. But I still must try.@

What motivate you?

2010-02-05T21:45:00.004+08:00

Ok, I have a problem with motivation. I like to complete my assignments. I already told myself that I will start freelance writing in 2011. That is a goal. Now the question is what can drives me forward to achieve that goal? The challenge for me is that I never really sit down and think about goals most of my life. Unless I do consider running away from discomfort as a goal in it itself. Or that I never actually think I can achieve anything much. But without realizing these are actually goals. The paradox of it all is that when I set my mind to something I can usually achieve them, But I have this inner voice that said "Why bother anyway?" Hence I retract and recoiled into my comfort zone. Then I grew resentful and frustrated because I am not made to stay in a comfort zone.

But I am not lazy. I know for a fact that I am a person that like to do the best in whatever that I put my heart in. I need no more proof than the fact that I love working out and put 150% of my mind and soul to it each time I am in the gym. Even cold winter months cannot pull me away from my routines. (As in right now I am In London and the weather is at 5 degrees. I am still going to the gym after i type this entry!). Then there is cooking and my day work as a flight attendant. I like to cook-alot. I don't like being a flight attendant. But when I working I put my my heart and soul into them too. There is an aspect of being a flight attendant that I like though. That is helping people. I like to help others in need.

What about reciting sand learning about Al Quran? I love reciting it and can recite for 15 pages in one sitting for 45 min (allahamdullilah). The more I recite, the more I love it. And I try to recite the best manner that I can each time. I love the Al Quran because it teaches me about myself, my purpose and about life. It brings me closer to Allah.

In whatever activity that I do be it working out, helping others, cooking, reading, studying and writing the main purpose is to be closer to Allah. Nothing else. That motivate me to get up and do things. I am not motivate by recognition nor approval. Neither I am motivated by money. But the satisfaction of doing something that I enjoy (which Allah has given me the advantage of liking something) and for the pleasures of serving Him alone.

My challenge is to stay focus on what I got to accomplish. That means I got to set daily small goals and do whatever I have to do consistently. Being a flight attendant is challenge for me to set consistent work/study/writing schedule. I am consistently tired due to not being able to recuperate totally. That makes me depress. But I can't quit my job suddenly just to maintain a schedule. I got to find a way to work around despite this challenge. Allah is giving me this for a reason. He wants to see whether I am really serious. Other people also have to deal with their own set backs like family commitment, depression, physical immobility, abusive childhood, boring life etc. The point is life situation aren't perfect. I cannot wait till they are before someone gives me the permission to do something. No, I got to pick myself. I got to give myself the permission. I got to motivate myself. It is so much easier encouraging others when they need advise. It is so much more harder to tell myself that "Hey, I it's only a mistake. Or it is just a promotion. You will live through it if you don't get it". Yes it is hard. But I still got to find a way to motivate myself despite these negativity.

One thing for sure time is limited. I know that my purpose here on earth is to gather as many good deeds for my benefit of thereafter. I know that it is my duty to spread the word of Islam to as many as possible. Hence it is through these inclinations that Allah has given me with that I will find my rightful vocation on earth, insya'allah.

Hence what motivates me? Allah. Now find a way to spear head motivation in excelling what I am given with.

A glimpse of the functional

2010-02-04T01:21:00.006+08:00

This evening I had dinner for the first time with my future family at their home since I got engaged 3 months ago. N invited me over. Her mother was in town. So were her siblings. But her dad was away on attachment. Honestly I would have never imagine this moment 5 or 10 years ago. I mean in my heart I do yearn to have a family to go home and talk to. After 35 years of wishing and hoping, my dream of having a family to love and being loved is happening. All I can ever say is "Allahamdullilah".

Family to me as I was growing up was a place I longed to run away from. I never knew what it feels like to feel loved, accepted unconditionally, appreciated and recognized for just being me. Putting others down, condescending conversations, verbal taunts and threats, being criticized and humiliated was the norm in my early childhood. I hated my family. I hated being me. I hated going home. All I want to do was to run away. Running away has been my theme of my life. When ever I feel uncomfortable about something I run away. Not that I am a coward but because that was the only way I knew how to respond to pain.

I was a bright and highly sensitive kid. But the fact that I was being bullied by my own father and brother made me ashamed of who I am. I was different. I was 'soft' and 'weak' in their eyes. Hence I never felt like I am being respected for who I am. It was not my fault that Allah created me the way I am. I was and am OK. But being 'different' was not accepted in my family. I was not protected or comfort when I need family. I was basically on my own.

I often question why my own family treated me with such cruelty. I used to think it was my fault. But now I know it is not my fault. Never has been mine. The fault lies with the fact that my own father comes from a deadly cocktail of violent and selfish father and passive/unloved/unsecured mother. My mum on the other hand was much more fortunate. Though she was adopted and has no recollection of her original parent, she was not at mercy of cruel caregiver. Many kind hearted and generous people took care of her. She has fond memories of her childhood. Hence though her life was hard and unstable, emotionally she was at a better place as a mother. She was giving and generous too. However as she is alone and has no family, she does not have self confident and was submissive to my father huge ego and emotional abuse.

But today I finally realize that there is an alternate way to a happy family. That having a happy family is not a mere Disney utopia but can be a reality. I feel at peace and happy when I am with N and her family. They accepted me as I am and readily talk to me. I can be myself and not pretend to be someone else. More importantly not ashamed for simply being who I am. I find this reality very refreshing and unbelievable. I never knew that this would be possible. I thought that I am doomed to hate my family forever and blame them for all the emotional screw ups that I have to face as a result of an unhappy childhood.

But today Allah gives me a glimpse of a second chance to heal all my wounds. A chance for me to face up to life and finally grow as a person. As a man.

Finally I can stop running.

Overcoming life's doldrums at one step a time

2010-01-30T23:09:00.008+08:00

It has been awhile since I last write anything to express myself here. A few times I opened up the page only to switch my lap top off. I just didn't want to repeat myself. One simply cannot complain or whine about life too often. But I have been busy these last few weeks cooking and baking. I even started attending weekly cooking class. I love every second of it. The joy of cooking your own meal is simply indescribable. Knowing how to cook make a lot of different. It expedite things. I get more organize. I make less mistakes. Of course cooking takes time to be perfected. As they say practice makes perfect. I will get better with every attempt, insya'allah.

I have been complaining about how dissatisfied I am with my job as a flight attendant forever. I know that I will keep experiencing dissatisfaction in future regardless if I am promoted. I am starting to question myself what I can do to make a difference in my life without quitting immediately. Obviously I need to do something else on the side to create a parallel income source. But earning more is not my primary intention. It is doing what I love and connecting with others that I want. learning to cook and bake is something that I want to learn and do more of. I see that as an opportunity to be tap. I plan to learn as much as I can from my weekly class. I look forward to take up apprenticeship with my teacher when she has catering orders. I know that hard labor awaits. But that is a small price to pay in return for the enormous knowledge and experience I will be rewarded with, insya'allah.

I plan to focus on learning how to cook before taking baking classes. The reason being that I am getting married and I sure can put my cooking skills to practice immediately. But I am learning to bake through my Primrose cup cake recipe book each week. This weekly baking practice does serve as a good introduction. Once I complete the whole book, I will attempt bake cakes. In practicing the more I bake the better I will get.

Another area which I want to focus on is writing. I took up a journalism course in April 09. So far I have only completed 1 assignment. While I fantasize on the idea of being a working writer, I have yet to set a daily work schedule and goals. In short I have not been serious. Sitting down to write can be challenging for me. I know that I am just making excuses. I can if I really want to. Yes I have to battle busy days, jet lag, depression, not being in the mood to write. But an hour a day is not much to be asking of myself is it? I want to be creative and express myself. But there got to be a certain commitment in order to realize my writing dreams. Otherwise it will be just a dream.

I realize that all my life I have not been serious in a lot of things. I mean I turned out ok despite not being very educated. Life has been kind to me. But it is precisely that which cause a lot of frustrations in me. I never actually work hard enough to savor the fruit of my labour. I have dreams. I want to be a writer, I want to be own my own business. I want to have a degree. But the minute I face an obstacle - either internal or external, I crumble and give up. Yet I knew that there is so much potential in me which have yet to materialize. I am living in my own shadow. I am scared that I may not able to handle success and lose myself to a life of sins and moral degradation. Hence I held myself back to a life of mediocrity.

Why am I afraid of? I am actually afraid that if I do my best and excel people will know all my flaws. They will either hate me or humiliate me. OK, these sounds a little warp. They are products of my very unhappy childhood. Yet by nature I am one that wants to do the best in what I do. Not to show off but because I take pride in my work. I do it for me. I am passionate by nature. Doing just enough or to keep up appearance is not me. I can be a big picture person much as I enjoy details of work. I like to process of synergy with others. Drawing on each strengths and managing weaknesses. I dislike competing. I prefer collaborating. Aesthetic are as important as usability.

I realize that I have not made a conscious effort to determine my life work. I simply wanted to escape the unhappiness of my home. But now I am questioning my unhappiness at work. Is it because I am not promoted or is the reason lies deeper? Are my frustrations and unhappiness stemmed from not using my talents and skills? I am happy when I write, cook or working out for sure. Are these signs that I need to uncover my innate skills and hone them? Then I have to learn to trust my inner voice and make a commitment to discover myself.

This could be a the beginning of the end for me as a flight attendant. It will be a path of discovery to becoming a self bosser. I will be force me to face my of fears.It could be self doubts, irritating people, rejections, fear of failure. But Barbara Winter said starting out a new direction requires that we begin with a new vision; a vision that is accompanied by solving new problems, learning new things. In short it is going to be an adventure.@

Lingering in the blues...

2010-01-15T22:06:00.008+08:00

I just came back from Paris this morning feeling blue. The weather in Paris was cold but not too chilly. At -1 degrees, it was not the worst of weather that I ever had. Still I wasn't planning to go anywhere. All I wanted to do in Paris was to rest and relax; perhaps throw in a good workout and make sure I eat three good meals a day. I did all that and more. I read and wrote in my daily writing practice.

My cousin Rahman wanted to me to snap pictures of Paris-the people, the sceneries, the food and the cafes. But the weather was not inviting enough to be roaming the streets and taking pictures. The skies was grey and occasional drizzle peppered through the day. All I had was a bright orange turtle neck sweater and jeans. I stick like a sore thumb as I rush through my walk in the sea of black navy blues. I would have frozen had I just saunter along.

I came back from Paris with the clouds over my head. In fact I have been feeling blue for a while now. This feeling, a mixture of lethargic, staleness and joyless-ness has been pervasive. I can't seem to shake it off. There is nothing to look forward to. I am always tired. I am not enthusiastic about anything. I am prone to being cynical. I can't see the purpose of my job. I feel like quitting and do something else. But I have no idea what. Actually I do know what I want to do. But I also ask myself whether I am feeling such because I am over stressed and over worked.

Recently a promotion drive came up. Honestly I am not enthusiastic about it. Being promoted is not what I want. That is not my dream job. I feel constricted by the routine of my job. There is no creativity or organization involved. Everyday we do the same thing. I am like walking zombie; a well paid zombie. I want to do more. I want to be creative. I want to own what I do. I don't want to be part of a big company. I do not feel important just by having a title. I need to do what I love.

So I have been asking myself "what do I really love?" I love to exercise. I love to cook. I love helping people. I love entertaining people. I love to ask questions to learn about things. I love writing things up to come up with the right sentence to express a thought or an idea. I love having inspiring conversations finding ideas. So based on all the above, there must be something that I can do which qualified as a job isn't it? A chef. A baker. A personal instructor. A writer. Anything except a flight attendant.

Another reason I am depressed is I feel hopeless about my future. It is like I am destined to be a flight attendant forever and I hate that idea. I feel like I am wasting my life doing something that I have no passion for when I should be focusing on work that matters. Allah says that there is solution to every problem imaginable except death. Mine shouldn't be that tough to figure out.

At some point I will have to make a decision. Right now I am so besotted with feelings of exasperation to leave that I failed to dream what I want. I watched Kung Fu Panda and that movie taught me something about finding what you want in life. You got to dream it first. You got to love what you want to do even though in reality it has not materialize. Life do not present you when you are ready. It gives you what you already want. So if I like to cook, write and own my own business start fill my head with the right ideas. Read, breath and live writing and cooking. Find out about opening up your bakery from home. Do writing daily. Be committed. Take some actions. Most importantly start to believe that you are already a successful writer and baker and cook. Thank Allah ahead for these gifts.

I know that I am not the first man or person on earth to hate their job. I am sure there are others in the world that have made a change in their careers or life work. They have to deal with their own demons and insecurity first. They must learn to overcome themselves first before they can actually make the next step. That is the toughest part-to to trust yourself that you are enough and ready even though in real life you are floundering. But you keep on telling yourself " I am a successful writer. I am successful baker. I am successful cook."

Some may think these are delusions. But I prefer to think these as creating new truths about yourself. They will take time to inject into the sub consciousness. Initially it will take repetitive action on my part to verbalize them into the system. But day in day out they will strengthen inside of me. I will start to read anything about these subjects. associate myself with people whom have made it and see myself as succeeding. Then life will present itself with the right opportunities.

The truth is that we attract what we think most. That has been said in countless self help books. In practice they are a lot harder to do. That is because we get carried away with the daily grind that we lose sight of what matter most to us. We get lost in the barrage of bills, complaints, tiredness and personal responsibilities. All of these translate to dullness. We got to shake things up. We must never lose sight of our dreams.

We think that we are only as good as what the corporation think of us. At work we are being evaluated and assessed. Our performance are being tabulated in some statistic to compare against our peers. They become the benchmark of our 'true' potential. When we failed to get a promotion because our annual tabulated score points do not meet the minimum requirement, we beat ourselves up. We think we are failures. There must be something wrong with us. People look at us disdainfully like we are some social pariahs.

But our real potential is not up to any faceless corporation to decide. It is up to us. We start with who we are as individuals. What do we like to do. What are our interests. From these basic personal assessment, we take the time to draw our resources to get inspired and seek knowledge to gather ideas. We do what we like incrementally everyday. Monitoring our actions and reflect on what we need to improve or change. We have to motivate ourselves. Motivation that comes from within is more important than motivation arise from external validation.

So this entry is to remind me that I have to acknowledge that this monotony is what I am feeling. It is a symptom of a condition that I need to address. I can ignore it but it won't go away. It will fester and gnaw like termites on a crumbling cardboard. I need to regroup and start to dream. Fatigue and depression has taken that faculty from me. It is time for me to strike back!

Write Like You Are Talking

2009-12-11T19:19:00.019+08:00

What have you done in the last couple of weeks?
Ever since I was introduced to N, things between us has escalated. Ironically I didn't plan to quicken things up. Neither did she. But I knew that she was the one for me and things felt right. So barely one month into the introduction, I proposed. On the 29th of Nov, we were engaged. Insya'allah in May we will get married.

How do I felt leading up to to the engagement? Of course I felt nervous. Who wouldn't? Anyone is his right mind will experience anxiety. But I think that is expected and normal. There were simply many things in my mind prior to the engagement. This is a new experience for me and I am learning as I go. Things like to What to do?, What to bring?, Who to represent me? and Why I need to do what I need to do. To another person I do probably sounds like ignorant fool. But then again at least I am showing interest. After all it is my engagement. Hence I like to think that my enthusiasm is commendable if not to be applaud!

Much appreciation must be given to N for highlighting me the many do's and don'ts in a Malay relationship framework. It is like learning a new language. You have to observe many rules and know to read between the lines. A lot of things are not set in stone but are expected to be done. Hence one has to do a tire research before he plan to proposed. Ignore these 'silent protocol' at your own peril! You are bound to offend and this will not put you to a good start in the relationship.

Difference between a westernize relationship
Usually in a circular or westernized relationship, boy meets girl. Boy pursue after girl. Romance ensues. If all goes well they decide to get married. Period. No parents involved. They simply decided for themselves what they want and when they want to settle down. But in a Muslim relationship the order of the relationship does not necessarily in that order. One can choose their spouse or being arranged to meet potential spouse (through family arrangement). Love is not a requisite. If one likes what he/she sees, they can take one step further. The man may initiates proposal. They get engagement for a specific period. The families decide and agree the value of the gifts to be given (usually the man will offer the gift in form of cash or other valuables). Then if all go as plan they get married on the determined date.

How do you feel about the 'protocols'?
I am ignorant of them initially. But I asked N a lot of questions. Things like do I need to bring a ring to the engagement? (I know, DUH!), do I need to buy a another ring when we get married (I can but not necessarily), what are dulangs (they are trays containing gifts), how many dulangs to bring and what kind of gifts should I buy. A lot of these questions may sounds a little rudimentary. I should know but I don't. Yes I am aware that during weddings bride and bridegrooms exchange gifts. These gifts are usually presents which they have agreed prior upon. Some people gives hand phones, shoes, clothes and MP3 players. Some also gives cold hard cash.

But I wanted to stick to the basics. The important things. All the other gifts are not important to me now. If I want to have a new shoe, I will buy a pair. If I need a new set of clothes I will get them when mine is worn out. I don't see the purpose of buying just for the sake of getting married. It's not only frivolous but unnecessary. What matters is that N and me has discussed this at great length. We both agreed to focus on the important things such as the Telekung and Sejadah and three other dulangs of sweets and food items.

How was the engagement?
The engagement went smoothly, allahamdullilah. It was set at 3 p.m., Sunday 29 Nov 2009. I came back from Shanghai that morning. After tossing and turning I got up mid day and went over to Tuliza's place to fetch the gifts. I wanted cup cakes and pulut kuning (sticky yellow rice). Mak contributed a fruit basket. By the time I reached Chua Chu Kang, it was 1 p.m. I was still suffering from jet lag. My mind felt a little numb. But I was a little nervous. Even Tuliza notice my anxiety and reminded me to smile.

There were already many guests in N's house. Her close uncles and aunts were present. We came in and sat down on the floor. After exchanging some pleasantries, the ceremony began. Pak Cik Aman begins the engagement proposal. It was rather a formal introduction between two families. Terms of engagement and a wedding date were agreed upon. In addition the wedding dowry was declared. After the recitation of prayers, mak was invited to insert the engagement ring into N's finger. Pakcik Salikin (N's father) placed the engagement ring onto mine. I felt tremors while shaking hands with my future father in law. But thankfully I was composed. I kept reminding myself to smile.

How do you feel after the engagement?
Honestly it still feel a little surreal. I am still in a state of awe of how quickly things have developed over the last few weeks. I would never have imagine that I will be getting married this soon. But as I reflect upon so many signs that have shown up ever since I was introduced to N, it dawned on me that this married is indeed a gift from Allah swt.

The day that I brought N to meet mak was mak and ayah 37th anniversary. Mak only realized this fact a few days later. Then two weeks later I received a call from Makcik Ramah. She was trying to get hold of me about two weeks earlier (at about the same time I brought N home) but couldn't (as I had lost my hand phone at this time). She told me that she dreamt of datuk (my late grandfather) visiting me at Malacca hospital. She wondered why my grandfather had paid me a visit especially at a hospital in Malacca.

Then on the engagement day, N's aunt Cik Salbiah informed N's mother she had wanted to match make N to me. Apparently Cik Salbiah and mak were ex-colleagues at Motorola some years back. She had the intention to introduced N to mak's sons. But at that time N was nursing from a break up from her previous engagement. Hence, she refused any suggestions.

Then just last week, when I seek Muz help to be my best man, I got another surprise. His birthday (6th of May) falls on the day I will get solemnized! These signs are too many to be mere coincidences. I am taking them as a sign that when Allah will something to happen, it will happen.

So now what?
There are many things to be done. Next up will be the one day marriage preparatory course (5th Jan 10). Then I will have to register to ROM for my wedding date. I have already start to look for the right venue for my wedding reception. Last week mak and me paid a visit to Tepak Sirih. We are going for our second meeting this Tue for food sampling. Also last week N and me went around to shop for our matrimonial bed. She is buying a Dunlopillo mattress while I will buy the bed frame. We saw this gorgeous teak wood frame with contemporary touch. I am also getting her a matching dressing table.

The next couple of weeks and months will be spent preparing for the big day. I am trying not to get stressed up. In fact I hope that everything can be settled a week before the wedding. The last thing I need is an unfinished business or a logistical nightmare. I don;t want to think about anything come my wedding day. I just want to sit down and enjoy the ceremony. Of course it will be an interesting experience to reflect upon and write about later..hehe!

Sleepless in Pasir Ris

2009-11-11T23:34:00.012+08:00

Tell me about your day.
I got back from Jakarta this morning in a cab. I wanted to take the bus but with all the shopping that I have done, there is simply no way I get home without my arms ripped off. Besides I was tired. Last night my sleep was disrupted. I didn't quite manage to get a good rest. It has been like this for the last three days since I retuned from London. Anyhow I came back and lie down on the bed. But I couldn't shut off. I refused to swallow anymore sleeping pills fearing that doing so will only encourage my brain to depend on it like a crutch. I just lie down with eyes closed but mind wide awake.

After two hours of doing nothing at about 1:30 p.m I went down through the afternoon shower to the coffee shop to grab some lunch of nasi padang. I ate there slowly as the weather simmered. After lunch I went back home. I wanted to go to the gym and pumped my quads and hamstrings. But my jet lag and mental fogginess were still hovering. I decided to postpone training to tomorrow. Instead I spent the entire afternoon updating my learning blog. I figured that rather keeping the blog stagnant, I'd use it to facilitate my journalism course.

After a tasteless but nutritious dinner (steam vegs, fresh fruit and 5 soft boiled egg whites) I rushed out to Pergas to attend my weekly religious class. We are learning Hadith. It is a very interesting subject but the Uztaz was crawling through his lesson. I barely kept myself awake. I tried to be alert by reading other chapters ahead but it is hard to concentrate for me to reading and listening at the same time.

Anything happened that is worth mentioning?
Allah swt certainly communicates in mysterious ways. Although my Hadeeth class was drifting into groan zone territory, I was pleasantly surprised to received some consoling yet encouraging words of wisdom from Allah through my Uztaz. We were discussing a hadeeth which warned of a gruesome punishment in hell fire to those that failed to heed their own advices to others.

As Uztaz elaborate the hadeeth, he told us while the message of this particular hadeeth is serious it should not deter us from advising others; even though that we may not be abstained from the same mistake. Advising others is also a form of self advice to ourselves. He said the biggest challenge of all is to change ourselves. Even though purifying ourselves first is the first step towards self mastery, sometimes we are give simultaneous tests. This is the reality of life that we have to carry and manage.

Sometimes even before we can sort our inner issues, we have face another challenge. That is why we must always think good thoughts of Allah and whatever He gives us. He never gives us anymore than we can't manage. The most important thing is that we must always be patience in life. That is why Muslims are the best of people. Whether it is a calamity or reward that befall on us we benefit from them both.

Why are these words significant to you?
These words meant a lot to me because I am about to embark on a new chapter in the journey of my life soon, insya'allah. While my struggle with my sexuality and self esteem has improved greatly (allahamdullilah!) in these 5 years, they have not disappeared from the core of my being. Seeing how quick things are enveloping the last three weeks, my anxiety has turned its antennae up again. The sheer thought of shouldering heavy responsibility is worrying me. I am asking myself whether can I do this job well? Am I equipped with the strength and knowledge to be a leader and carry this torch through?

I realized that Allah has answered my prayers (Allahamdullilah). I am still state of awe and overwhelmed by the reality. Ready or not, I just have to trust Allah on this. Yes I will still have to manage my many weaknesses but I do have Him to ask for help don't I? How then would I know whether I can do this job well if I am not being given the opportunity? I just have to accept with grace and pray that He give me the guidance to my every decisions.

I know that I got a lot learning to do. Yes I will make mistakes along the way. But that is one way to learn. I must learn to be easy on myself. Finally I won't be alone to take this road. At least not for the time being.

On Opening Up

2009-11-09T02:36:00.004+08:00

Why are we afraid to open our deepest secret to another person? Especially if that person is someone we potentially like to be close to. I think the reason that we hide our true selves most of the times is that at the core of our being we fear rejection. That is why we masked it by showing our better sides up front. We put on thick make ups. We wear expensive clothes. We created a persona or mysterious aura. We try to sell ourselves right till we get through the door and then when the dust settled we just slither back into our old bad habits and let our partner discover the true us for themselves. By then it would be too late. They would have invest a lot of themselves (time, money and feelings) in the relationship. Resigned they just shrug as we defiantly protest "This is who I am, take it or leave it."

Some brave souls may backed off to cut their losses. Others fearing on being back in the vicious lonely singles market again relented grudgingly - at least for a while. How long can they last? As long as they can put up with the differences or live to adapt to their partners' habits. Worst still until they can find another replacement. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if we just be ourselves; warts and all from Day 1? That way we can do away with all the expensive get ups or smokescreen and cut through the chase. "This me and I used to be (or is struggling with) ---you fill in the blanks--- and I am not perfect."

Chances are we have to develop a thick skin to use this radical approach. Rejections will hit the roof. At the other side of the coin, we eliminate non potential serious candidates quicker. We'd saved a lot of money and resources in the long run. So while it is painful to be hearings 'No"s in your face, the chances of meeting someone right in the long term is better. You just have to be patience and trust that you will eventually meet someone right and accept you for who you are.

It sounds easier said than done in theory. In real life when you see that everyone around you is with a partner or your friends start getting hitched one by one, it easy to sell yourself short and join the crowd. You start settled for less. You grew desperate and would resort to anything to get snared into a relationship. And when you finally meet someone, you try to win them over first. Woo them. Show them your best side. Once secured and you settled down, the truth finally come out (and it usually will). By then you are trap and resigned. Even if you are miserable, oh well at least you are not alone.

the last couple of nights

2009-10-21T16:54:00.002+08:00

I have not been able to sleep well the last few days. The weather has been rather warm and I feel it inside of me. I blasted the fans on but still I could only sleep lightly. Then there was days where I turned on the air con. But it was too chilly. I have not have any blanket on. As a result I trembled. it is funny that when I want to sleep the conditions have to be right. Too hot or too cold and my body start to struggle to stay in slumber.

Occasionally I do hit upon slumber jackpot when the combination of compound fatigue and perfect sleeping condition ease me into a night of deep uninterrupted bliss of a sleep. When I do wake up on these fortunate occasions, I feel like a new man-literally. My senses are acute to my environment. Everything seems fresh and beaming. My head feels light. I attack my day like a cougar on a morning prowl-pounding.

I would love to have this 'cougar like morning' every morning. Then I would be able to accomplish lot of things like arrange my days and getting all the things that I set to do done by night falls. But life is such where all the best laid plans are constantly challenged and compromised. You just do what you can as best as humanly possible. Those that cannot be accomplish, you just push it forward to another day. And you make peace with yourself. Stop berating.

Well I must say that despite not being able to study on a consistent basis, write daily or finish my errands, I am Ok. I still get things done. I get to pay my bills. I have my three time a week workouts. I recite the Quran daily. I manage to secure my 5 daily prayers (although I got to work on doing it on time!). I eat right though not always as frequent. But I am ok.

I just have to keep planning and try my best to do things that are important to me. It may sounds self indulging but with the limited time that I have between flying, it is only right for me to devote them to matters that matter. Otherwise it is not time well spent. Anyway I like to see myself do more daily writing practice, study for at least twice a week. I want to return to my Cengage coursework. I like to get back to mengaji twice a week. I like to returned to my Tajweed textbook. Insya'allah!

There is no perfect situation. Everyone has to struggle with limited time. Even Barack Obama have to manage his time well. If the world most powerful man and probably one of the busiest can juggle family, managing the country and keeping world peace as well as time for himself, I am sure there rest of us can do a better job with managing time ourselves.

So stop berating over things not done as plan but that is not an excuse for not trying harder either!

when Allah wants it to happen

2009-10-15T06:03:00.006+08:00

Something is happening to me. Without going to the specifics, I am reflecting upon an incidence which is taking place. I lie in bed last night wondering whether whatever is happening is due to Allah answering my prayers or because this a result of many prayers of many kind generous people that I know (or don't know) for me. The fact remains, Allah works in mysterious way; beyond anyone's understanding.

I am not going to question "how come" but I am just going to accept it and be grateful for this. The things that I seek for revealed to me to my surprise. It is of non coincidence then that the moment my eyes gaze upon it, I sensed a flicker of joy. A first impression that beckons to me like a warm smile of a child. You just like it. You have no idea why or how come but the baby's smile warm your heart. But I still refused to accept any certainty except that maybe that warm glow was merely a mistake. But how can sudden joy be a mistake when it moved me?

I lingered on not thinking of anything. My mind was ruminating negative thoughts as usual; the same violent voices that pulled me down into the waters each time I try to catch pocket of air. Then I hear a voice coming to my ears. It resonates with my heart. It became clearer and clearer. I was in synch with it. I listened patiently and it revealed itself as what I like to hear. The messages was were cohesive. The sincerity spilled like glasses on the floor. I cannot ignore it. Coincidence again? It cannot be.

Many times I asked myself despite me not hoping the chances of desiring all the requests that I have made. Are they too much? Are they realistic or am I putting myself to an early failure? But what is happening to me is a proof that in all our prayers no matter how big or small; how realistic or impossible it may appear to be nothing is beyond what Allah can deliver. For if Allah can create the universe and everything in it; past, present and future what is a request made by a tiny seemingly insignificant servant like me?

starting small

2009-10-15T05:41:00.002+08:00

I want to talk about writing regularly. I have not been doing daily writing practice. I write sporadically. Once today. Another a few days later. Then perhaps I won't touch my notebook till the month has gone by till I start to feel guilty. Which of course will lead me back to another practice. This will not do. Why? Because if i am dead serious to become a working writer, I will not get there by writing when I feel like it. To be a writer, a working writer, I need to be more consistent and committed.

Yes after all the euphoria of being a writer has subside, it will be the empty page and me. The idea of being a writer is more appealing than actually being one. But becoming a real writer will gives more satisfaction and genuine joy than just thinking about being a writer. Truth is writing is work. It requires discipline, determination, self motivation and perseverance to see through a project till the end.

So it is all up to me. Do I want the responsibility? If I do, do it seriously. Write everyday even if it means just writing for 10 min. It is better just 10 min of focused writing than 30 min of writing sans the heart. Quality is vital too. I can be writing everyday but if my heart is not in it, what point is there? Just like bodybuilding. I got to put all of my life into each rep. Feel it. Breathe it. Sweat over it. When I am done, I know I have give my all.

I should stop asking myself "Am I really a writer. When I do that I start to plant the seed of doubt and that pushed me away from writing. I am sure every writer doubt himself/herself at some point. But they know that writing is what they have to do because when they write they fly beyond their seats and onto a different plane of thoughts where the world expand in all directions and green mangoes spit out ruby red slippers. I have no idea what that meant except that it must meant writing makes you feel good.

I am not writing to make me feel better. But rather writing for me is what I like to do. As a tool to communicate and as platform to inspire others. And while I am doing both the best way I possibly can, I want to have fun doing writing and expressing. At the end of the day as Natalie Goldberg said it doesn't matter what I write. It is the process of writing that counts.

So start small. Be your own best friend. Just as you can be negative and critical, you can also be positive and nurturing. Use your mind. Gear towards growth and development. In time with practice you will become a successful working writer.@

knowing your priorities

2009-10-13T20:11:00.006+08:00

Since Ramadhan, I have not take the time to study at night. I have fallen back to my old habits. This displease me a lot. While my work schedule is erratic and requires me to make advance arrangements to wake up at night, it is no excuse on my part not to study. Now that I know that I am an owl, I just have to re-arrange my life accordingly. At times it is tough, considering that I usually spend my off day working out or attending Quran class. Hence I have to learn to prioritize in order to spend my time productively.

I can get overwhelmed by things when things accumulate. My usual response is that I will get stressed out and leave things to the last minute. Then when the dateline arrives, I either do a poor job or abandon my assignment. I think before I embark into anything I got to spend some time planning. Having a plan helps me to stay focus especially when I am under stressed or jet lag. Planning means to take everything that I have to do in a time frame under consideration. Then break down the projects into small manageable chunks and do just that. When I do, focus solely on completing that bite sized and nothing else. Tick it down that you have complete it.

Knowing and achieving all these small tasks will build my confidence and self esteem. It also allow me to know what are the high priority task/low priority ones. Along the way when my low self esteem/jet lag kicks in, take a deep breath. Relax and don't think. When my normal mood returns, go back to my schedule and see what I have to do next. Just get back on track.

The problem arise when I am under low self esteem/ jet lags I start to think of all the things I want/should bee doing and not doing. I feel guilty and when I don't do anything about it, I feel worthless and useless. This in turn create a negative chain of events in my sub conscious that I cannot achieve anything worthwhile. But the fact is I can if I put more time planning what I want and how to achieve them. Then slowly I do it bit by bit. There is no magic trick. Planning, execution and monitoring. Simple.

If there is one single thing that I am thankful and proud of from this Ramadhan was that I was able to recite the entire Quran in one month. It taught me the importance of focusing on one goal and pursue it relentlessly regardless of difficulties. There was times when I was able to recite only a number of pages. Then there nights when I was able to recite for 2 and half hours straight with short breaks in between. In the mid of the month I remembered that I had a relapse of my 'problem'. I could have given the recitation up. But I didn't because I already promised myself that I wanted to complete the entire Quran for that month. I just kept going even though internally I felt terrible. Allahamdullilah, on the final day of fasting I completed it at mak's place. I felt a sense of achievement because for the first time in a long time I was able to focus and worked towards accomplishing a goal.

Hence the same rule applied to my life right now. I want to learn many things. But I have limited time. Worst still I have to manage my limited time with my recurring low self esteem and depression. So in order to overcome them I have to learn to plan ahead, do one small bit at a time. Write down what I have done and keep at it. The most important thing is to set a small goal and time frame. Print it and put it where I can see. Everyday look at it and know that to make things happen, I got to make time for it.

There is no point in signing up for writing course when you are not making any effort in it. Yes you may have the natural ability to create prose but it takes more than just aspiration to be a working writer. You have to make effort to write every single day. You also have to read veraciously. The new habit may be foreign but with habit and constant pushing on your part you will break through the 'resistance'. Soon you will find writing and reading secondary to your nature and an important part of your daily activity.

The monkey mind will always try to distract you. Hence that is why you have to plan ahead what you want to do so that every single day and time is not wasted. Time is money. It is important that you realize that Allah gives time not to be wasted. Hence after this entry go and plan out what you want to learn. Prioritize them. Then set datelines. Print them out and paste them on the wall. Do not let life overwhelm you. Learn to manage life and when you have to do each activity, give your all. Focus on that activity alone. Ps-Don't forget to make many duas to Allah to help you!@

speak from a position of knowledge

2009-10-01T21:35:00.006+08:00

Of late I have notice that I am more discerning with what I talk about to anyone. I am more reserve at giving opinions generously especially on pet topics or matters which others are discussing. I don't know what may have prompt the change but I suspect that I am beginning to appreciate Arif's advice on the need to speak with knowledge rather than experience. Hence knowing that I know very little of many things, I prefer to observe and listen. In doing so I learn a lot from others. I also get to listen without necessarily agree or disagree immediately. I don't offer my opinions readily too, especially on topics which I have no direct knowledge on.

Many times I am guilty of speaking excessively. When I get nervous, I blabbered. Hence the words coming out from my mouth carry little weight. Sometimes in the heat of discussion, I tried to voice my opinions not based on facts but on hear say or rumors. Other times in company of others, I tried to prop my self confidence up by offering 'advice' without knowing what I really meant. The words come out contrite and preachy. How many times have I made that mistakes? Many.

I am writing this entry not to discourage myself from talking but to know the difference between talking from knowledge and talking without it. It certainly make a difference. Rather than being seen by others as ignorant, it is wise to listen than talk. Also, when being asked for opinions which I have no direct knowledge it is best to say "I don't know". If the question is valid, it would be helpful for me to ask "Perhaps you like to share with me?". In doing so I allow the other party to teach me. On the other hand, if i know about a subject but it is not an appropriate time to share, it may also allow me to see if the other person is testing me. Either by letting others speak, I will learn. I will also know if it validate what I know about a subject. It may also help me to find if the other person doesn't know as much.

As I have started to get my feet wet to do regular study at night, I am beginning to find joy at being able to learn new things. I am beginning to see patterns and relationships. I am slowly discovering the joy of learning. I have never felt like this before. Allahamdullilah, Allah is open the door of my mind to knowledge. I am grateful for that. Hence for this very reason, I am seeking knowledge not with the intention of flaunting but to be humbled by Allah's greatness. To know that I have just a tiny drop of knowledge in my heart is worth more than what the entire world can possibly give me.

In pursuing knowledge with the vigor and curiosity of a cat, I hope to use this knowledge for the right usage. Having knowledge does not mean that I am better than others. It means I will be held accountable for knowing it. Hence the need to act responsibly. To know what I do not know before is a gift from Allah. Hence I will try to protect this gift and share it with others, insya'allah!

night to day

2009-09-15T22:29:00.003+08:00

I have turned nocturnal the entire Ramadan. I wake up late till 1 p.m. daily. Then I go about my business. After breaking fast and performed my Isya prayers, I have my meal. Then I recite the Quran for 2 hours. After that I started to read. I have been catching up on my Tajweed. Allahamdullilah I am slowly 'getting it' in my system. I understand and I am happy to remember what I read. I write notes in the notebook and revised it daily. I have also started on my Journalism course. It is taking me time to warm my brain a little. But I am thankful with this Ramadan, I am slowly learning to understand how I work as far as learning is concerned. Being a nocturnal person I learn best at night. So I will take this cue and continue post Ramadan. I will arrange my life around this pattern.

When I study at night, I realize that my mind is more receptive to what I learn. I feel more focus. There is little distraction. Hence I can absorb better. So capitalize it. The only thing now is that I am learning to organize myself. First I want to prioritize. On a daily basis here is the order of my 'studies'. I want to learn Al-Quran. I will start by reading the Quran for an hour. Then I will learn Tajweed. Then my work process. Then I want to study Journalism. Then it is Journalism practical. Then I want to write for an hour. Then I want to learn investing.

Secondly I will start a notebook for every subject that I am learning. The reason for a notebook is to write what I learn, summarize and notice my thoughts pattern as I study. I want to ask questions like "What am i learning?", "What is the point of what I read earlier?", "How does it connect to earlier ideas/notes/whatever?", "Why can't I understand this?". Doing all these make me connect with what I am learning and it helps me deepen my thought process.

Fasting helped to clear my mind from mental fogging. I remember the first few days when I started fasting this month, I walked at night with such mental clarity that everything that I see seems so clear and magnified; my mind was sharp and taking in all the sights and my senses so sensitive. When I read, words just speak to me like the author telling me. Usually when I try to sit and read many irrelevant thought start to dribble in my mind that I have difficulty focusing. Then emotionally I will be besotted by feelings of fear and discomfort. But when I fasted and learn at night my whole being feel clear of this external distraction. I feel align and my heart is at ease. Clearly this is Allah's way to tell me that fasting has improved my internal system. After Ramadan I will attempt to fast on a regular basis; at least twice a week. I know it will be more challenging to fast after Ramadan with syaitan's whispering back. But inysha'allah I will pray that Allah makes it easy for me to fast and study.

Ramadan is ending soon. But hopefully that the process of learning for me is only the beginning. Embracing my natural learning strengths which include being a night person, kinesthetic and emotionally sensitive will align me to learning better.I will also have to make effort to stay away from committing sins. Fighting my nafs which will be exacerbated by external pressures to give in to commit sins will be on going. I have to recognise my weak times where these 'voices' will be strong in me and learn to manage them by just letting them go. Instead I will learn to hang on to what I am learning in Quran and learn to disengage these thoughts. I know these thoughts (whether from syaitan or others) are meant to weak my internal resolve and render me helpless and hopeless. But I also believe that this is Allah's test for me and that by turning to Allah I will be able to overcome my so called obstacles.

The most important thing for me to do is to learn to be patience with myself and to NEVER give up. This life is meant to be a test and no matter what happen I will have to learn to be steadfast. Tough times do not last. Allah DO. That I must believe.

Hopefully Allah will show me exciting new ways to open up my mind and discover knowledge like I never knew before, insya'allah! I am very excited!

happy 34th birthday

2009-09-06T22:39:00.002+08:00

Today is my birthday. Nothing special, really. Just add another year. Nothing much had happened since last year. Still moping. Still in depression. Still hating my job. What do I really want to say then? That next year is going to be another entry unless I do something today. ANYTHING. Set a goal. Break the courses of action into small manageable steps. Do it. Track it. Get back every time I sway from it. Achieve it. And celebrate. But what exactly do I want? A promotion? Quit SQ? Get an education? Get married? A new house? A new job? A new life? These are all to big to achieve for me. Not right now. I want small things. Like building my self esteem first. Start writing everyday and meant it. Be present. Do things that I enjoy. Like train others. Exercise regularly. Get my certificate in Journalism. Start a freelance writing career. Attend Pergas twice a week. Master Tajweed. Then start learn Arabic. Do volunteering at Old Folks Home once a week. Travel regularly and see the world.

I started seeing a shrink. I want to deal with my childhood issues. I want to address and overcome them. For once in my life I am taking positive action on the past. Enough is enough. I am exhausted on what it appears like a perpetual problem. I got to take matter to my own hands and do something about this.

I am struggling with homosexual tendency. Sometime I feel like I have finally overcome it. But when jet lag and fatigue hits, I am floored again and the urges come back on twice fold. I feel like I am fighting an impossible battle. A battle that has no end until I die. I can manage it but it is tough to hold my ground. But going back to the past is not the solution either. This is my test. I got to face it and keep asking Allah to help me. Only He can. To my own devices, I am weak. I can avoid compromising situations. But for how long? And with my self esteem at its lowest ebb and depression hovering constantly like vultures, it is a matter of time before I succumbed.

Either way I got to improving my self esteem and manage my depression to alleviate the weakening situation. It is tough. But I believe that Allah puts me here to test me. He never give His servants any more that one can bear. So I know I can overcome homosexual tendency if I stay patience and remain steadfast.

Looking for Inspiration!

2009-08-05T02:13:00.003+08:00

Procrastination can be a slippery road. I am sitting right now in my room in the middle of the witching hour (Its 10 to 2 am). What am I here for? Trying to kick start my system to do my journalism assignment. I am trying to force myself to sit through this and the writer resistance is strong within me. “Use The Force” I hear Darth Vader whispering in my ears. “Yes Darth, I am trying”. Between a sense of emotional and motivation inertia and trying to find all my will to overcome them lies the great promise of many rewards to come. No body can motivate me and push me except me.

I am coming up with many excuses like “Why am I doing this?”, “Can I do this?”, “Am I really, I mean REALLY a writer?”, “I don’t feel the inspiration to start”. So what? Just do it NIKE commanded. Use the advice that you put on the blog – that action will spur inspiration and not the other way around. If I can churn this crap, I can write meaningfully.

That is the main gist of it all; to seek meaning. I am feeling dead because at the crux of it I feel that I do not live a meaningful life. What is a meaningful life? A life that allow me to develop my talents and connect with someone else. That with my inner resources I can help others. I am uninspired by my work as a flight attendant even though that it pays me well and allow me to travel. As Mick Jagger sings “I get no satisfaction!”

Perhaps I have been doing this gig far too long and it has suck my soul dry. I hope not. I like to think that I don’t have drop everything and live at the mountains to start being a writer. I think most writers have day jobs. I am sure that I am not the first person to want to write and struggle with their own lack of motivation and enthusiasm. Come on let’s face the facts. Writing is the act of putting thoughts on a page. It is work. It requires concentration. It requires discipline. It require passion. Without these three things, writing becomes mechanical like my SEP guide. Even then you have to summon your inner resources to bring yourself presence in your writing.

Sure it may not be inspirational at the start. Or the words do not come out right the first few times. That is expected. In fact I think I should be looking forward to that. Writing like bodybuilding is about the journey more than anything else. Yes I am working towards coming out articles and novels. But the act of writing is fundamental. And I need to like it. That means falling in love with the act of writing and not necessarily your writing. If I can do that I will be jumping off my bed every morning to face an empty page feeling like a warrior facing the demon with out most enthusiasm of slaying him dead.

Just like bodybuilding I have to work at working out over time. I just don’t get big overnight. The process is slow and painful. But I still keep at it till today. It has taken me 17 years. I grew to like the process of working out. In the beginning there was the desire to be strong and muscular. That was the end product. But to get there takes time. Along the way I have to motivate myself and made many sacrifice. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I am glad I discovered bodybuilding.

So now I want to be a writer. I am ground zero. I have the basic ability to write and express my thoughts with a little flair. But I need the training and I mean lots of training. It will take some time before I actually feel writing is like second skin. But in the meantime I need to ingrain my brains with writing pattern. Just like bodybuilding I need to write everyday without fail – rain or shine. No one will motivate me. I will face rejections and of course lack of motivation but I will give myself the chance and space to grow and build my writing confidence. Over time I will be writing for a living; out of my travels and life in general.

My dream is to be a full time writer. I want to write articles, stories and books that I can share with the world. I want to use my life and whatever is left of it to inspire people to the greatness of Allah and Islam. I want to give people hope and solutions. I want to write as a form of self education and at the same time educating others.

Today I am grappling with my sexuality issues and my apathy towards my job as a flight attendant. I am totally uninspired by it and I do want to get out. This job leaves me tired with jet lag and this affect the function of my brain. During the day I am fidgety. I cannot sit still and the computer make it worse. I kept surfing from sites to sites knowing the I should be writing or do my assignment instead.

I want to be financial free so that I can pursue writing. I want to be able to live simply and write everyday. It would be great if I can have a small house at Bukit Rambai and work from home. Then my houses in Singapore can be rented out and continuously receive income. That would be a dream, yes. In the meantime this is reality. My short term goal is to complete my Cengage Journalism course by next year Oct. That is the dateline. If I really want to get out of SIA to do writing I better take my learning seriously and put in serious commitment.

Being a writer will require tremendous amount of perseverance and faith. In the beginning I won’t see anything out publish. But that is OK. I will have my moment, insya’allah. But I got to learn to enjoy writing first. That is a must. I got to fake it till I make it! The feeling will come later on. Now pretend. I just have to push myself. I am doing something meaningful. Writing is a meaningful activity. I am writing first and foremost for Allah! That in itself is a inspiration. GO for it!

2010 Holiday Plans

2009-07-26T01:13:00.004+08:00

I was just thinking earlier on breaking up my annual leave for next year into 6 slots. That way I will go for holiday every 2 months of work. I think it is necessary to have a holiday plan to pace myself and allow time for me re-calibrate and recharge my senses. Also I can make plans to explore the world one place at a time. I target to go at least one long trip (more than 5 days) and 5 regional trips. I will start at end of January, March, May, July, September and November. Among the many places I like to visit and explore are Angkor Wat, Burobudor and Colombo. I hope to take these times to take pictures of sceneries, people and places. And I hope to be writing articles on them too, insya'allah.

On another matter, I propose a hike of my rent in hoping that Ridzuan will allow me to continue staying inn his house. Come next year, I plan to buy a four room flat at Pasir Ris. I will immediately rent it out to crew. In doing so I am in fact expanding and diversifying my investment portfolios to further provide me with more passive income cum regular savings. It will come in handy for future re-investment or if I plan to use the monies for studies, insya'allah. Either way I think it is a better for me not to be staying in a house as I think now I am presented with the opportunity to make money. I should not waste it. In time should I decide to stay in my house at least I already have the means to do so. Or if I get married at least I have the cash to fund my wedding.

I hope Ridzuan accede to my request. If he doesn't, I will up my proposal to another amount. Hope not.

Room 144, London

2009-07-25T11:27:00.012+08:00

I was in London the entire week. I was a little disappointed that the wall light in my room was out of order. The entire room was dark and it made reading difficult. I was planning to do my writing assignment but I couldn't because I just couldn't concentrate in such a dim setting. I complained to the receptionist not once but three times. They said that they would send someone to fix the light but not a soul arrive at my doorstep (except the hispanic laundry lady to collect my used suit). To make things worst, my room was located at the second floor right above a the hotel restaurant and next to the walking street. People hovered around constantly for cigarette breaks and broke into loud conversations. I cannot open the curtain entirely because people can practically see me. Hence I have to draw the curtains in. This further darkened my room. II could have just change the room on the first day but I was exhausted and it was simply too much trouble. Further I thought they would take some action after my request to have the light fix.

Aside from defaulting of the light, my stay in London this week was OK. On my day off, I wanted to go see the British Museum at near Holborn station. But I didn't. I went on the second day. I spent the first day lazing around reading newspapers and then after ward going to the gym at Fitness First near Gloucester. The gym was crowded and small; even at 2 p.m.. I was hoping that I can avoid the lunch hour crowd. I had to navigate and negotiate around the machines and people so that I do not have to be in anyone's way or disrupt the flow of my workout. Thankfully I managed to elicit a satisfying job out of my exercises.

I thought of buying some comedy dvds and book but couldn't find anything that I like. The selections at Virgin Bayswater are rather limited. In fact even the bookstore next door also seems to be languishing from varieties of books. Their stock appeared to be diminishing. Maybe they are closing down and had transferred some of their stock to other branches. I ended buying a grey long sleeve sweater from Gap because I was under dress for the unexpected chilly weather. I wore that sweater after purchasing it.

Malaysian Hall decided to tighten their security. Patrons to their famed underground eatery (aka the canteen) have to come in via the main entrance of the embassy now. Then they walk down via a staircase to the basement. I was little perturbed to do just that. I walked up to the main door and I saw a buzzer at the wall on the side of the door. I was hesitant to touch it because I was not sure it was the right thing to do. I kept looking into the side window but couldn't see anything clearly because of the blinds. As I walked down the steps, a voice came over the mini speaker " Please press the button". I did and the lock unhatched. I stepped into the embassy and saw the receptionist to my right. I greeted her "Good Morning". Then I went straight to the back. Perhaps because of the new security measure, the crowd seems to have thinned. The canteen is physically stuffy too because of the shut windows and doors. They should install a ceiling fan. I should have suggested. Nonetheless the food is still good. That's what counts.

The British Museum located near Great Russell street is a truly a sight for the sore eyes. The really grand building housed almost seven million objects of human and natural history. This was my second trip there. On my last visit several months ago I had the opportunity to attend their seasonal exhibition on Babylon. It was breath taking and amazing to say the least. This time I opt to just see their regular displays. They were expansive and it is virtually impossible to be looking at every section of the museum on a single visit. Like the Louvre of Paris, the British Museum begs repeat visits to be savored and enjoyed. This time I concentrate on two sections: Enlightenment and Islamic World.

Enlightenment house objects and artifacts from the earliest of the British discoveries through their many conquest since 1600. It covers seven disciplines: Religion and ritual, Trade and discovery, the birth of archaeology, Art history, Classification, the decipherment of ancient scripts and Natural history. I chose to do Enlightenment because it intrigues me. Turned out the section is on the British learning and understanding about their world. What fascinates me was looking at all these artifacts which had existed for hundreds of years and read the stories behind them. I went through the exhibition accordingly reading the explanations and then looking at the exhibits. The need to learn through classification of subject matters according to their criteria (similarities,, differences, graduation) was important.

A lot of things goes through my mind as I sauntered and examine the displays. One of the things was how short life on earth is. All these people have lived before, loved, hoped, created and now they are gone in their next journey. That no matter at which time we live, our existence need one similar goal: to seek meaning on why we are here, who we are and where are we going after? That if all things have purpose what are ours? Is it just to live and consume? There must be a higher purpose. I also thought about what people in the next hundred or thousand of years (if the world still have not reach Armageddon) would think of us as they see us as exhibits? Would they marvel at how we lived our lives? Would they find enlightenment as they reflect on how brief life is? Would they think of it as just history and of little use?

The fact of the matter is this exhibition does serve an important function; that is to remind us that neglectfulness and heedlessness of people in the past. What has become of them and of their arrogance and pride? Nothing. What good are famous names, discoveries, inventions, or body of work that they amassed? Yes they benefit people to a certain degree. But without knowing their REAL purpose, it is of little merit.

What would become of me too in a few years time? I will be gone like these people in the museums (I meant dead AND alive). I would be gone to another form of existence. Would I find comfort or regretting over the things in the past (for the things I could have done)? Will my actions benefit me (like a residual income) or will it bore no fruit except that of bitterness and pain? It made me think of of what truly matters and all the time that I am wasting now.

Life update, this week

2009-07-19T12:23:00.001+08:00

“This has been a boring week without much being done. My first journalism assignment is due this week on the 23 and I haven’t write anything yet. I kept proscrastinating and entertaining the idea of being a writer. Thinking of being a writer is one thing. Doing is quite another. Yes it will take me to overcome my own self doubt or inflating sense of self confidence. I sensed tension each time I want to read my textbook. Like I was going to failed or being judge of my performance. It was like I am expected to do something.

There are things that I want to do like reading and learning my work manual. I am trying to gather my emotions to find the right motivational reason to just that. But sitting around and doing nothing won’t help. Frankly I am not enthusiastic about it. But then again, if I just follow my emotions blindly I will never get around to be enthusiastic on anything.

I am postponing my PERGAS class. While I like to learn about Islam, it is challenging for me to attend class on a continuous basis. Last semester, I managed to only attend half of my semester. This semester, I couldn’t attend the first 4 classes. I contemplate on quitting. But I want to learn. Yes, I could have make more effort to study. But I didn’t. I was battling my inner emotions; wrestling with my inner self all the time.Morever I was not making it a priority to learn at all. Hence my performance faltered.

I emailed PERGAS indicating my intention to still pursue my studies albeit in a different manner; I want to do the express SPI program instead. At least with two days in a week, the chances of attending for me would be higher. Yes, I will still have to do study. In fact I would have to make an even greater effort to read ahead. Now that I have a lot of time, I would start early before the semester start. Once it start, the classes will serve to clarify what I don’t understand and to expand on my knowledge, insya’allah!

The challenge for me is to keep a focus on what is important in my life. Maintaining my energy level despite my jet lag is another challenge. I wish that I have a routine job. I can plan my life around it more easily. Now I am juggling between erratic work schedule, recuperation from jet lag, fatigue, the need to study and to maintain a consistent effort, my own inner self doubt, my family, my workouts, cooking and maintaining my life in general. It seems unsurmountable. But hey, there is no perfect life.

I want to manage my time well; list things that I need/want/have to do and plan my activities ahead. I want to have energy to work, study, work out, spend time with friends & family, pursue my interests (cooking, writing, photography) and still have time to just do nothing. I want to do things that truly matter.

I decide to quit Toastmasters for good. The reason is that I couldn’t find a reason for me to do it. While honing my public speaking skills has a potential in future, I want to do things that truly matter to me in this life. My main focus is to learn about Islam and the Quran. Everything else that I do must support this main purpose. I cannot imagine doing anything else than to spread Islam.

I am thinking about my life work. I realise that I do not have much time left. Hence, for me to spend time on trivial things will take me away from memorizing, understanding and applying the Qurtan into my life. I don’t want to be supporting other people’s goals or doing for other reason than to get the approval of Allah. Yes I want to be a writer and a successful one. But that would only because through writing I can help others; inspire others to Allah and spread Islam by showing the beauty. I cannot do anything for sake of exhibitionism or fame. It is too shallow and insignificant a reason to be spending my resources on. After all why chase after the impermanence when I can have Allah.

I foresee myself to live a simple life. I just want to buy a small 3 room flat. I want to work as a writer and open up my own publication company (focusing on self help books and children’s). I want to quit SIA in 5 years time. I see myself as someone that will continue invest in different asset groups (mutual funds, fix deposit, REITs, ETFs, blue chips, property) to provide a continuous mutiple source income. I want to develop my interest in photography (as to show the greatness of Allah’s creation and to help people ponder the meaning of their existence). I want to continue to study Islam and pursue a circular degree (perhaps photo journalism/ business mgt?). I want to contue travel and see Allah’s creations and find meaning to what I read in Quran.

I cannot live my life doing aimless things. I cannot do things for the sake of doing. I must live my life purposefully. I cannot do things simply for money or survival. Yes right now I am facing a challenge to overcome my self doubts and fatigue. But I believe that anyone that want to seek a meaningful existence and pursue life work will also face similar if not even tougher challenge. It is part and parcel of living. For if everything is one straight road without any curve or bends, what would be the point of existence?"

Overcoming Propensity to Self Destruct

2009-07-04T12:16:00.003+08:00

Negativism is a dangerous thing. When it is combined with depression and isolation it can result into a negative energy with a propensity for self destruction. I am hating myself this moment. I am hating my work. I am hating my life. Why? Everything about me spells inertia. I am disconnected from family or any social relationships. I feel like I want to escape this life. I want to get out of this job by simply get out of the country and immigrate to another place. I am feeling resentful of my relationship with my family because nobody is needing anybody for the right reasons. Money is always the only binding factor that ties us. We don't share. We don't care. We simply don't care less. My job hardly sparks my imagination. It is monotonous, uninspiring and worse of all it gives me jet lag and numbs my senses. I wish I can be more involve sensory wise or intellectually. I wish that I can do something that I care about and build things with my hands. I wish that I am creating a community out of my work. I hate myself because I don't know how to love myself. I don't have the confidence to connect with anyone. I am isolated and I hate meeting new people everyday without creating a lasting bond. I hate to be traveling as a job. I want to have a job that stay in one place. I hate the fact that I got to move. I don;t have a sense of belonging. I want to have my own place with my own space to go home to. I am not feeling an enthusiasm for anything now. I feel lifeless. Listless. Monotonous. Dead.

My First Over Seas Trip Alone

2009-05-31T23:14:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I am going down under for my first ever trip overseas. I am heading to Tasmania for a week. I am not feeling excited. On the contrary I am feeling a little sad. Why? I don't know. Just depress. I am a little reluctant to leave Singapore. Like I just don't want to bother. But since I have already made plans, bought tickets I got to go. I WANNA GO. I want to get out of here for a while. Do some self reflection and clear my mind. I need to do some rebalancing. Insya'allah I hope I will be return with new zest; renewed and ready to take on fresh challenges.

Trying to find my way out of this inertia will take time. I will make effort to see which direction to take. I just have to be patience and keep ask Allah for directions. In the meantime just try reading as much as I on books to help me steer towards that direction. It will be a matter of time before spark of ideas start to flutter in my head. This is a process of searching that I am going through. Do not make any irrational decision at all. Keep options open.

I attended an IDP fair today and took a self assessment test on the career choices. Turned out that most of my career choices are in public service sector. The funniest part? They list being a religious leader as my number one career choice. Is that a joke or a sign? Me a religious leader!

I want to change my life. I want to find a job that is meaningful not just here but for the hereafter. I don't want a job merely to look for career fulfillment. I want something that I can continuously learn and grow intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. I am now on a quest.

Tassie, here I come

2009-05-28T13:22:00.003+08:00

6 More days to go before my first trip on my own to Tasmania, Australia! I have no idea what it will be like. But looking at the photos at Lonely Planet, Tasmania looks great. It has lush wild life, beautiful landscape, mountains, a small town and spectacular sea. That is the kind of place that I want to go to find myself. Initially I was thinking of going Croatia and Bosnia. But Rahman recommended me to head down under. He said that Tasmania is a wonderful place and very scenic.

This is going to be my first trip on my own. It is so ironic that I have been flying around the world for 12 years but yet to actually go for a real holiday alone. Well this is going to my first. I hope that all goes well. I hope that this will be a fulfilling trip which will help me to look into myself.

The weather is going to be chilly. It is winter now in Australia. So better get the warm clothing packed. Don't forget medications. Oh yes and the camera!

Strengthening The Will

2009-05-23T14:56:00.004+08:00

According to Ramez Sasson will power is defined as the ability to overcome laziness and procrastination. It is the ability to control or reject unnecessary or harmful impulses. It is the ability to arrive to a decision and follow it with perseverance until its successful accomplishment. It is the inner power that overcomes the desire to indulge in unnecessary and useless habits, and the inner strength that overcomes inner emotional and mental resistance for taking action. It is one of the corner stones of success, both spiritual and material.

In looking at myself in this area, my willpower is in dire need to be strengthen. Mentally feel fat and like a slob. I like to develop myself to overcome my personal obstacles and achieve certain goals. But internally I feel tired and defeated.

Go Travel

2009-05-22T18:53:00.007+08:00

My annual leave is looming ahead. It falls between 31 may to 10 June. I want to travel. I have been scouring the travel ads and so far it has been fruitless. I am interested to go Tehran, Ubezisktan, Mongolia or even Granada. There are several local tour agencies that are planning to go these places but the problem is it don't fall on my annual leave dates. So what am I to do? Just sit and watch the days go by again? Then get angry at myself for not going anywhere?

Or alternatively I can go on my own. Do research where I want to go. Get the ticket. And go. I know I am always saying I want to. But I am afraid to actually go out there and do it. Why? Why is this fear to live? Why am I afraid to venture and travel? I am afraid that I will be hurt. That I will be lonely. That I will go and explore my homosexuality. But what exactly is my intentions to travel? To see the wonders of Allah and reflect on my life and the direction I am going. Also to live and see people. I am just afraid of myself; of what I might become if I let myself go..

Actually on the hindsight I have always avoid people. I have always been lacked of self confidence in myself. On top of that my earliest childhood memories with people has been less than happy. I was ridiculed and humiliated by my own family and have always felt inferior vis-a-vis to others. That is why I always compensated myself by getting involved in the theatre. I have this fear that people will hurt me. Hence I was always in the realm of second thoughts; polite thoughts. I didn't have the courage to be upfront with my opinions. I became meek.

Life is meant to live. Go with good pure intention. Seek Allah to help. I am sure I will be fine. In fact I might ended up invigorated and renewed. Face your fear. I know this is cliched. But it's true. Plan where you want to go. Then do it. Insya'allah things will work out fine. You'll see..

Be Patience

2009-05-17T20:13:00.004+08:00

Be patience. Though I am going a tough time right now battling depression, loneliness, a need for a change of life work, low motivation, I need to be patience. It is easy to let go to just about anybody but I need to hold back my tongue from spewing off negative talk. I know I need to get it off my chest. Talking out loud helps to alleviate my stress and perhaps leads me to a solution. But talking to about everybody on my current state of mind and life won't make things better. What exactly am I trying to achieve by talking to colleagues or classmates my unhappiness? It will just push them away from me. The most I will get is a pat of sympathy or worst still pity.

Yes it is painful to be holding all inside. But the only place I need to turn to is Allah. Talk to Him. Share with Him all my grievances. Ask Him for help and directions. In the meantime, stop saying you hate your job. You are not happy. Enough. Stop all these whining. Be a man! Smile broadly and force yourself to be cheerful, motivated. Fake it till you and everybody believe it. For the next couple of days, suck it in. If you need to talk, talk to yourself in the mirror in the morning. Share with yourself how you feel. After that go about your day with head held high and smile.

Another thing is while you are feeling down about life and low about yourself, there is a tendency to 'fix' the situation quickly; to escape the discomfort. DO NOT DO ANYTHING at this point. NEVER COMMIT to a life changing decision until you are more stable emotionally to think things through, reflect and analyze. You are still at the point of finding out about what you REALLY want out of life. So take time to read, research and find out. You don't change your life in a jiffy.

At this moment, continue to do what you are doing. Work. Write daily. Focus on doing your writing course despite these hang ups. Read widely. If depression hits you and you feel lousy, just take a break. Stay away from the internet. Be strong. Go for a walk. In fact schedule a walk in the park weekly. Go Bukit Timah, Mac Ritchie, Botanaical Gardens, Mount Faber. I feel better after spending some time with nature.

The reason I am saying all these is that I don't want to end doing thing rashly. What I need to address is to increase my self esteem and confidence. I know my pain is due to cut off from social and family contact. While being a flight attendant is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, quitting adhoc is not a good idea either. I need to plan. I may be able to do a transition while I am still flying. The point is don't jump ship just because you feel terrible.

Instead of heading Perth, go for a real holiday for yourself. Go to places where you are away from civilization and have moments to yourself to reflect and think. Making a life decision is no small matter. Don't be rash. The tendency to jump ship is high. You are used to this way of solving problem. Today do something different. Face the discomfort. Ask yourself what about this situation that makes you unhappy? Reframe your thinking. What is Allah trying to teach me? What can I do to expand my thoughts to grow to the next level? I don't have to relocate to Perth to escape. Perhaps my life lies there. But in this moment now can I do something positive to slowly walk towards that change?

Remember Zaki with every difficulty there is relieve. There is opportunity here to be seize. The question is do i want to keep looking at what I don't have or focus on what I have? The choice is mine. Even if I go Perth, I will still have to face my insecurity and depression. It will not go away. Then what? Leave again? Quit? Come on Zaki. Start to grow up. Learn to deal your inner problems as they comes. What worse would happen?

I Can Change!

2009-05-13T10:38:00.005+08:00

I want to move on and change my life. I want to create a life that I never experienced before. Today I realize that the work that I got to do is intertwined with my strong desire to feel belong. It cannot be separated. While I used to think that a job was like an escape, earn a living and enjoy life I realize today that I cannot be working solely for money or to travel. To me making a living must involved what I love to do. Must have a sense of community. Must be contributing for the benefits of society.

I know that my family life is non-existent. That while I have a family, we do not communicate beyond "Hi", "Bye", "How's things". There is distrust between us. There is awkwardness to even share feelings amongst us. These situation has profound effect on me as a person. Even though time and time I shrug it off saying to myself "That's just my family", or that this situation don't matter. But now I realize it does. In fact it meant a BIG DEAL. I realize that a big part of me feeling depressed over my isolation from my family is that we are not even trying to communicate and talk as a family. That create a huge chasm within me to have a sense of belonging.

To worsen the situation is at work, my relationship with my workers are fleeting most of the time. We do not have solid stable relationships to build from. We communicate amicably. But they are on a superficial plane; usually on working themes like "What's your next flight?"; "Where you came back from?" and " "How's London?". Even though I could relate to one person or another, it is hard to sustain because people all have their own lives. Hence, I do not make effort to invest much emotionally into a conversation.

I know that ideally having sense of belonging should start from young in the vicinity of a home and in secured comfort of a family dynamics. But I do not have experience that at all. My early childhood has been one of fear, doubts, anxiety, physical and emotional stifling. Hence even though I tell myself that I can get over it and that sense of belonging don't matter, it does till today. It is like I need this to feel whole as a human being.

On top of that at work, the culture is superficial. They appear friendly and approachable. But for me it is hard to be faking myself all the time. Yes, certain time being not totally open is not practical. But when I can't be myself for years, I feel like I am gagging myself. I have to say the right things. I must behave according to protocols. In other words I must act the part. For a while I am able to tolerate that. But knowing that I am unique and I have this desire to express myself freely, I feel like I was at home again; being stifled of my individuality.

The values that I stand has always been to work hard and honest. I like to come up with ideas or be spontaneous. But in my work consistency is the key. Upholding company's image is paramount. Order is needed and we need to follow the processes to attain this goal. Ideas can be expressed but in the right channel, using the right language. Spontaneity is encourage albeit in more appropriate form; one which does not border into familiarity.

Hence, looking at my situation I realize that while I do enjoy certain aspect of being a flight attendant, I am not happy with this job. Given my unique emotional need to have a stable sense of belonging, familiarity of faces and place, a need to develop genuine relationships (with the things and people around me) and the ability to express myself freely while exercising creativity, I find that being a flight attendant is a mismatch from the start .

True, I never actually thought of all these when I applied for this job. I was unhappy with my family. I see that being a flight attendant as a ticket out of the emotional misery. But today I realize that I can run away but I cannot escape from the clutches of the effects of unhappy childhood. Today more than ever, I see my discomfort and dislocation within as a sign that this effect is in fact have not diminish over the years. It has grow larger like a tumor.

Like a tumor if it is not address today will result in potentially fatal consequence. But having discovered this now and take actions necessary I can perhaps halt the tumor from growing further. Perhaps I will be able to remove it and start a new life in a clean slate. Ignoring it will be at my own peril.

There are two things that I can do. Ignore the pain (that means to live in misery) and continue to work as flight attendant. Yes I will get promoted as time goes by. But I will be an unhappy man wasting my life and never to discover my true potential. The other thing I can do is to explore my interest, find the course to do and commit to do it. Find a work that is in line with my passion. Develop a relationship with the community I am serving. Continue to serve and continue to learn to improve. I might have to start from zero. It will not be easy. I will have to spend a considerable amount of money. I might not discover all the things that I never have.

But between the safe and secure road and one which leads to the unknown one thing is certain. Death is imminent. Whether I am here or anywhere else on Allah's earth, I will still die. Yes, being contented is one thing. But Allah also says that He will not change the condition of a people until they make effort to change.

* I just realize the similarities between my work place area and the condition at home growing up. They are full of behavior rules. At home I was not allowed by my father to show emotions like crying, laughing (even though we watched comedies), listening to music (it's satanic), angry (when I disagree) or argue. Everything that we do is black or white. I felt so stifled that I started to act invisible (that means I stop participating in any family matters). My father decides everything. He will approve/disapprove. No one is to undermine his authority. We avoid things that will incurred his wrath.

At work this prohibition of displaying extreme emotion is condoned. We are constantly reminded to behave at all times. Recalcitrant behavior will not be tolerated. Everything is in black and white. Everyone afraid to do things (for fear of being reported in). I feel like I am in school. Individualistic behavior are looked upon disdainfully. Orders must be complied and then complain to the right channels. No question of authority. Everything is formal and official.

Now I am beginning to see while I was able to fit initially (Because I already has prior learning behavior), But at home after I realize that i my family situation cannot change, I rebelled and left home. Actually my father forced me to leave because I kept questioning him and he resent that fact. At work, I can play dumb and go along with them system. But I know that deep down it is only a matter of time before I burst and snap. I cannot play the Stepford Wife syndrome any longer.

I need to be human. I need to express myself. I need to work in an environment that i promotes growth and self empowerment. I am not one that can play politic and be a two face. I remembered my eldest brother used to hate my father (He called him and still does Pak Wang). Yet he knows that he needed the money. So he didn't go against my father. He tried to be in my father good books by reporting me when we make mistakes. But when he wanted to go Uni, it was my father's money that he used. Yet he continues to criticize him at his back, calling him derogatory names.

But for me, the moment I knew that my father is someone that always try to instill guilt in us by always bring up his good deed towards us, I stop asking him for money. In fact I was hurt by what he did to me that as early as 14, I started to work for my own pocket money. I told myself I will not allow him to "imprison" me with his guilt and emotional black mail me. Even though I hated him I have integrity and dignity. I work for my money from 14 until today. I still kept my promise of not asking him money. Till today he can never bring anything up against me.

Which is why till today I do not know to play politic at work. Maybe that's why I do not get promoted. But that is me. I want to lead my life with clear conscience.

Where do I go from here?

2009-05-09T21:41:00.007+08:00

Ok, time and time again I have poured out my grievances about being depressed and stagnant. Where do I actually go from here? I need to address the issue. Otherwise it will just be swept under the carpet. Nothing else will happen. I am re-reading GOALS by Brian Tracy and he shared about the importance of having goals that are in line with your values. He said that leaders focus on what they want. Non-leaders talk about what they don't want. Here I like to take stock of my self. What do I REALLY want then? Here I create an interview with myself to analyze what I really want and what my values are.

Q: Tell me about the state of your life right now.
Z: I am unhappy with my life because I feel my life is not going anywhere. I hate my job. I don't have family support. I feel stagnant.

Q: Let's talk about your job. What do you do and why do you hate it?
Z: I work as a flight attendant. I hate it because one I hate to jet set. It leaves me tired all the time. Second, I feel that I am NOT living my purpose to use my god given talent. Third I hate the pretenses of the culture. I never feel belong here.

Q: So if you hate it, why do you keep working as a flight attendant?
Z: The money is good. But I am beginning to see the price that I am paying for.

Q: What would you do if given a choice to do anything?
Z: I like to start my own small business serving a community; doing something that connects with everyone.

Q: What are you passionate about?
Z: Cooking. Specifically Malay food. I love to try baking too. Anything that involve my hands and senses. Food has a tangible way of touching people. Good Malay food is slowly disappearing. I hate to see that happen. I see it as a responsibility to keep this wonderful cuisine going. Maybe I will write a book. Teach people about it.

Q: That sounds practical. Let say it is possible to realize that. What can you do to start realizing that goal?
Z: I like to go TAFE to learn Asian cooking and baking. Then I would work in a restaurants for a few years to gain experience running an operation. Then I would open up a small eatery which will sell Malay food to go. I also like to sell products which people can buy and cook at home. I will focus on prepared dishes in the morning; Nasi Padang in the afternoon and kuihs in the afternoon. I will also conduct small classes to teach Malay cuisines.

Q: What else would be in your goals of the future?
Z: I like to own a house with a small farm where I can grow my own vegetables. In addition to running my own small business, I would participate in the local Islamic centre learning and teaching Quran, insya'allah. It would be a dream to help spread Islam. I would also like to volunteer in the burial and care-taking of the local community. As my business become more stable, I will expand my core business by doing in house bakery; baking gourmet breads using seasonal and organic ingredients. If I have the time and energy, I will take up real estate course too so that I can provide service to those that needs accommodations.

Q: Tell me about your values. What do you value in life?
Z: I value honesty, hardworking, a sense of gotong royong or community spirit. I value feeling belong. Helping others is also important to me. My life work will have to encompass all these values. I believe that the money will flow in when I do what I love, insya'allah.

Q: Tell what would be your ideal life?
Z: My ideal life would be one where I have a loving and supportive family to go home to. I never have that experience before. All my life, I am resentful of the fact that although I have a family, I never feel that they exist. So for a change I will like to develop a family that is loving to each other; support one another. My work will involve what I love-cooking and baking. This is one way I make a living and serve my community. On top of that I will actively continually learn by attending food trade fairs, going to places to scour for ingredient suppliers (Perhaps Malaysia and Indonesia). From time to time I will conduct cooking classes to educate the Australians on Malay food. I will also perhaps write a book on it. Spiritually, I like to get involve with the local Islamic centre learning and teaching. If there is an opportunity to study Islam in greater depth, I will pursue it.

Q: So what is your next step in fulfilling this goal?
Z: I need to plan my finances. I plan to buy a house first in Singapore before I go next year. Then I will rent it out to provide me with a source of income. I will use only about $40K of my CPF monies for my house. I will set aside about 2 years worth of mortgage payment from CPF to a money market account. After buying the house, I will transfer back the 2 years worth of mortgage into my CPF account. From there they will deduct from every month. In the meantime, the rent that I collect from my house will go to my savings account. I can invest part of it and save the rest.

After buying house, I will cashed out all my SQ shares. These will be my capital to fund my courses in TAFE. I have 3 lots of SQ shares. Hopefully by next year it would have gone up to at least $15 a share. I hope that I can raise at least $45K from that.

As for my living expenses, I foresee that I will be taking a part time job while studying there. Hence I will not touch my savings at all. Hence the game plan is that while I study there in TAFE, I have both residual income from my rent. On top of that my monthly investment program will continue, insya'allah.

Q: So when are you planning to do next?
Z: I am going down to Perth this June to consult with the TAFE about enrollment. I am looking at enrolling during the summer of 2011, insya'allah.

Q: Do you have any fears?
Z: Yes I fear I will be all alone and lonely or not finish the course. Then again, I have been living on my own for the last 13 years; doing everything all by myself. What difference would it make? It is just another place. Besides I will be spending time discovering cooking and hone my skills, making new friends. It will be the next step of my life's journey. Above all it will be an adventure!

More On Not Being Happy...

2009-05-09T03:26:00.002+08:00

When I think about my life situation, I realize that my unhappiness goes all the way back to my family and childhood. Frankly my senses are numb now that I actually can't remember when was the last time I actually feel a sense of joy within me; if not ever. I have never felt happy unless when I am doing something. But recently I felt alive was when I was learning to cook with mak. I was excited because cooking makes my senses come alive. I see, I taste, I feel. As I was cooking, my mind was racing thinking "Will this ingredient be compatible?", :How will it turn out if I ...". It was like an adventure. I felt my adrenaline rush. It felt good.

All my life I am always running away from pain or discomfort. I mean if I can't solve a problem, what is the used of trying? Just let it be. My family has always been a source of pain and misery. I don't want to sounds like a complainer but my family never has the ability to demonstrate care and concern. No one extend to each other support. But everyone is quick to criticize. I hate living with my family. I felt resentful of the fact that they always try to undermine my self confidence and self esteem. There are plenty of anger in family. But nothing gets resolved. I try to bridge the relationship but it is only me that tries. My brothers and father can't care less whether I am dead or alive. They only care and worry about themselves.

I join the airlines to 'escape' my family. But being in the airlines has never been my plan for a life work. I just cannot stand staying in a house of hell. Now that I am almost 35, I will finally buy a house of my own. I can finally claim my independence. Then I will quit my job as a flight attendant and do something that I love and make a living out of that. I cannot solve my family problems and all the baggage that reside in me from those years of neglect and pain. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with them either. It is my right to find happiness in my life. My family may have caused me a lot of mental anguish and isolation but it is time for me to grow up and out of this emotional doldrums.

On being sick...

2009-05-08T22:33:00.008+08:00

I am on MC for four days for fever and URTI (Upper Respiratory Tract Infection). Initially I thought of just let it be considering that I am already starting to feel better. But I thought it would be better to be safe and rest fully before returning to work. I don't really care about being penalize come promotion. Heck my health is more important. Anyway I am not looking forward to work these days. I am not looking forward to anything at all. Life is has lost its color. I am going through the motions of merely existing. I know this inertia is life trying to tell me something; that I got to make a change. But what kind of change? I am trying to find an answer. I know for one thing I got to quit being a flight attendant for good. That would be the first thing. Second thing is to find something that I love to do; something that create sparks and connect me with my deeper purpose.

I read a book A Life @ Work by Thomas Moore. It is a refreshing book on finding your life work. It is simple yet his words resonate with my internal turmoil and predicament. Finding a life work is more than just getting a job or career. It is about trying to find something to do with your life that you are made for in this life. It is doing for you are meant to be doing on this earth. I know this sounds a tad idealistic. But I can't help but to agree with him because I am going through a state of depression and that has largely got to do with a mismatch of who I am (and what I represent) with what I do.

My dissatisfaction with what I am doing is affecting the other parts of my life. I am a passionate person with lots of energy and brimming with ideas to solve things. But the fact that I feel 'trap' by this job, I feel emasculated in other aspects of my life. Why do I feel trap in first place? I feel trap because I don't know what to do In Singapore if I quit this job. In fact I think being in Singapore with all the financial pressure and expectation and materialistic culture is killing me. There must be more to life than this. I want a balance life where I can work in something that i love, pursue study, help others, take a vacation. Life in Singapore is all about work make money and nothing else. There is no soul. Everything is about the short term. I hate that.

I like to do something that involve creativity, a real sense of community, passion. Right now I am in emotional and spiritual doldrums as I live day to day living for a paycheck and my future being dictated by career path that I am hardly enthusiastic over. I mean I know I am capable to do more than this. I hate to say this but I don't give a hoot about getting promoted. What I really want to do is something that I love (cooking?Baking); do/grow something with my hands and/or to start something a small business which connect me to a community. Get involve. Teach people. Attend trade fairs. Sell my products. That is what I really want to do.

Working for an organization that only think about making money, is not what I have in mind of a career. I hate it but I can't fake it. If I am unhappy, it shows. I am bad actor. I don't see a future here in where I am working. I am not happy. I have been keeping it for a decade. It is about time that I do something about this. This June I will be going to Perth and do my research to study there. Let see which direction Allah will show me from there, insya'allah.

2009-03-10T21:26:00.009+08:00

Datuk Jasuki is at his death bed right now. I visited him earlier this afternoon with mak. He lies down weakly and stared at me. He don't remember who I am. He can't remember Mak either. Occasionally he lets out a small gasp. Nek Mah sat nearby, occasionally massaging his frail legs. She kept telling datuk mak is here; his eldest daughter. But datuk just kept staring without acknowledging. Perhaps he knows who we are. Maybe he is just too weak to respond. The lower right of his stomach is bulging. He is suffering from cancer. In fact he has 7 other ailments according his daughter later on. The doctor has requested for him to rest at home. There was nothing much the hospital can do. It is just a matter of time.

"What was he like?" I asked Mak later on while we settle down on our seats in Tampines food court. I ordered my favorite dishes Nasi Ayam Penyet and Gado-Gado. Mak is having Mee Hoon Soto. Mak cannot recall much. She was taken away from Datuk Jasuki's family when she was really little. But she do remember datuk holding her and played with her. I probed further whether had he been a temperamental feller in his youth. Mak insisted she can't remember. Perhaps it is not good to gossip on someone especially when he is in throes of death.

Datuk jasuki was a sailor. He was seldom home most of the time. Hence, mak was always with his family. But mak told me that his was not a good family. They drank, gambled and his mother even kept barang. Barang refers to evil spirit. Those days in pre-modern Singapore it is not uncommon for the people to believe in an alter menacing existence.

Mak recalled that when datuk was married to Nek Gemuk he always beat up Nek Gemuk. He used to listen lot to his mother. They didn't have any children. Datuk's mother didn't like Nek Gemuk much. It was rumored that she tried to 'disturb' her daughter in-law vis-a-vis through sending her the barang. Datuk and Nek Gemuk divorced shortly after and mak ended up with Nek Gemuk.

Despite living with Nek Gemuk, mak still keep in touch with datuk and his family. He remarried (to Nek Mah) and has four children. Once I asked mak about datuk and she recounts an incident that happened shortly after datuk and Nek Gemuk divorced. Nek Gemuk has demanded from him alimony to helped her support raising mak. But datuk refused to grant her. He flatly informed the judge that mak is not his daughter. "Dia anak Cina" he replied referring to mak being adopted from a Chinese family.

We sat down for a while by his side. Mak sat on a stool. She was crying. I just look on and occasionally touched his long and dried bony hands. They were folded on his chest. I asked Nak Mah for the Quran. I made ablution and then recite Surah Yaseen with Mak. Reciting the Quran to comfort him was the least I could do. I supposed nothing else really does matter to him right now.

2009-03-09T10:34:00.003+08:00

I have been thinking of many negative thoughts about myself. There are not new. But I think I need to 'air' them out just to let go of steam.

1. I am 33 and have no real friends.
2. I am socially inadequate. I feel tense around people.
3. I have no career.
4. I am wasting my life and my brains working in my current job.
5. Other people are always better than me.
6. I feel like I am not 'grounded' enough in terms of my beliefs.
7. Why can't I be more responsible? More mature?
8. Why am I so unsure about who I am and what I do?
9. Why I have never feel happy about anything?
10. Why do I feel so awkward about many thing?
11. I want to take a trip but I am scared that I might not be able to 'control' myself
12. I want to be a successful freelance writer and set up my own publishing company. But how do I do it?
13. Why do I feel I lack the energy and drive to do anything positive?
14. I am scared others will really know the real me.
15. People don't like me because I am just unlovable.
16. I feel trapped by my own life and the limitations that prevent me from excelling.
17. No matter what I do, it's pointless. I will never improve.
18. I hate my family; particularly my dad for making me feel what I am feeling today.
19. I feel my life is not going anywhere.
20. I want to learn but what do I want to learn? Can I really achieve it????

There you go, all my negative thoughts in the open. Perhaps by 'airing' them I can dis-empower their stranglehold on me.

2009-03-07T12:08:00.002+08:00

I am feeling much better now. Though I still experience slight sluggishness when I wake up. But at least my mind doesn't feel fuzzy or tired. Mentally I am cleared. My negative thoughts that swirled in my mind especially when I am drained has receded quite a bit, allahamdullilah. I now feel at ease to read.

I realize that poor diet has caused me to experience fatigue. Lack of adequate rest too. I have to make a conscious effort to monitor myself and to anticipate situations when I can fall back again to poor habit. I think past of this increased fatigue is due to growing older. My resistance may not be as strong as it used to be. Hence the more reason I need to discipline about my diet and lifestyle.

Since I am flying right now, on the days I am working out or flying I need to double up on my Vitamin C and B complex twice a day, twice the amount of iron and magnesium, double portion of Omega 3 twice a day and habatus saudah. On top of that I need to drink lot of water to clean my system.

As far as diet is concerned, I need to eat more fresh vegetables and fruits. Eat small but regular meals (6), Consume less red meat. Eat more whole grains and complex carbs.

It may take a slight change of choices. But I think it is possible, insya'allah. For health and for Allah!

2009-03-06T23:25:00.002+08:00

I am beginning to see the relations between what I am eating and my fatigue. As I mentioned earlier, for the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing fatigue. My mind has been swirling negative thoughts and I have trouble controlling what going in and out of my head. On top of that the jet lag and being away made my condition worst. I was turning into my own worst enemy. It can be hard to stay positive when internally I am lacking the right nutrients. I thought about my lifestyle and my diet. I think it is time that I play close attention to them.

My current lifestyle is a very active one. I workout three times a weeks doing strength and cardio exercises. They can get pretty intense. While my energy levels get boosted, I end up feeling more tired than before afterwards. This is because I lack sufficient vitamins and minerals to sustain such intense workouts. I take my vitamins sporadically. Also I consume a lot of sugar in forms of instant coffees and simple carbs. I drink insufficient water. I take in high protein which cause me to be listless (according to my Blood Type).

Hence, one of the things I can start is to drink plenty of water. Second, eat vegetables and whole fruits at every meal. Third, consume protein shakes only before and after workouts. Fourth, reduce the cans of Nescafe. Too much caffein impedes absorption of vitamins and minerals (thus rendering them useless). Also the sugar numb my brains and not too mention spike up my sugar levels. Fifth take Omega 6 and 9, Iron (for fatigue), Chromium Picolate, Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C, Habbatus Saudda and daily dose of Mega Men.

These changes are vital. They are to prevent myself from crashing and burnt out. As for my diet, plan a week ahead. Go shopping once a week for the protein and vegetables. Find easy to prepare food. Prepare the chicken and beefs in single portion. Simplify things.

As for working out, alternate heavy and light workouts. Do yoga stretching once a week to release the muscle tension in the joints. Have a "DO NOTHING DAY" once a week. Go for a walk. Break the routine of things. Eat out. Go for MRT rides. I think one of the reason that I burnt out was that I failed to relax. Once I am training I don't think. I am on the roll.

Talk about thinking, set a day in a month to think about what your month and the future. Spend some time thinking about the direction of life I want. Set new goals. Review existing ones. Plan the actions. Make it happen. Start with next Tuesday. Make that commitment. It for myself.

I think this fatigue taught me the importance of living consciously. Living day in day out reactively is clearly wearing me off. I want to know where I am going. I want to be able reflect and analyze my life so that I can adjust my actions according. Above all I want to have a balance life. Do it and talk about it later...

2009-03-05T12:00:00.003+08:00

It seems like every time I write an entry here I am feeling crap. At least I am doing something constructive here. Rather than channelling all my negative energies into self destruction, I am writing my blog; getting off my chest what's in my mind. Ok how do I feel now? Absolutely miserable. I have been doing nothing but surfing gay porn and masturbating to escape this depression and helpless. Has it helped me? No it actually made me more guilty and frustrated.

My life is going no where (so it seems internally) and I have no friends. I have a job but I hate it. I know there are other people worst off than me and than I should be grateful. At the rate that I am going, I am feeling like a getting further away from the right path. Do I want to go back? No. I don't want to rewind my life where I was living life the wrong way and felt like the world was closing up on me.

The more I try to get to the right path, the harder it gets for me to stick to it and live my life right. It is like Allah is constantly testing me and trying my patience with a lot more temptations. It doesn't help that my fatigue makes me feel worst. I feel like I am floating without any aim in life. It is a terrible wast of time and talent. I know thate there must be something that I can do to alleviate myself from this state of inertia.

Fine, the world is collapsing as I type. Financial institutions are breaking down. Companies are losing money. Millions are getting retrenched. We have never live under such a big blanket of fear for as long as I can remember. All of these make 911 looks like some scene from a Die Hard movie-forgettable. But against the backdrop of gloom and doom, I am sitting here struggling to make sense of my life and its direction amidst an on going depression and identity crisis.

I can't change the world. But I can change myself and improve. Leave the recession to the big people. Worrying over it won't do much; if any at all. Yes my job is at stake. Company is encouraging everyone to take unpaid leave to manage the surplus crewing situation. Retrenchment is not in immediate future but its possibility never discounted. But let's get back to me. Let see what I can do in small terms to manage my own problems and my internal negative dialogues.

In broad terms what are the areas thats on my mind? Work, investing, coping with fatigue, bodybuilding, religion, lack of contact with family, no friends, my unused talents, loneliness, fighting with homosexuality and other people's perceptions of me, sense worthlessness, feeling of helplessness at my inertia, lack of purpose and direction in my life. Overall I am aware that all these 'situations' summed up take me a way from one important thing - Allah. Allah is my source of my strength and guidance. Hence the first thing that I need to do is to pray and ask Allah for His help and direction. That would be the first step.

2009-02-04T10:56:00.012+08:00

I woke this morning feeling the blues. Perhaps its the thudding sounds of the basketball hitting the court outside that awoken me. Or may be it is just a case of jet lag. Either way I felt like shit. Depressed. Worthless. The same old dialogues swirled.

"I feel unloved", "I am lonely", "I don't feel any satisfaction from my job", "Why do I keep doing this for money?', "I feel trapped", "I hate my job", "I miss Simon", "Life is hopeless".

At times like this I wish there is a pill that I can just pop in and make me feel a lot better instantaneously. To be caught in a dread-lock of fatigue and jet lag is as close as I would ever experience a hang over. My worst enemy (my nafsu) starts to surface and negative thoughts make a resounding comeback. I start to sit down in front of the PC and as almost always ended in porn sites. Then I feel randy and start to 'play' with myself. Then I feel guilty for doing it. Then my mind start to feel dull. I almost always just get stuck sitting in front of the computer the entire day; wasting my time and my mind. It is a vicious cycle.

I kept telling myself to be patient and just let it go. Don't fight it. This soon will pass. But to be going through this over and over can be down right depressing. Yes, I know there are many people out there in worst circumstances than me and that I should learn to appreciate my life and what I have. I do. But I also like to believe there must be a better way to live my life , to earn my living doing what I love and enjoy and to get over homosexuality once and for all.

One of the main reason I feel listless and ineffectual is that I realize that I don't make a conscious effort to think about the direction of my life. Or what my goals are. I am generally unhappy with the current state of my life. I can however identify the effects of the unhappiness. But I am not making time to actually think what I want. What's my purpose and i mean my real purpose of existence and what are my strengths and interests.

I am going through life from age to age. Work to make money and pay the bills. I am just soaking life and whatever people are saying as I go as I do not put any control in shaping how I like my life to turn out. It is fine if I am feeling Ok about drifting like a piece of plank in an ocean. Some people make peace with that. They go where life takes them. But I am not like that. That is because if I am like everybody I would not be writing my heart out right now. I would probably be just be one of the crowd following what others like and do. But the fact of the matter is Allah created me and everyone differently. So I have to reflect and evaluated upon my life as what I am.

Allah created me not for fun or without reason. Allah makes me goes through what I am going through for a reason. I may not discover what is His reason or why. But I know my existence isn't merely just to exist, procreate, work to pay off debts, get old and die. I am made for a purpose. Sure all that I mention above fall under the natural order of things. I do want to have a family. I do want security. I want to do something useful and meaningful while I am on earth. But I believe that whatever Allah gives His servants gifts; whether it is health, talent, strength, wealth and youth they are meant to be used purposefully.

Right now living day to day without any goals to work on makes me feel I am just wasting my life. I accept that at present I am feeling a sense of inertia. But I also believe that if I change my thoughts, start to work towards something meaningful, life starts to shift towards that goal. Every day and every effort moves me forward towards that goal. Hence I will look forward to my days. There will be spring in my steps. I will breath air hungrily like it's the last drops of oxygen in the air. I will savour and milked every moment to the fullest.

Now I know how it feels like to be working day to day making ends meet. Sure I am a free man. Free to what I want ( am I, really?). I am not bounded by four walls. How come I feel shackled? How come I feel like everyday is just another day? It's like I have no choice but to go to work, being dictated by contract to perform at work on acceptable level while I feel no sense of passion. No sense of possibility. Just do as I am told. Live to pay the bills. So don't rock the boat.` Am I that different from the slaves of Babylon 2000 years ago?

Right now, the first thing that I can do is to rest completely from jet lag. Don't go to the gym if I am still tired. I need to start writing again. Everyday. I need to get away from PC unless doing something purposeful. My gay tendencies tend to surge when I am tired, depressed, hopeless. It feeds onto my weakness. Staying away from the computer force me to do other things like doing housework, pray, recite the quran and read. I am already making some real progress from homosexuality. My thoughts are clearing and I want to stay that way. Going back watching porn will just reinstate these visuals into my mind which will in turn instigate my nafsu. It will create the longings.

I need to get back and double up in sustaining my prayers on time. Also to fast and continue reciting the quran. My main obstacles in overcoming homosexuality are two fold-internal as well as external. Internally it is my thought process and my nafsu. My lack of self confidence also sometimes hamper my resolve to believe that I am not gay and I can overcome it.

To make it worse my work environment has the tendency to create self doubts in me. Some of my colleagues like to make insinuations of my sexuality. This make me defensive and in turn fester my self doubt again. It is a challenge. But i believe that these are all Allah's test for me to see whether I am resolve to change. I just need to be patience and let negative thoughts go. Do not dwell on it. Focus on other important things. Leave other thoughts to themselves. They cannot hurt me, insya'allah.@

2009-01-11T20:41:00.005+08:00

Ali couldn't sleep that night. He lie on his bed looking at the darkness thinking about what he wanted to write for his first play. His older brother Hafidz was snoring across. Ali gets out of bed quietly and sat at his desk. He turns on the table light and turned to see his brother. Hafidz didn't even muster any reaction from the light. Ali takes out his A4 size note pad from the drawer and begins to write. But nothing came out. No words. His mind was racing. Should he write about the fair tales? Or maybe about the tale of son sending his old father to the orphanage? Or maybe about the kings and queens in some far away lands battling dragons and demons? Many ideas came to his mind that night. But none came out of paper.

The next morning Ali's friends started to clamour around him. They wanted to know if Ali has written anything. Ali boasted that he has written an epic play. What is an epic? Prima, a bespectacled girl ask. Big Story offered another boy Tim looking very please. Like the Ten Commandments? asked Raju whose father is an active church member. Ten Comandments repeats Raju excitingly. Soon word got around the class about Ali's epic play. Everyone started to get excited and try to get Ali's attention.

I want to be the queen, demanded Ho Ching, a small loud voice girl. Yes the Tiny Queen, teased Sanusi the class unofficial joker. Ho Ching stomps Sanusi foot angrily. Everyone wants a part. Raju insists he is perfect to be Moses. After all he have seen The Ten Commandments like a million times. Allan, Ali's best friend wanted to be the Pharoah. The rest whom aren't as enthusiastic before now started to jump into the casting band wagon. Ali feels nauseous being in the centre of the storm. He still have not had a story yet. What is he going to do?

2009-01-10T17:40:00.006+08:00

He was a shy skinny boy. Awkwardly and talk too fast when he gets excited. And when he does gets a little excited from time to time, his voice cracks and becomes animated. His hands flew around like a marionette and facial expression twitches in varying degrees. Which is why he never felt comfortable with other boys. At his age most boys are always out in the fields playing soccer or fighting. But he spends his time in make shift cushions piling on top of of one another always traveling to some distant lands of kings and queens. But secretly he have always yearned to be like other boys. But they never feel comfortable around him. Finds him a little 'soft'. Hence he is always on his own company.

One morning during school assembly his form teacher Mrs Quek came over to him and asked him to write a play for submission in a interclass drama competition to be held in six months. Having no knowledge of drama what so ever, Ali nervously accepted the task. Few weeks ago he sat transfixed watching a drama performance of Romeo and Juliet by a senior class. He knew then that there was where he wanted to be-on stage. Now it was like god had answer his prayers. He is going to be on stage.

Ali started to work on a seemingly impossible task almost immediately. The minute he came home, he rushed to his desk and took out a A4 sized notepad and start brain storming. What shall he write about? He wondered. He needed ideas. Something fun and fresh. Something with music. Something challenging. His mother came over to his room and saw him still in his unkempt uniforms. Go and have a shower, she said. Father will be back any minute and he does not like to see that you have not done your asar prayers. Reluctantly, Ali left his desk and get out of the dirty uniforms for a shower. But his mind was still reeling with excitement. He is going to write his first play and he will acting on stage.

2009-01-10T16:41:00.008+08:00

How do you know that you are a writer? What do you feel inside when you are writing or not writing? Above all what makes you hold back from actually write? I think for most people the need to express is fundamental. Whether we do that by talking it out to someone, paint a picture, cook a storm, going for a walk, sings to our hearts content or write an entry to a journal the purpose is the all the same: we all want to be heard. There is a need inside the core of all of us that wants to say something. Saying something is not enough. We want to say it in our own special way in a special form which we feel most comfortable in.

Writing is the basic form of expression which has exist for thousand of years and the importance will not go away despite the existence of new communication technologies. It is the most basic which is accessible to anyone and everyone. Yet for some strange reason or another writing has been classified as a mysterious activity; reserved only for those that is talented. How do you know that you have talent anyway? How do we recognize this gift? We recognize it when we do it. We feels like returning home. It feels right in our bones that what we are doing feels like it is meant for us.

I have always felt that I enjoy writing. Through the years I have written sporadically; an entry here, a script there or a letter here. But it has never honestly been a focus of mine to actually hone this talent. I kept thinking: am I really a writer? I don't have the academic credentials, the knowledge, the experience..blah,blah,blah. My inner critics are just every where. They shoot my spirit down the moment it fly. It is probably my fault for even listen to the inner critics. I need to to fire them. The truth there are things that I want to say and share. Sure, I may not be able to be polished and probably will take years of experience to polish this voice. But the ability to think and express my thoughts out in the words are within my reasonable grasp. It is whether I want to take it seriously.

If I could write on anything I would write about living alone and trying to regain self confidence and esteem by embracing everything that I am. What about living by myself for ten years that amaze other people. I think the fact that I chose to live independently may be the reason. True having a family can nourish you but it can also be a pain. Do I want to have a family? Sure. But do I actually enjoy being with myself 247? There are times I do. Other times I get restless. But I am making peace with it. I am telling myself that god has reason for all that He does. Hence me being on my own has valid reason too. Allah must be preparing me for something bigger in future. He must be training me for a bigger cause.

But let's talk about the possibility of honing writing as a regular activity in your life? Do you think that it would be possible? I mean just like other activities such as bodybuilding or cooking, writing can be incorporated into daily routines which can result with time growth. When I talk about growth, I talk about both in terms of improving talent as well as personal. Do you think that would be possible? Or maybe another way to reframed that question is that: Do you think writing every day is impossible?
The answer of course is YES it is possible to commit to write every day. If it is why are you not writing?

I think I am not writing as frequent as I should or could because I do not set tangible goals. What is the purpose? How can use writing to help? What I don't know what to write about? Or I do not have the information to write. All of these are excuses (of course!) I think the real reason that I am not writing is that I am avoiding myself. That I am afraid to shoulder the responsibility. That if truly Allah created me with this talent then I would to use it as a way to thank Him. Will I be able to do justice to this talent that He gave? Or will I screw up and give up half way? I know that I am not confident of my own abilities and I need external validation and permission. That I need someone to hold my hand and show me step by step to do it.

What if I can have someone to give me the permission to write. That it OK to start writing and write everyday. What if I can picture in my mind someone that stands next to me and hold my hand while I struggle to keep my motivation and concentration to pen down thoughts? Can I write then? I think I can.

I am thinking of my secondary one teacher Mrs Quek as she came to me and asked me to write a play. I was so excited to do it. I didn't have the resources but I had an incredible passion to do it. I was so motivated that I enslave myself night and day to write and re-write numerous scripts. I was so engrossed into telling the story, conjuring up dialogues that I literally sleep and breath the entire play. I had never been so excited before in my entire life before and ever since. It was like I just know what to do. I became a different person; someone so confident beyond my age of 13th.

I didn't win the contest 9 months later. It was devastating. But it thought me something. That I could do something if I truly believe in it and work at it. I literally made it happen. It was an incredible process. Now 20 years later, I am sitting down in front of the Mac writing a journal entry of that most passionate journey. Although it is a distant memory, it felt like it happen moments ago. I have never experience such intense emotions ever since. Does that mean that I am not capable to produce that level of intensity any more. That it was just an accidental spark. Was that a sign of great potential which I need to pay attention to closely? Or have that flame truly vanish?

The flame and answer still lie (dormant) within me...

2009-01-01T23:14:00.007+08:00

Today is the first day of the 09. I came back home from Amritsa early morning at 4 am. I was very tired. I slept till 8 a.m. The repetitive sounds of the basketball on the court woke me up. I had troubled sleeping. So I had the windows shut and goes back to sleep. Again, I woke up at 11 am. This time by an sms by Abdullah and some one else (No idea who) wishing me a happy new year. I went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3 p.m.. I called mak to see how she is doing and I am glad to hear that she is getting better after the tooth extraction. I was beginning to feel worried for her the last couple of days when she complained about the body and gum aches.

I wanted to go to the gym but upon checking, found out that Energy One was closed on new Year. I surfed the net for a while. Skipped my dzuhur even though I took ablution. I was feeling a little depressed. Maybe lonely. Holidays have the habit of making me feel alone. My negative self talk came up when I thought about what I talked about during layover with Keith and Eric. Suddenly I felt a little inferior. Here I am at 33 and have no education to prove myself or success. I felt incompetent for talking too much (or was I?). It just reflected on my ignorance. I should keep quiet and listen more next time (my inner voice said). I found myself to be critical and that actually beats me up internally.

I thought about studying again. Should I take up my 'O's again? But I was thinking for what purpose? Just to prove to every one that I am intelligent? Or is it to find a job? Yes I like to study. But for the right reason. I am taking islamic course at Pergas now. That to me is an important step. I need to learn the right path of Islam. I am working now. I need to be learning about my job processes. I have the interest in real estate. I need to be learning about it more before buying a property. I am investing. I need to be learning about the strategies as well as continually learning about it. I enjoy cooking. I want to learn and expand my knowledge on my cooking skills. I love to body-build. I need to learn again about it so that I can continually improve myself.

Why do I continually feel like I am inferior of another person? Why do I beat myself up when I should be giving myself a break? I need to stop and learn to forgive myself. I am reading Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins and almost finish it. It is very inspiring and illuminating. Once I complete my first read, I will re-read again. This time I will start a learning journal on it to apply the principles on my life directly. I want to change and improve. I want to grow. I want to overcome my limitations.

I received a sms from Simon at 6 p.m. wishing me Happy New Year. I wanted to reply him but I decided not to. I do not want to instigate my nafs into the past. Yes, a part of me wanted to rekindle the relationship. But another part of me is pulling away from it. I kept thinking about homosexuality being a big sin ; that turning my back against Allah is tantamount to being a hypocrite, (nauzubillah min zalik). I have come this far. Do I really want to give up and give in for a human being in a unlawful relationship and give up Allah whom has created me and has promised me eternal abode? Is it worth it? Think!

I thought about my life and how I always running away from discomfort. Today I am at that juncture again. Do I want to get back into homosexuality to run away from the discomfort of loneliness and stagnant of life? Yes I have not met any woman that I can be attracted to and it is causing me to doubt my sense of masculinity but is that a valid reason to give to unlawful relationship? I realize that Allah is testing my sincerity and that I need to be patience but I must admit sometime being patience can be the toughest thing. To escape seems like an easy prospect. But I also got to think of the consequences.

Talking about running away, I thought about myself and how I always 'run away' from things. The question is "Why do I run away?". Is it because I am not responsible? Or that I don't know how to deal with discomfort? Or maybe that is the only way I do know. Looking back, I didn't; have a role model in dealing with difficult situations. When I was young growing up in a oppressive and violent family running away by being 'invisible' was my natural mode of responsive behavior. Doing nothing prevented me from getting hurt emotionally or literally. But it also robbed me of life skills which is clearly making me feel not confidence of myself.

I can think of many times where I have run away from myself, my family, doing my best to achieve great things, completing my studies. Running away becomes a pattern. Yet after running away for years, I am beginning to realize that it is not a solution. That there is a cast of shadow over that persisted; that I need to face up to myself and my past and stop running away from everything. I mean I think about my job and I know I joined the airlines not because I wanted to be flight attendant but because I want to get away from my abusive family. I worked for the wrong reason.

I get into gay relationship because one I was confused sexually and I didn't have the right male role models in my life. I also didn't have confidence to approach girls. Instead of confronting myself and lack of confidence, I allowed my fractured childhood marred by self doubts to continue and experiment with homosexuality. Hence I was not addressing the problem. I simply let it fester and grow. Of course the truth is more complicated than that.

Although running away from things (as soon it gets serious) became a habit, I must admit I am not an irresponsible person. I am self driven and self discipline. I hates injustice on others. I am independent and self reliant. I am dependable as far as carrying of responsibilities are concerned. I am a perfectionist. I am creative and immensely sensitive to the needs of others.

By knowing my objective why I am here in this world and my purpose I will stop running away from doing what is right. Yes, I will need to change the way how I view problems. I need to reframe my problems, adopt different ways of thinking about hem and to constantly change my approaches to best deal with situation of that moment. Running away or being 'invisible' is no longer an effective tool when facing discomfort. I have the resources or at least avenues which I can find out from and deal with matters in an informed manner effectively. Yes, I will make mistakes. But making mistake doesn't mean I am incompetent. It means I need to constantly adjust my actions to produce different results. Just like cooking. Only through practice will I get it right.

Stop running away from pain, loneliness, family and most importantly yourself. Stop comparing with others. Deal your life as your reality. Set your own goals based on what you want and what your inclinations are. You are enough. You don't need a degree or to become a millionaire or being surrounded by people to feel complete. All you really need is Allah. That is sufficed. In the meantime be patience and be kind to yourself.@

2008-12-09T21:02:00.011+08:00

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?" - Surah Al'Ankabuut, 29; 2.

Last night I stumble upon this verse after reciting Surah An'Ankabuut of the Quran. Was that just coincidence or Allah is 'speaking' to me? The last couple of days were bad. I was severely depressed and I kept going to the internet to surf and of course, ended up surfing gay porn. It is like I notice a pattern. When I am depressed, the internet is like a solace that I seek. Is it my sub conscious that has the tendency to 'escape' rather than facing a long day? The internet seems like a 'filler' to make me forget about the depression. It also gives an illusion of an activity. But I felt 'helpless' in a way that I ended going to see all the haraam sites which of course instigate my nafs. I feel lost of self control.

Of course I felt terrible (and angry at myself) about this whole episode. It's like a crutch that I never seems to be able to shake off. I was doing well avoiding surfing the internet without purpose for the last few months. I was able not to go to the computer the first thing I wake up or come back home. But at this moment of weakness, I gave in and slipped back into gay tendencies. Now I got to start all over again.

I am trying my best to follow what the Quran and Sunnah teaches me: avoid places or things that can instigate my gay tendencies, lower my gaze, do more good deeds and prayers, recite the Quran and fast. I know I can do better especially in fasting. The last time I fasted it was weeks ago. But the one thing that I still frequent to is the gym where hordes of gays still linger. Ok, in this case, I love to exercise. I have been working out since I am 17 and it is my blood. I know gays are everywhere and I can't escape them. But I just mind my own business. Some of them are my own colleagues. We talk. The point that I am trying to say is that while this is my reality (of being who I am), I just have to deal with it in the best manner possible. I can't be a recluse and avoid the world. There are things that are within my control and some aren't.

One of the things (within my control) that I am trying to manage and overcome, insya'allah is my own fear of what people's perception of me. These thought freezes me from doing things to explore my potential. There are many times in my life where I had the opportunity to try things which could have lead to self discovery and realization of my potential. But when the time of crunch came, I let it go and give up. I am scared that people will label me and treat me differently. I was afraid that people will humiliate me for being different.

My fear is that if people see me as gay, then what next? Do I have to prove them by living the lifestyle out? How should I explain to them : "That I know I have gay tendency but choose not to because its haraam and that I have the desire to get marry?" You see where I am going with this? Perhaps I am just making a big deal out of this molehill. Yeah so what if people think I am gay? Just shrug it off. Half the world now seems to be gay anyway. But the point is it is between me and Allah. I just continue to live my life as what Quran teaches me and avoid committing sins.

Which is why I am severely depressed. A big chunk of it is that I am not living life according to my potential; that I am selling myself short. I know I am someone that wants to do the best in whatever I do; be it whether at work, reciting the Quran, working out, helping others. But the unknown fear of humiliation has paralyses me. It has taken over me and suck all the enthusiasm and energy out. And I know that I got to find a solution to this.

I kept thinking about the verse when Allah said that He will not change a group of people until they change themselves. I got to take some sort of action. Find the knowledge to alleviate myself from this emotional and psychological doldrums. There must be a way out of this. I believe that there is. C'mon, I am not the first person who has to deal with homosexual tendencies. There are bigger problems out there in the world and yet there are solutions. Being patience is mandatory, yes, but so is taking action and doing something.

I received an invitation to attend a Toastmaster meeting in two days time. A part of me is inching me to go. After all I do have the innate ability to stand in front of crowds and talk. This would be a great opportunity to develop my self confidence and leadership skills. Another part of me squirmed and says" What if I don't fit in?", "Whom am I kidding? They are more intelligent than me. I only have a diploma. That also is not a real one". So what if they do? So what?! I am there for me; to change and seek self improvement. There are many things that I can learn from them. I got force myself to get out there to face people and overcome my inner barriers which my sub-conscious clearly is trying to prevent me by breaking down my spirit.@

a certain sacrifice

2008-12-07T21:53:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is Hari Raya Haji. I saw on the news earlier footage of the millions of pilgrims in Mecca walking to perform stoning of the Jam-rah. I wondered how it feels to be walking amongst them. I wonder how it feels to be walking together praying in full fervor. I know I would definitely feel humbling and overwhelmed. I know many will be crying as they perform their rites; recalling and regretting their many sins committed over their course of life.

To perform Haj is a offering of a sacrifice for Allah. To face adversity and trust in Allah despite everything that we owe or have. I heard in a lyric of song it is a gift to Allah. That life is a continuos struggle with many turns and upheavals but one has to remain patience despite everything that he/she goes through. That is a Jihad.

I thought about my life and I realize despite my internal conflicts that I am going through I would still consider myself to be fortunate. That I should be grateful for what I have rather than what I don't. Sure if I were to make of list of things that I wish I have I can write a long list. Then I read today about the plight of a man whom had an accident which resulted in both of his kidneys failed and his wife immobilized. Then I realize that there are many whom are inflicted with more trying circumstances. What I am going through pales in comparison.

Allah test those that He loves and truly those who are patience will be rewarded. What does that mean to me? It means to accept and face what I am going through - my depression, test of homosexuality, isolation, low self esteem and confidence without complaining or sulky face. It mean to face the world everyday with my best smile, best foot forward and live my life despite whatever shortcomings that I may have. It means to continue to seek help within Islamic context and continue to improve myself in areas where I have natural inclinations towards. It means to act on and fight instead of retreat like a whipped cat and cowed in the shadows hoping fear will just go away.

What am I afraid of anyway? Really? I am afraid of slipping back into homosexuality again after leaving it 5 years ago. I am afraid people will laugh and humiliate me knowing that I have gay tendencies. I am afraid of being labeled. That people will treat me differently because I am not a typical man who rough and scoff. But why should I be afraid of them? If people scorned and mocked Allah and Rasullulah, then what more of the likes of you and I? People will always behave the way they behave and that is not my problem. I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for how I chose to 'talked' to myself in choosing my response.

I can continue run away and hide from people. But I can't run away from myself. Running away means not to face up on the possibilities of reaching my potential and the prospect of growing. I got to learn to accept myself as who I am. And if people do not accept me, that is my test from Allah - to accept it and move on. But more importantly I do not pay attention to the negative. I need to learn to pay attention on the positive; what I can do, what I am good at, what good comments I received, that I am a good person and lovable person and worth taking care of. Far too long my mind has dwelled on negatives. It has shroud the lenses on how I view my life.

Yes I do like to meet someone that I like and have a family with. I like to experience the marital bliss in legal way. But until then, it will be some time before I am shown the right Muslimah. For now, I am have to take the steps to accept myself and learn to reconnect with myself and others. I got to take the baby steps to step outside my fear and pain. I got to make efforts to be away from my previous lifestyle and thoughts. I know that I may slipped especially when I am depressed or tired but I still have to be steadfast and continue on this process of change. This is what Allah has given to test me. This is my jihad - to overcome my nafs and lead the right life and to overcome my low self esteem. I got to dig my heels real deep and breath steadily and hold my head high and keep walking no matter what happen@

more on my depression

2008-12-01T09:23:00.002+08:00

I am feeling very depressed. I have had the blues for as long as I can remember and frankly it is getting tired. I don't know how exactly to describe this state except that I am in a state of perpetual sadness. I don't feel joy in conversations. I don't seem to have any interest in what people are sayings. I am merely hearing them but nothing gets register in my brain. Everyday is just another day. I don't have many friends. I find great difficulty connecting with people. Although I can communicate with colleagues but I hardly know anybody. I hate myself for how I look, I sound, I behave. I know that I shouldn't be feeling like this at all. That I should learn to like myself but the fact is that I don't. I feel that I am not living my purpose. I am merely floating through my life.

It is not that I can't function as person. At work, I can solve problems. But it is just that - work. I know that I can do more than what I am. I am a passionate person and solution oriented. I enjoy helping others but it seems I never take care of me first. I don't feel worthy to be taken care of. I don't know how it is to feel with high self esteem. I am mean i recognize that in others and I admire them for having it but I can never go around to acquire it for myself.

Internally I feel conflicted. Though my heart is at peace, emotionally and psychologically I am not developing. I want to grow. But how do I do that? For a solution oriented guy, I am at loss at what to do. I need professional help to sort me out. I can feel that I am mess inside. Not that I will explode or something but this state of inertia is just like a long winding road. It don't appears to end.

There are many things that I am suppressing. My loneliness, my childhood pain, my sexuality. I know that Allah is testing me and that I need to be patience. I know that life on earth is a test. But clearly just being patience is not enough. I need to solve my 'internal' problems. I need to make an effort to grow out of this. I like to think that I am not the first nor the last person to deal with personal internal conflict. Hence there must be a solution that I can work towards.

I know part of problems lies my lack of self acceptance of myself. How do i learn to accept myself when sometimes i don't behave like other typical guys? That I don't like football or talk about girls demeaningly. I accept that I do have same sex attraction which I am not exercising. I am holding back this attraction from materializing. Does my depression occurs mostly because I am not honoring this essential part of me which basically says - be honest to myself? While I can be honest with myself and be gay, I know for a fact that practicing homosexuality is wrong. I will not go against Allah simply because I am sexually inclined to man. But there is a part of me that is attracted to woman. But the woman that I am attracted are Muslimahs who embody the Islamic ideals of true feminity.

I am at loss at what I need to do. My self confidence is clearly running away from me. I need help.

end of november 08

2008-11-30T11:48:00.005+08:00

I just finished my Fiqh exam for term 1 semester 1. The year has went by quickly and it is almost the end. Today I will be flying to Jeddah later on. First I will pax up as a passenger to Male. Then I will work just one sector to Jeddah. After which I will bring back the aircraft to Singapore. At least I get to sleep on board later. I wish that I have a nigh tstop at Jeddah. At least there is a chance that I can go for umrah.

I have not been writing on this blog for months. I didn't because there is no compelling reason for me to write anything. To pen down my blues page after page is just not worthwhile the effort; although i think the fact of pouring out my thoughts on 'paper' - get it off my chest- is healthy and do my mind some good. Get it out.

Berita Minggu wrote an article about male depression which is common form of illness. It describe depression or kemurungan as a state of perpetual sadness. That is a state that I am in. I am battling with depression and low self worth. That is one deadly combo. When I am low and feel defeated, I have the tendency to slip into homosexual tendency. In turn that create a cycle of despondency. To break it I recognize moments where I am weak. These moments include when I don't have enough rest, jet lag, isolated and not doing things which I enjoy.

The fact is that I am depress because I feel isolated, unloved, not doing or working using my god given talents or inclination. While I recognize why I am depressed, I don't know what I can do to change my life so that I can be with people or use my talents. I want to be around supportive people without marrying and to exercise my social skills. I want explore my talents of public speaking, cooking, writing. I have thoughts of opening up my own small business. Perhaps I should explore that. I also like to explore and develop my interest in Al-Quran recitation and understanding of the tajweed. I want to get to know Muslimah and seek to find the right partner. I also want to develop myself as an investor. I have plans to buy and invest in properties in a few years time. Generally I want to develop myself and my potential.

Right I am in a state of inertia. But this year has seen me taking some progress towards self development particularly in re-learning Islam, allahamdullilah. I know it has been slow but it is teaching me to be patience. Change don't happen in a day or two. Learning is a life long process. Relax. Learn to be in the present moment. This moment is important. As I am typing...

Here is a list of what I like :
1. Cooking
2. Reciting and learning the Quran
3. Helping people
4. Public speaking
5. Learning
6. Helping others
7. Organizing things
8. Manage my own business

Here are things I can do break the cycle of depression:
1. Eat healthily
2. Exercise
3. Stay away from internet unless there is a purpose
4.Take herbal supplement like St John Worts when mood is low
5. Continuous recite or listen to Quran
6. Have a fix daily learning schedule
7. Do something: clean the house, cook, do laundry.
8. Go for a walk around the block or park.
9. Call a friend and talk.
10. Set goals in learning, work, exercising, investing. Monitor and track progress.

Here is a list of things I can do to explore my potential:
1. Cook something new each week.
2. Constantly challenge yourself in routine workouts.
3. Join a toast master club and practice public speaking.
4. Learn about real estate.
5. Learn something new each day in area that I like such as investing.
6. Set a different goal each week. Eg: To master chap 1 of work practice by this week. Honour that. Do it everyday and track down progress.
7. Look for opportunities to attend seminar to learn and listen.
8. Learn about small business.
9. Read about islam biographies and self help books.
10. Write a list of what to do daily.
11. Set daily/weekly/monthly/yearly goals
12. Treat yourself like a business. How would you like to position yourself?
13. Be patience. When you are down, accept it. Be forgiving of yourself. Ask Allah for help, always.
14. Keep a scrap book of ideas and knowledge on business, food tips or recipes, islamic issues, current issues, work issues or anything that inspires you. This is your storehouse of ideas. Start this scrap book today.
15. When overseas, bring a camera. Take picture of things or people or business that inspires you.
16. Write everyday. I know sometimes its hard to sit in front of the table and write freely but its the process of letting yourself go and acceptance which is more important. Besides. the writing practice will continue to hone your writing muscles. It is a skill which you will need for the rest of your life.

Above all, remember that Allah loves you. He knows that you can overcome His test. He create you for a reason. He gives you all the inclinations for a reason and He wants you to suceed. Ask for His help, always. When you have Allah, Al Quran and As-Sunnah you have EVERYTHING.@

all this time away...

2008-11-11T20:46:00.004+08:00

I haven't pen anything down here for a few months. Not that I don't have anything to say but I am not compel to sit down and think what I really want to say. Do I want to talk about my work experience? Job interview (which I am still waiting for the result) or my cooking adventures? Or perhaps the fact that my social life is nil and that I have been sitting at home reading instead of going out and talk to people. Yes, I have been flying. My flights have been pack back to back. I can hardly breathe let alone be totally rested. But I am thankful. Despite the tiredness, I am blessed with a good health among many other things. So I can't complain.

I am feeling a little tired. I think this compounded fatigue finally catches up with me today. I took a cab to the gym only to take another cab back home. I decided that no way I am going to go through a mediocre workout. Although maintaining a routine is important, getting my body totally rested is a priority. I am tired. I need rest. That's that. I came back. After lunch, I slept for 3 hours. I didn't feel as tired as i did. The thing about fatigue is that it is like a bank account. The more I withdraw, the lesser it gets and the more deposits (sleep) I need to to compensate that difference. No amount of Berocca or Vitamins will replace that energy. And working out requires enormous amount of energy. Where on earth will I get it when i don't have it?

I don;t know about other people, but I have the bad habit of thinking that I can get away with little rest. To get at least 8 hours of sleep for me is a challenge. I usually wake up at the 5 or 6 hour of the sleep. And I feel tired. I wish that I have air conditioned room like in the hotels where my long night sleep is assured. But sleeping with just a fan in a humid night is my reality that I have to live with. I just have to do my best.

When my body don't have enough rest, everything is compromise; my mind, my work and even my workout. I cannot put high quality effort every time. I just got to make do with what I have. That's where I make mistakes or feel burnt out. So today I decided to do just that: rest for me. I am usually sucked into the routine of waking up, fix breakfast, study, go to the gym, do some housework, go mengaji, come back and do my recitations and then sleep. Today I had enough.

So, how do I feel now? I need more sleep after Isya. I hope I feel a lot better tomorrow when I wakes up, insya'allah!

A Great Relief

2008-10-08T12:05:00.004+08:00

I FINALLY WENT FOR MY LS INTERVIEW. After 11 long years, my points finally made through the cut off points. But it has been nerve wrecking just thinking about it. I know my strong suit has not been product knowledge. I did went through the job black and white a few times. But to remember them in every detail is clearly beyond me now. What more the sheer amount of job updates are insane. To deal with them, I need to be able to construct a consistent system where I can put aside one or two days a week to check my emails and updates.

What really worried me was my demerit points which will definitely surface

Out of action-momentarily

2008-07-10T08:34:00.002+08:00

It has been 2 months since my last entry here. I just don't know what to say. And I have been lazy doing my writing. Ever since Datuk's passing, my family has started the process of acquiring the wealth that he left behind. Of course it was not without squabbling. There were many disagreements among some of my uncles and aunties on this matter. I stayed out of this. But I listen to what is been going on from Makcik Ramah. So far the disagreement has not escalated into serious contentions. But it is sad to see that my family is not united on this. Anyway it is Datuk's fault for leaving behind this mess.

Anyway, I started my second term of Pergas. I am learning Fiqeh, Tajwid and Sirah Nabi Muhammad. I absolutely love what I am learning right now. I bought Ron Fry 'How To Learn' program from Audible and has been picking up useful tips on how to learn. I am trying to apply them to my course. So far it is working.

I put on braces again, after a decade of not completing them. After a contemplating, I decided to have them again. I really don't have the confident with my smile. Initially I just wanted to have my teeth whiten. But after seeing the dentist, I decided to an extreme makeover. I was worried because I can't put on a normal braces. Instead, I opted for a ceramic clear braces. It is not so obvious. I paid a $1000 more for it. On the 30 June, I have it on. It was uncomfortable no doubt. I couldn't consume any solid food. Then within the first week, I started having ulcers dues to the wire abrading against my mouth. In order to reduce pain, I inserted wax to the end of the wires. My whole entire trip to Amsterdam was spent in my hotel room, resting. I didn't have the mood to go out even for a workout. I was in pain.

Anyway the pain has subside. I am slowly getting used to having braces. I will be having it for at least 15 months. After which I will insert a retainer for a year. Only then will I whiten my teeth. Insya'allah I hope everything goes smoothly @

A Time To Heal

2008-05-13T13:58:00.008+08:00

Datok Ahmat Hitam passed away two days ago on Sunday at about 11 am. His final words was to nenek "Maafkan aku. Aku memang banyak buat salah dengan kau." ("Please forgive me. I've done many wrongs to you") I wonder what nenek must have feel if she can still feel at all. What cowardice! He was afraid of losing his face that he saved the last breath to finally admit his mistakes to his wife after some 80 years of marriage. I would have been outraged.

With his passing, the era in my family who had suffered under datok's torment and selfishness ends. This is a family that was build on necessity than love. Fear, greed and pain was familiar emotions. These tradition was created by my Datok whom ruled his family with iron claws. He was cruel to his family; beating them and putting them down. The only person that he truly cares about is himself. Period. That is as much as I can say about him. He never show care or compassion for his children. He was more and most concern in saving money and building his wealth.

I don't know whether he ever had any regrets about the choices that he made. But through the end he was deeply saddened by the fact that he was losing his money. He cried in his sleep at night, according to a nurse. If these money that he has saved and scrimped on all these years should made him happy, it hasn't. At the end of his life, he died a lonely and bitter man.

The legacy that he leaves behind are many wounded hearts and painful memories that probably will never be reconciled or healed. Those years of emotional neglect, physical and psychological abuse will forever be in the minds of his now middle aged children whom never had the opportunity to experience the love of a father. They in turn will most likely brings these scars with them into their graves eventually.

The effects of datok's poor leadership will extend beyond his children's minds and psyches. My family relationship is now estranged. Although we are a big family (9 uncles and aunts in all), we hardly know each other. Everyone is afraid to open up and show vulnerability. Our conversations are superficial at best. Nothing too personal. I am frustrated at this, sometimes i wish that my family is more caring and concern towards one another. But I also understand that given that my uncles and aunts had a very difficult and cruel father and emotionally cold mother, they just don't know how.

I think they suffered enough. If any of them (my uncles and aunts) like to move on the very first step they should do is to acknowledge what they are feelings and to forgive what had happened to the past. Let it go. Forget about it. Then can they start anew. But I doubt they will be willing to do this. Having live with the pain, anger and guilt for decades, it will be very strange to give up these negative feelings. It is like a black hole. Suddenly you feel empty and wonder what am I supposed to do with this emptiness? What am I supposed to do with myself? It feels much secured feeling like a victim. So that you can have someone to blame all your faults for. But if you let them go, you got to find a replacement. How would you know what it feels to love, care and share when your own parents never taught you how. It would feel like a child trying to walk for the first time - awkward.

But even though Datok has caused many damage, all is not lost. There is still a ray of hope that lingers. The only way I can think of to break this emotional shackles is to introduce a new course of action based on true teachings of Islam. For years, I thought that my family practice what Islam is all about. Yet now, as I am re-learning about Islam again, I realized that I have been deceived. Everything that my family do is at odds with what Islam is. True, we pray. We fasted. We give alms. But we talked with our nafsu. When we are angry, we cursed at others. We condemned others as if we are more morally superior. We backbite each other. We harbor jealousy towards each other. We pick and choose whom we want to help. We put each other down.

Islam is not just about prostrating and pray. It is not just about giving alms. It is not just about fasting, These are just outward manifestation of worship. Islam is about compassion. It is being kind to each other. To help each other. To show forgiveness. To say positive and kind words to those that are down. To be patience. To follow the footsteps of Rasullulah. Yet, never had I seen my family do this. Ayah can even rebuked me when I said to him to be more careful with his words. He replied "Aku bukan Rasullulah! Habis kalau Rasullulah naik unta, aku pon nak naik unta?" He mocked me.

(To Be continue)

Killing Me Softly

2008-03-22T09:04:00.004+08:00

When paying the bills take the front seat of everything, the work that you do becomes a means to serve the end. There is no joy. There is no happiness. Just drudgery of having to fulfilled your contracted obligation. Of course one can learn to enjoy their work and they should. But when when work start to take the joy out of someone it can only means two things: either you are burn out or it is time to move on. Both presents different dilemmas. While burning out presents a solution of taking time off and getting out of the grind, moving on to something else presents both opportunity to evaluate yourself or your job. Either way, it means taking a break.

After working for almost 15 years continuously, I am at a point of my life right now where I am exhausted. And I am beginning to question myself whether is this what I want to do for the rest of my life. If this my call, then how come I don't enjoy what I am doing. Is it a sign that I need to quit. But if I were to do so, what would do with my life?

I can't remember when was the last time I felt joy in my heart. When time stood still and I felt that I was in my element. My senses were all alive and I felt like I could do almost anything. Today, I am a shadow of that self, living day to day; trying to make a living without a concrete purpose. I stop being a human being. Yet, as much as I am detesting the conditions that I am in, I don't want to do next. It is exasperating.

I want to use my skills and talents. I want to do something that benefits other people. I want to connect with people. I want to exercise creativity and present solutions. I want to be a part of something. It is not that I am being ungrateful. But I feel that I can do more than what I am doing. That I can fulfill a purpose rather than simply filling up spaces. That I am special and got something to offer.

Getting away from work for a while would be a good start to reclaim my inner equilibrium. I need to make duas to be shown the way and find my way out of this hamster wheel.

A Family Like No Other

2008-03-19T21:30:00.004+08:00

There are 'down' days and there 'up' days for me. As I reported, Feb was a bad month for me, emotionally speaking. Allahamdullilah, I managed to regroup my strength and resources and pick myself up. I realize that the reasons that I have been experiencing such depression and feelings of inertia is because I lacked family love and relationship. There is no communication between me and my family members. Except for mak, the rest of my family just do not communicate with each other. This also goes the same for my extended family like most of my aunts and uncles. Everyone has their own family and none call each other or make a point to meet up and catch up. I feel like an island, living on my own.

It is sad to think about the state of my family. If I were to point the finger, I know exactly who to be blame. But what is the point of finger pointing and blaming. Especially when it is of a character defect and conditioning. It will just infuriate me and increase animosity among us. On top of that it will make me feel more helpless and hopeless.

No one wants to take the initiative or responsibility to mend the already loose ties. It will take considerable work and effort to bind us together and start behaving like a family again. Then there is always of frail egos, busy schedules and estranged characters. It has been years we last assemble as a group. Yes, I got to use assemble to show how formal we are as a family.

Sometimes, I wish we can relax a little bit and laugh at ourselves. Yes, act a little silly. Poke fun at each other. Why be so serious. But no. In this family poking fun at other's expense is tantamount to a slander. Acting silly is not only permissible, it is frown on. We must act serious. Talk serious. Be serious.

It is simply ridiculous when I think how big we are as a group. 3 generations, 9 uncle and aunties, some 30 cousins between us and a handful of grand-grandchildren. Yet, I don't even know more than half of my cousin's, much less knowing their names. It was always like "Cik Bais punya anak tu" ("the youngest son of Bais") when I received some news about my cousins. Incidentally my uncle Bais has a dozen children; a brood perfect for a football team. How he live with that much noise and daily clamoring? I have no idea. But the point is, that is how distant we have became till not knowing the names. It is sad.

Islam place such high importance on strong family relationships. Now after living on my own for a decade and suffering in silence, I can understand why. When you are on your own, it is too easy to be swept by the difficulties of life and be tempted to do wrong things. After all nobody care about me. People outside shows more concern and attention than my family. That was how I felt when I got involved in gay lifestyle. It was an escape.

Now I know how kids from estranged parents and broken family feel like. They get into bad company who offer them respite from the emotional upheaval and in time they themselves get into trouble. It would be too easy to blame these kids for being bad fruits. But if we take a look at the bigger context of their lives, we will soon learn their circumstances and understand how they come into being.

The solution to this whole mess comes down to taking personal ownership and building a loving Islamic family relationship. Only through this, can family produce well adjusted kids that will be able to adjust nicely into the bigger world, emotionally and psychologically healthy. I know that one of the reason that I have gay inclination was due to lack of positive paternal role models. What I am right now is indirectly a product of bad childhood. But the different is, today, I am aware that being gay or leading a homosexual life is not the solution; or even an option I have brain and made to take a choice. I am making the choice based on what I know now about life as what Allah commanded and not as to just follow my desires.

It is said that there is always a solution to any problem except death. The solution for me is to reconcile myself with Islam wholeheartedly and to find the right partner to start my life with. I like to see myself as having a family with a wife that is like minded with me in regards to our vision of life and starting a family culture that is based on Islam. I like to see us fostering better relations with our family members; visiting them often and invite them to our homes for meals and such.

There is no quick fix to a problem such as mine which has existed for more than 70 years. But I would think, that my awareness about my situation and 'problems' will helped me to introduce a new culture which hope to bind us and make us stronger together in face with an ever isolationist future.

3 Weeks of Emotional Hell

2008-03-11T21:48:00.011+08:00

I have been suffering from a bad depression for the last three weeks. I felt no sense of joy, what so ever in everything that I did. That can't be right isn't it? I dread doing menial, everyday stuffs like getting out of bed, washing up, cooking and cleaning or even eating. Each simple activity required sheer enormous will power out of me. It is like I am zombie; neither dead nor alive. Just awake and miserable for existing.

It all started after my body crash after a prolonged fatigue. As I recovered my strength, my emotions took a dive when I became overwhelmed by my own life. It was like I could never have enough time to do anything. My off days are limited and it seems like I never recover totally from each flight. On top of that, there is always something to do. I can never sit still to do nothing even for a day. I got to spent time with mak. I got to do the laundry. I got to settle the bills. I got to cook and do the grocery shopping. I got to prepare for flights all the time. I got to iron the clothes. I felt like a god damn Filipino maid! Except that I am working for me!

Now I know how it feels to be either a housewife or a maid. It is so tiring. The work never seems to end. I don't even feel appreciated. I got so fed up with life. Period. I got so fed with myself. For being who I am. For not being able to get on top of my own personal problems and issues. I hated my job because it is not what I really wanted to do. I hated the bloody jet lag and constant unfamiliar faces whom I have to be friendly with. I hated living out of suitcases in strange hotel rooms.

I wish I have something to look forward to. Like a meaningful job that use my talent for writing. Like going back to a love one that can I share my life with. Like going back to a house that is truly mine. Everyday I put up a fake smile, fake conversation with usually fake people and pretend all is well and good. But how long can I go one with charade?

I hated the fact that I am working to pay the bills. That I am not trained in other skills made me feel trapped. That actually exacerbated my feelings. I turned inward when I am under great duress. On top of that I am I am struggling with my sexuality and self esteem issues. They kept resurfacing especially when I am depressed. It is like I am fighting the tofu. I can't never win.

All this time, the future just looks bleak. I can never see a possibility of coming out of this dark cave. I told Salmy one night that 'when I am depress, I can't see the light'. It is like I am doomed to be like this forever; a state of emotional and mental inertia. I have never felt so low my entire life. On my last flight I met Abs. We had a long chat over lunch and coffee at Zurich airport mall where we talked about gay issues and struggles. I was philosophical and peppered my speeches with Quranic texts. But in reality, the struggle that I am going through is tough; especially when I got to deal with this alone.

I realize that I am probably over magnifying my depressive state. Or perhaps when I am depressed everything look so scary and insurmountable. I am sure, insya'allah that there is a solution to every problems and I believe that Allah will help me if I help myself. I am a self started by nature. I am solution oriented and I am resourceful. But I feel like my will power has been taken away from me. I am not able to envision a goal or work towards a feasible solution to solve this problem.

When I was younger, I was full of enthusiasm and energy to conjure up projects. But today I feel like I have slowly been sucked out of my life. I became this reclusive person; self conscious and wallowed in self pity. I am not able to exercise my creativity or my enthusiasm because I am concern of peoples perception of me or disapproval. I hate that. I want to live like I use to live - enthusiastically.

I want to write commercially and get in touch to learning everyday. But my self confidence falters. My sexuality issues also bogged me down. It is not a question of me being gay that bothers me but rather it's people perception of me as being gay that makes me question my own sexuality. I behave according to what people think. I know this is simply ridiculous and tiring.

The issue of gay has reside in me for as along as I have live. Frankly I am tired of all these innuendoes and assumptions. By nature I get pretty excitable when I talk; especially on subjects that I am passionate about. I have reflected and analyze on my sexuality and I accept why I came to be the way I am. But I want to move on. Being gay or practice gay lifestyle is not what I want. I have experience what it is like and I know that is not my life.

Moreover, as I re-learn Islam and understand it, I am trying to take steps to learn my religion. The more I am trying to learn and change my life, the more obstacles and challenges are thrown at me. These challenges do weaken me from time to time. But I always pray to Allah not to make me slip back into heedlessness. This is especially so when I get depress gay thoughts came back flooding back into my consciousness.

I don't know what Allah has in store for me for giving me a hard childhood, a continuous conflicting inner self and disintegrated family relationships. At times, I wish that I have a normal life and family where people actually care and need one another. I am so ashamed that we call ourselves Muslim but yet we don't practice like true Muslims do. We hid behind so many fears and facade that continue to build walls between each other. Yes, at times I am resentful of this fact.

Yet, each time, I read the Quran I am being reminded of what Islam truly is; a community that cares and support each other. Sometimes in my sadness, I think of this big tree that I saw across the mosque that I prayed at months ago. It is firmly planted and now has grown so big that it can provide shades for hundreds of people underneath it. I see myself as the seeds; trying to bring new culture in my life and hopefully if I get my marry one day will start this Islamic culture with my wife. Slowly it will spread and expand into others and maybe one day, maybe not in my life, will bore a network of relationships that truly exemplifies what the Prophet teaches.

When I touched down Singapore yesterday, I had breakfast with Abs and another colleague name Raj. Raj has been out for years and is 'married' to his partner. A short conversation later, another colleague name Alias joined us. He is also gay. Hence, I was being corner to confess openly. But I kept quiet. Instead I choose to be a listener the whole time while trying to finish my breakfast ASAP and leave. Their conversation revolves around nothing but gossiping, sex and partying. I started to get uncomfortable. After slurping my mee rebus gravy, I excuse myself and left.

As I reflect, I started to reflect on Quranic verses that I read about Prophet Lot, people that indulge in their desires and the munafiqoon. I also thought of verses that commanded us to be patient and steadfast, that Allah never test his servants more than he can bear and that He commanded us to turned away from ignorants. These verses make me asked myself whether do I want to follow these peoples advice (my openly gay colleagues) to accept myself as what they think I am or to follow Prophet Muhammad's guidance? (whom provides me advice to the right path from Allah). Allah gives me the brain to think and compare. It is all up to me.

Starting Over

2008-02-22T21:38:00.002+08:00

As I reported yesterday, after a fortnight of rest, my strength has finally returned again. Today I started my exercise routine again. I wanted to do a Total Body workout but in the end I maintain my normal routine. But this time, I take it it easy on the weights. I met with Tan Boh Heng at the gym and shared with him about my fatigue. He said that it is normal to experience such occasional bouts. In fact it is normal for bodybuilder to have that. The only thing to do is to take a complete break from the gym and rest.

I went back home to Yishun earlier to visit mak. She was a little depressed over staying home for a while now. I tried to cheer her up by talking about my plans to set up a nasi padang stall. She was not excited about it. Rather, she seems subdued on the idea emphasizing that it is hard work. Nonetheless, we had snippets of conversation to pass the time by.

I am thinking about this setting up of nasi padang stall and it did dawn on me as to whether am I really serious to take up this responsibility and why. My life is already filled with many things and is it a good idea to get busy with another project? Even if I like to have a side line am I ready to actually sit down and think things through? I may be able to cough the capital but do I have the right skills?

Skills like managing people skills, organization skill, cooking skills, service skills, planning the cost to run and managing money. Finding the right stall is in itself a skill in its own right. Do I have what it takes to stick my head through and be there and handle everything? Finding good halal food is increasingly hard to get. I like to share this with others; by providing affordable halal food to public. My intention is good but is this what I really want to do? I got to consult with Allah on this. I will not jump on it just because I am feeling tired of my day job. My business, if I ever do venture, would and should be an extension of my interest and an avenue to serve Allah and people. I do not want to do for profit sake.

Perhaps, before venturing on a full scale, I should start on try out basis. Keep a look out for small fairs which I can practice like at along Masjid Kassim during Ramadhan period. Book for a month. If I can find even shorter fair, try that one first. The idea is to have a taste of entrepreneurship. Start small. Build on confidence first before jumping onto a real deal.

Anyway, this morning I woke feeling frustrated over what seems like a lack of time to do everything. I wish that I have like 100 hours a day. 24 hours just feel too short! On top of that I have to rest eat, exercise, work. I still have have to manage my cleaning, laundry, pay the bills, cooking and studying! Then there is the need to spend time with mak, go mengaji, go Pergas. I wish that I can work on a system where I can spend time more productively. Wait a minute, not wish but I want to work on a system where I can be on top of things and not feel overwhelm by it all. There must be a way! I must find a solution to this madness!@

Strength Returning To Normal Level

2008-02-21T08:19:00.003+08:00

After two weeks of rest, finally I am feeling that my energy level is getting back to normal level. I must say that having slept quite a bit, my strength is returning and I am ready to hit the gym again. I am not sure whether I still want to go ahead with periodization cycles. I was thinking to stop it in favor of total body workout. But one thing for sure is that I will not place too much stress on my body in a stretch. I have to make some adjustment to include frequent cardio and stretching routine into my workouts.

Also, I need to take vitamins and supplements. I thought about my diet and I realize that it is lacking vegetables quotient. It is something that I have to take note of. I am eating way to much protein and carbo. In addition, I need to rest more than 8 hours a day especially on the days I exercise. I just have to prioritize my activity right. I must take the steps to take small but important breaks. This is especially important for my mental well being.

I do face difficulty to 'silence' my inner critique sometime. My mind is cluttered with negative and emotionally destructive thoughts which just make me feel terrible about myself and life in general. I must learn to get on top of this critique and cluttered thoughts. The one way I know how is to do frequent breathing meditations. Doing daily writing practice also helps to dispose the cluttered thoughts. I have built quite a reserves over 30 years. It will take a heck of writing practice to eliminate those waste. Coming from a bad childhood, it is especially tougher for me but I just have to make small consistent efforts to overcome my own lack of security and confidence.

I am going to sleep to rest. When I wake up, I hope that I will feel better to do things, insya'allah!@

Burning Out

2008-02-12T23:03:00.000+08:00

I possess the qualities of a typical workhorse; filled my days with many things without taking the time to take a break. In many ways I am kind of vulnerable to burning out. That is not the worst part. The worst part is not realizing that I am pushing myself to the brink of limits. I had a really bad day yesterday and the day before. I felt horrible. I don't know how to describe except that I was physically and mentally drained. My mind was going through some dejecting thoughts; thoughts which I can only described as running myself down with a train. I felt in no mood to do whatsoever except to lie down on the bed. I tried to life myself up to go to the gym or clean my messy room but I couldn't lift a finger. In my mind flashed: "What is the point?"

I know that it is not how I feel most of the time but I am particularly susceptible to working tirelessly and not taking a breather to release stress. My cortisol level must be high in my system. That is why I feel very tensed. On top of that I maintain a regimented 3 days in a week weight lifting routine which stressed my body further. Top that with irregular rest time and flying regularly and not taking enough vitamins, it's a combo waiting to just explode. Then there is my weekly PERGAS class, arabic class and regular Quran recitations.

As I was trying to figure out what was happening to me, I surfed the net for some answers. Why am I feeling the way I did? Am I heading for some relapse (god forbids!) or breakdown? I felt isolated and anti social thoughts kept springing in my head. It was awful. I hate myself for not being right or enough a person to function.I felt so incompetence, angry, lonely that I wish I can just snap my finger and just change everything! EVERYTHING

When I hit this bottom, my sub conscious get the better of me. I started to escape into the 'past' on the web to escape addressing this pain. I know I shouldn't and that will not help the situation but I did that. It is like I felt powerless to my nafsu and drift into sins. For during these moments, my weakness get the better of my better judgement and I felt like sliding backwards into the abyss.

I hate myself for being like this. I wish I can get a hold of myself at times when I am mentally and physically weak. I hate to be alone at times like this. I get depressed and I felt totally helpless.

Then I found some insights. After reading the web on burnt out symptoms, I begin to understand that I am suffering from burnt out. I display almost all the symptoms - helplessness, depressed, wanting to just lie on bed all day, alleviate of any interest in activities among others. There are many ways to address this situation. Take frequent shorter breaks, do nothing (yes something which I have difficulty doing!), meditate, take up yoga, go for holiday or exercise.

So, here is the thing. I got to take a conscious effort of inserting a day in a week of not doing anything. I got to make that a PRIORITY. For the sake of my mental health. If that DO NOTHING DAY happen on a day when I am oversea, better still. Go for walks in the park. The point is, have a schedule breaks. As I grow older and having a weaker system, I need to learn to be assertive to myself and say no to endless activities. I cannot be doing things all the time. Watch a movie. Sit and watch the sun rise. Go to the park in the morning and take a walk in Botanical gardens or MacRitchie. It is just as important as all other things.

DO NOT DELAY THIS. @

Choosing To Be Happy

2008-02-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

There are many reasons not to be happy. After all, humans are known for not being contented with what they have. Rather, its what we don't have that we always thinking about. Today, as in right now, I am making the decision to stay happy and cheerful despite the fact that I have many shortcomings. I woke up earlier in the evening feeling sorry for myself and frustrated at being alone. I started to find fault with myself; that I am incompetent as a person, a fake, unattractive etc.

I am not happy because I feel that I am not good enough. I start to find fault with my features, my characters, my lack of academic achievement, The list never ends. My mind has a natural bent towards negativity. It can be very tiring. I am sick of finding my own fault, like i am defective product. I jumped out of bed and after my magrib prayers, I went to Tampines Mall to have dinner.

Mentally, I kept telling myself I am ok. I fine. There is nothing wrong with me. Allah creates everybody different. I can make friends. This is my challenge. I got to learn to rise above it. I am not learning to see who is better but to be closer to Allah. I like my big teeth. I like my flat nose. I have a nicer smile. No one is going to like me. That is my job.

But no matter how exhausted I get, I like to believe that at the end of the day, it is my responsibility to be control of my own thoughts. Yes, cluttered thoughts do come and go. They come from the subconscious part of the head; the one that is ladened with frustrations, ego, unfulfilled desires, latent anger, insecurities and growing up baggage's. But I think increasingly in the light of my mental well being, it is also my responsibility to be selective in which thought I hold attention to. After all as Frank McCourt suggested, "You don't have to react to every stimulus".

I do have the tendency to do that. To absorb every nuances of thoughts and messages. I need to re-train myself not to be affected by every little thing that happen to me. Stop comparing, analyzing. Just work on your goals. Chart your progress and see yourself grow in your own way. When ever you meet people that are far more ambitious, better looking, more intelligence accept them. Do not put yourself on them line to compete, at all.

If Allah wants He can make everyone the same. The fact that I have my own ways of absorbing information, interests, strengths and inclinations shows that Allah is indeed Powerful. He made everyone unique. So embrace your own uniqueness. Accept yourself. Don't shy away from who you are and your strengths or weakness. That is a position to grow from. @

Some quotes to ponder on:

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy." - Cynthia Nelms

"The essentials to happiness are something to love, something to do, and something to hope for." - William Blake

"Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." - Franklin D.

"Growth itself contains the germ of happiness." - Pearl S. Buck

"Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice." - Unnamed author

A380 Debut

2008-01-30T13:30:00.000+08:00

I will be doing my first A380 flight later to Sydney. I am a little nervous but that is expected with doing anything new. There is no escaping it anyway. Sooner or later I still have to face this music. So might as well face it now and get over and done over with. I expect this flight to be one where I will be opening a lot of compartments; fumbling where I have placed things. I will also learn new things especially on how to use the equipments. Basically a lot of learning to be done. Should be fun.

The first thing when I get on board is to check all my floating and safety equipments. Then I will open up all my compartment to see where are the things kept. I will prepare my ground preparations and then I will do my ground check. After which I will report my meals breakdown and give to my LS. I hope that I will be working in EYCL today and tommorow. Although this is a new aircraft, the basic premise for running the service are the same. The organization are similar too. So whatever I do, relax.

During lull period I will start to do my checks focusing on EYCL zone first and then JCL and then finally Suite. What I want to focus is to know where the equipments are, the functions and how to do basic reboot is the system fail. Among the things I need to cover are the toilets, passenger seats and its functions, the monitor, the inter phone, the lifts and the smoke curtain. In the JCL. I need to know where the items are kept; particularly all the crockery and glasses and entries. Once I know where they are kept, it will be easier to organize and plan my service. Try to consolidate things together. Label the doors if I need to expedite recognition.

Take this first flight as an adventure. It is an opportunity to learn something new. It is a challenge. I will see what happen and then write my experience down after the flight.

Bon Voyage!

This Afternoon

2008-01-28T13:09:00.000+08:00

I am sitting at my desk wondering when I will be called up for flight. I am on standby and after 12 in the afternoon, my mind simply cannot sit down and read another page of my text book or other book except for Teacher Man by Frank Court. It is the current biography that I am reading. But I am forcing myself to read it slowly; I don't want to gobble it all up because I do not want the reading to end sooner. I am enjoying his book and I want to savour it like my can of Nescafe Regular.

There is nothing more dreadful than not knowing. It is like you are hanging by a loose thread and that, if you do not discipline yourself to be conscious enough, you will just slip into the abyss below. I just had my lunch at the coffee-shop eating my usual plate of Nasi Padang with the same dishes I've had forever. Two patterns emerged out my food selections; either I am scared of changes or I am faithful guy. C'mon why mess with something when it work well? Trying new dishes means taking unnecessary risk of not liking the food and wasting the food and wasting money. I am not scared of changes. OK, may be on a subconscious level I am but so does 90% of the human kind. I am not making excuses for my own cowardice but I think there are things in life where it is better to be safe than sorry. Food is one of them.

I have never aim to be a gourmet food critic anyway; where the aim in life is to sample as many exotic dishes like Le Cockroach Ala Creme, Spicy Bull's Testicles soup serve with pig snail's salad or Fried Horse meat with radish.So the above are just a figment of my imagination but you get my drift. Fancy food is just not cut out for my palate. The furthest I go, if I am being pushed to my outer limits is probably canned sardines. CANNED SARDINES?? Yes, it may be the common man supermarket survival food must have but for me sardines is truly the final frontier. Don't ask me why I hate it. I just do. Reflecting back, it was truly a miracle that I can survive the army without ever touching sardines. Thank god for baked beans.

The reason for me rambling here is because I am free and I have not done any writing pages for weeks. I want to exercise my writing skills before it gets rustic. I thought of setting another blog dedicated just for writing freely but I do not know whether i will be committed enough to write daily. Until such time; if I can keep writing here for at least 30 entries then I will set up a separate blog.

So back to food. I have been learning to cook almost religiously for the last few weekends. Every Saturday or Sunday (whichever mak and I are free), I will go over to Yishun and cook all the food that I like to eat. I am happy that Mak shares with me this enthusiasm. She teaches me without being critical; a real balancing act considering that most cook are either impatient or stingy. Or at least that's what the impression that I get. Each time I do something she will taste it and asked me "What do you think?" I will of course taste it and offer my uninformed and inexperienced opinion. Of which she will suggest that I add additional salt, lime leaves or whatever that is require of the dish.

So far the dishes that I whipped have turned out decently edible. There is this one time however, where I tried to cook this Indonesian recipes - Telur Tersembunyi and Ayam Goreng Chilli Berlado- and they turned out not as drooling as I had anticipated. But we ate them anyway. When asked for mak's opnions, she just smiled but pushed the eggs away from her plate like some yesterday stale leftovers. I got the message.

Learning to cook with mak is becoming like a bonding session for me and her. Rather than walking around aimlessly in the malls, cooking is one productive way to spend quality time together. Ever since she had a fall two months ago, her pain has kept on nagging her; refusing to go away. This has created an urgency in me to learn as much as possible from her about cooking. It is not that I am being pessimistic about any eventuality but to me, it would be a waste if her knowledge is not being utilized and passed on. Besides, good cooking are increasingly harder to find today. What more the future? We truly have an epidemic in our hands! (OK, me being a little dramatic here)

I found out that cooking relaxes my mind. It feels almost therapeutic as long as the food turns out OK, of course. What I have notice however is mental state as I am cooking. I feel like I am standing in the moment thinking and analyzing every steps. I could almost visualize the taste in my mind. There is sense of playfulness and joy in the air as I am at work. I am meticulous about making sure each process gets done as best as I can. Mak observed that 'I look so serious as I stir the pot'. Outwardly it may appear to be so. But inside I am dancing. I replied to her that when you are doing something that you enjoy you must do with out most care and love. Cooking as I am finding out is more than just an enjoyment. It is an exotic escape.@

Learning Patience

2008-01-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

I am slowly learning about patience in my daily life. I am sensing that the more I try to learn about Islam and be a better Muslim, the more challenges I face daily. These challenges comes in various forms. Whether it is the pressure to give up my job, insinuations on my sexuality, stares from people everyday and/or isolation and my depression, they are meant to shake my confidence, planting seeds of doubts within me and make me lose hope in this faith.

"From the mischief of the Whisperer (of Evil), who withdraws (after his whisper),-(The same) who whispers into the hearts of Mankind,Among Jinns and among men."(An-Annas; 4-6)

Now, I am constantly being feed with subtle expectation from Ustaz Zakaria to quit my job when I attended recitation classes. I am a little affected by this but I am telling myself that he has every right to sublimely persuade me to give my job. But I also need to consider other factors as well to plan my life before taking this plunge. Planning involve both financial and education. I am thankful that he is reminding me but at the end of the day it would be up to Allah to move my heart to leave. In the meantime, I am going to continue to learn.

Insinuations about my sexuality is nothing new. But to deal with everyday can be draining. There is nothing I can about what others want to think about me. What matters is that I am on the right path and strives to be patience in the face of nay-sayers. My responsibility is to Allah and He alone. I am not here to please others. People may doubt or gossip about me but their jeering cannot reach me. Their good deeds will be mine, insya'allah. Denying vehemently is futile. It just reinforce their conclusion on me. Bottom line is that I can take into considerations stories of many others before me whom has been wrongly accused like Maryam, Nabi Isa AS mother. She was accused of being impregnated. yet, she remains patience and focus on her devotion to Allah. I just have to continue with my life. It doesn't matter what others think of me. What matter is that I am living my life the way Allah has shown me. In time, He will show me to the right Muslimah, insya'allah. If He doesn't, I still need to be patience. It is my test.

Lately I have this feeling that wherever I go, people are staring at me. Whether it is because of my built or they way I dress, I have no idea why. It does make me uncomfortable but I am forcing myself to ignore stares. I get stares from both girls and guys. I kept looking down and walk. It is not that I have no confidence looking at people. But I think it is rude to stare. When I am in MRT, reading or minding my own business, others will scrutinize me. It is like that they are trying to size me up. Girls looked at me perhaps wanting some reaction from me. I just ignore them. When I am in the gym working out, there are the usual gazes from the guys. It does make me feel uncomfortable but I do not return an eye contact. Why can't people just mind their own business? Singaporeans just love to look at other people. For me, I just ignore. I think Allah is testing me in this. What can I do? Just be patience with Him.

I am living an isolation. I wake up, go the gym, go to work or go Yishun see mak. Other days I go for my recitation or class on Sunday. Other than that, nothing. That is my routine at this moment. There are moments where I wish that I have many friends or meet people every single day. But that would be too meaningless and not to mention exhausting. I am learning to utilize isolation as an avenue to 'make friend' with books and knowledge. I am slowly adjusting myself to be comfortable with learning. Ever since I gave up music, my emotions has stabilize more or less and my hunger for learning is increasing. Seems like isolation can be a positive thing if I put it to good use.

I am still experiencing depression from time to time. But with help of vitamin B Complex, good diet and exercise and rest I am learning to cope with this situation. Reciting the Quran has been an immense boost to my general well being and my heart, specifically. It calm me down mentally and emotionally too. As far as social life is concerned, I have none. But I also understand that it is imperative for me to mix pious and knowledgeable company. Since that can be hard most of the time, the best companions I have is books!

In sum, right now as I am embarking further into Islam, I am certain I will be facing with more and more tests from Allah. I think it is His way of finding out whether my intention is pure. May He gives me the strength to face these tests.@

Death of An Actor

2008-01-24T10:45:00.000+08:00

Heath Ledger died of drug overdosed yesterday. He was only 28 years old. What a tragic way to die; not knowing what is your purpose and ending your life in ignorance to another dimension. It was as if he never existed. To many in the world, he is a promising actor on a verge of superstardom. To me he is a lost soul. He reminded me of what I learnt in Tauhid that it would be a terrible loss to live this short life and not knowing the purpose of this existence. Allah said that life on earth is as short as 1/4 to 1/2 a day. Yet within this brief period, we can do something useful with our lives vis-a-vis to our objective in life. It is sad that when I look around, people seems oblivious to this reality. The behaved like they are living forever. Yet death can happen and will happen suddenly and people will be rudely awoken momentarily of this but they will forget quickly just as they remember.

This actor's sudden departure teaches me that while life is indeed short, it is a time to work hard. It is strengthening my resolve to learn about my religion and understand the Quran. Allah has moved my heart to have an interest in Quran. I need to make continuous effort and duas to make my learning smooth. It would indeed be a waste of my life if I do not embrace this opportunity which can slip away. I recall this very sayings from the Prophet SAW in a hadith:

Rebutlah lima perkara sebelum datangnya lima perkara...
Masa sihat sebelum sakit,
Masa lapang sebelum sibuk,
Masa kaya sebelum miskin,
Masa muda sebelum tua,
Masa hidup sebelum mati.

These words are the bedrock to my motivation in doing things. I am blessed with all of these advantages (health, free time, wealth, youth and life). Hence, it is my responsibility, as my gratitude to Allah to pursue what He has shown the way to me. It may take serious effort and patience but that would be the least that I can do. If I were to go before I achieve understanding of Islam, at least I will die trying. I can tell Allah that despite my brief sojourn on earth, I have tried my best. I know that Allah will understand and forgive for my limitations.

Hence in whatever I do today, the right niat is important. In fact it sets the tone and determines the end outcome. Before niat has never been a consideration. I was ignorant of its importance and how not having or having the wrong niat makes my effort useless; null and void. Today after learning about it, I am beginning to apply what I understand to every aspect of my life. Niat determines whether each action becomes an ibadah. It makes me do everything purposefully. With the right niat, I will strive to do perform everything (as long as it is halal) the best that I can possibly can. Whatever I have right now, whether it is my body, my job, my interest in learning Quran, bodybuilding, cooking, reading or meeting friends or attending classes, it is ibadah. It is a responsibility that Allah has given me. I need to take care of it the best way I can because at the end of day, on the day of resurrection, I will be accounted for every single deed and thoughts that I now have. How can I then, in knowing this fact can afford to slack or stay oblivious? There is a reason in what Allah do and gives.

In sum, life is indeed short. Hence it is vital to prioritize my life according to the purpose of this existence. Otherwise there is no point living. Truly.@

Talking Too Much Too Soon

2008-01-19T21:13:00.000+08:00

I embarrassed myself earlier today at Wardah bookstore when I was talking to a American convert on Islam and I ended up sounding like ignorant when all the time I should have kept my mouth shut. Talking away without thinking expose my stupidity glaringly. I didn't mean to be ignorant. Ok, that didn't sound right. One cannot chose not to be ignorant. One just is or not. But one can choose not to be ignorant by reading and learning. I think as a result of my lack of confidence and at the same time feeling a little low, my guard was down. I was brutally honest and I spoke like I am knowledgeable when in fact I am as ignorant as a fool. The American covert, Ibrahim was kind enough to over look this huge flaw of mine or it seems. I felt like digging a hole right now and buried myself whole in there!

I wish I could control what goes out of my mouth. I want to learn and but I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and practice listening instead. I know that only Allah can guide me towards this objective. I am not going to beat myself up senselessly. Take this as a learning experience. Let it go and leave it behind.

Fighting The Blues

2008-01-19T11:54:00.000+08:00

It is that time of the month again when I am feeling low and right now I am not allowing any negative thoughts from holding me hostage. I am letting all negative thoughts- that evoke negativity, doubts, frustration or anger - under the bridge. It would be easy to wallow in the 'poor me' mentality but I know that Allah is testing me with this depression and giving in to whisperings of syaitan is not an option, insya'allah. I am acknowledging that I am feeling lonely and isolated with no one to love. That is the thoughts that is passing through me. I am also thinking about how I hate my job and is leading me to no where. My mind is also telling me that it is useless to take up the Islamic course because I am too old. These thoughts are meant to crushed my semangat or will.

The fact of the matter is I do have friends. We may not talk every single day but when we do, we communicate. Yes, at this moment I am working as a flight attendant. It is not what I am meant to do but in due time, I trust that Allah will show me the way to another more meaningful vocation. Also, although my job may not be what I am meant to do, it is nonetheless still a mean for me to perform amal jariah by helping people from all over the world. I also get to travel and learn and reflect with what I read in Quran. It is an amazing opportunity that Allah is giving me to use and reflect. Quitting just because I have a bad day is not a good reason. I am exploring my interest like cooking and who knows what that might lead me to in future. I am taking the Islamic course at PERGAS to learn about Islam and be closer to Allah. I like to improve on my akhlak and my life.

Yes, I am lonely but I am not alone. I do yearn for someone to love and to talk to but as in right now I do not have her yet as Allah has not reveal this person to me. There is reason for it and I trust Allah will find me the right partner. I need and I must be patience with Him. I am taking the course at PERGAS to learn. Slowly.. May I find someone that is learning there too. Then we can discuss what learn together.

Yes I am 32. But I am not old to be learning Islam. This is simply preposterous. I love reciting the Quran and I am incline to learn Islam. I am doing what is natural to me. I am not there to compete but to be closer to Allah in the hope to increase my understanding of the religion and to improve myself. Nobody is EVER to old to learn anything, not the least Islam! Yes I did gave up on my degree but does not mean that I cannot study again or ever. I plan to go to the book store and curi semangat of the many scholars of the past to improve my will and self confidence. Allah has shown me this path. It is something that I need to take note of and follow. 4 years ago I barely can recite the Quran but HE moved me to go and learn. Today, allahamdullilah I can recite the entire Quran in 3 months!! My next step is to memorize simple surahs. It is Allah that moves me to take up the course in PERGAS. I know that He showing me the way to Him.

It is important for me to talk back to my inner negative talk when I am down. Just letting it hold attention will fester negative feelings which will affect how I feel and behave. I am planning to hit the gym to have a great workout after this. Then I am going to the bookstore at Masjid Kassim to buy a biography of one of the amazing Islamic scholars of the past. I like to get myself a new pair of sandals too. Then I like to go National Library at Bugis to borrow an audio book.

For now stop listening to people easily and forming conclusions too soon. Yes I need to train myself to listen and observe objectively. But do not take what people says as gospel. Always clarify with people that is knowledgeable or find out. I am affected by what others think of me sometime. I need to train myself to stop thinking in this manner. People may look down on me on the merits of what I do. I can't stop that but that does not mean that I need to do whatever they say to gain their approval. I shall let Allah decides for me. The most important thing is my niat. When the time for me to quit comes, I will leave the airline. But I will do so in a position of knowledge not ignorance.

Giving up music for good

2008-01-13T15:37:00.000+08:00

Another chapter of my life closes yesterday. I finally threw out all my CDs, some DVDs and erased all music from my laptop yesterday. In an increasing effort to turn my life around, I finally took the step that has been holding me back for a while. It was difficult letting go of my most treasured Aishah, Sheila Majid and Fran collections. They were after all part of my growing up memories. But today I grew less attached to their music (and others as well). I wanted to sell the CDs to salvage some of the cost incurred purchasing them but I didn't want the hassle. There was a thought of giving them to some of my friends who listen to music. But I feel to condone them to listen is to engrave them further with sins; something which I am trying to abandon. In the end, throwing them away was the only solution.

I am noticing the subtle changes of my heart towards certain habits. I read somewhere that make good habits your master and they will forever serve you. Kicking bad habits like listening to music is one of them. Where as in the past, I found music to be a form of expression and an avenue to relax, today I am dispassionate about them. I do not feel compel to listen to them and I find many song lyrics empty, contrite and meaningless. There is nothing in music that is real and useful to me.

As I adopt more frequent recitations of the Quran, I am increasingly drawn towards its beauty of its sounds. The more I recite, the more at peace are my heart and mind. And the more I recite, the more inquisitive I am of its meanings and its relevant to my daily life.

I trust that it is indeed Allah's will that cause this subtle changes in me. He is putting me towards the right direction and perhaps preparing me for other changes as well. I will take things as they come. Eventually, I like to leave the airline. I hope that Allah will continue to show me the way out of this job and into another more meaningful vocation, insya'allah.

dear diary - Goodbye 2007

2007-12-31T09:04:00.001+08:00

This is the last day of 2007. Finally I have come to the end of this long year. This has been a year of reflection and rest for me. For the most part figuring out life and my purpose has kept me occupied. In between are my on going battles with my 'situation' and trying to mentally re-align everything that is happening to me as challenges in the big picture of existence. I don't see my job as a an end it self but as a means to be closer to Allah through helping people. This alignment alters the way I feel about my job when my motivation towards it was about to nose dive. Today I go to work with a new zest.

While I do not see myself as staying long in cabin crew, I sense that Allah is slowly showing me the way out of this life. When I will take a plunge is only in Allah's knowledge but I hope that I can find another vocation which will allow me to explore my potential and interest; be of benefit to the society while bringing me closer to Him.

There are a few things that I like to work towards in 2008. The most important thing of all is time management. I like to be able to manage my time between my work, my personal hobbies (weight lifting, cooking and writing), my education ( Quran recitation, Islamic course and learning arabic), my family and myself (time for reflection and meditation). I would also like to take small steps in making friends with Muslimah as an effort to build my confidence.

This year I took a sabbatical from making any goals. As a result, I was not making any intentional effort on any activity. But nevertheless, I still managed to save $15k (which I invested it in July), continued my Quran reading classes and bodybuilding. I also started reading again in Sep. I went for Umrah in June with Mak. This year however, I like to focus on self education which will include to enjoy learning about Islam, to memorize a surah per month, writing daily for 30 mins, complete 100 pages of Quran reading by June, learn arabic, explore my interest in cooking, save $20K by year end, plan my study schedule, thinking schedule, daily meditation, yoga twice a week, meals for the week, reading a book every month and complete a writing practice notebook every month. I will write my manifesto in my Learning Journal which will detailed my goals and break it down one step at a time.

In the mean time, I just want to sit back, relax and sip my Nescafe.@

Dear diary - Dealing with people

2007-12-21T22:30:00.001+08:00

"People,
You can never change the way they feel,
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will,"
- George Michael, Kissing a Fool

I am beginning to realize that in dealing with people, it is pointless to have expectation over someone's behavior. Sometimes I wish that people can be like me. Always thinking of how other's feelings. But lately I have come to realize that it is simply not realistic to expect good considerate behavior out of everybody. Also, just because someone is inconsiderate or rude or obnoxious doesn't mean that I have to respond in kind. Yes, it is hurtful when the taxi driver make a remarks that he wished he never picked you as a passenger or your family member gloating over your advice. But like George Michael sings "People you can never change the way they feel", its absolutely true with humans. There will be days where you meet nice warm folks and there will also be days where Cruella DeVille seems like a common character on the street. People comes in all shapes and temperaments.

But what is challenging for me is how I respond to sarcastic remarks, humiliating taunts and rude replies. It is natural to get upset over these negative people. But if I were to respond as I receive, it would not lead me to anything valuable at all. In fact, I would be reactive instead of pro active. Yes, it will take some getting used to not being affected by abuses. But it is not only possible, it is a necessary respond. Standing up to these people by being patient and gracious is an act of magnanimity. Becoming angry is just walking to the bait. But keeping cool under the fire is an act of will; to go against the heat of the moment.

Of course it is easier said than done. When people are slandering you or humiliating you, the amidala just want to burst with fire. But as I am learning to cope now, keeping quiet is often the best respond. Whatever people perception of you, it does not matter at all. What matter most is that you are on the right track. As long as Allah knows, that is suffice. Allah commanded me to be patience and steadfast in moment of tribulation. It is His test for me. Hence, by being patience I am not only complying with His orders, I am employing the divine way to deal with difficult situation/people.

I was just thinking earlier about doing the right things despite not being accepted by others. I think that this is one of the test Allah is giving me to see whether I will continue doing what I am doing despite suspicions from others. Rasullulah SAW faced many nay sayers at the beginning of his prophetic career. People called him names, slandering him, accused him of sorcery and humiliate him but Rasullulah didn't even respond. He just turned away. He believed in what he is delivering and if that makes him unpopular with the masses, he just let it be.

Through Rasullulah SAW's life, I will try to adopt similar actions. No doubt I am far from perfect but Rasullulah's example is the only thing that I have to follow. Besides, what I am facing is nothing in comparison to his. In trying to change my life around, I do meet people whom doubt me or think that I am denying reality by avoiding admitting to my sexuality. But how I want to lead my life is nobody business but my own. I do not have to explain to everybody that I have renounce gay lifestyle and I want to lead an Islamic life (and get married blah blah). I know why I have been the way I was and why I choose to change my life. I am not explain to anyone unless to people that cares for my well being.

Ultimately, I am only answerable to Allah. He knows me inside out. That is the only concern I should be paying attention to. period@

dear diary - a second brush with death

2007-12-14T23:09:00.000+08:00

What are the odds of having a brush with death twice? Just a day earlier, I was almost hit by a speeding truck. The day I reported for the Haj charter flight, I almost got hit by a red car which went out of control in the middle of the expressway! Masya'allah! It has been pouring continuously in Singapore. The roads must have been really wet and dangerous to drive in. I was reporting to work in a taxi at about 10:30 am. Just as my taxi was moving towards the airport, a red car coming in from the left road just jolted in front of us into the middle road and started to whirled 360 degrees to the right. I was talking to the driver when I suddenly noticed the impending disaster ahead. Immediately I cautioned the uncle to be careful and avoid the car.

Meanwhile just as the red car swirled around, it suddenly roared straight at us! He is driving in opposite direction. The taxi uncle managed to swerve his taxi to the right to avoid a car crash. But the red car was close enough to hit the left side of the taxi bonnet. Then the red car quickly turned in the the direction of the road. Thank goodness for the both of us, there weren't other vehicles on the highway then. Had there been a rush hour, there would have been a pandemonium. I can't imagine how it would have turned out!

My taxi quickly stop by the shoulder of the road. The red car also parked behind us. Both drivers got out to discuss what happened. The driver looked in shock. I asked him "what happen to you?". He replied that he didn't know what happened. His care just went out of control. It was scary. After a while, the uncle went back into the taxi and continue with our journey. My mind was still reeling about what had happened. I also thought about the day before.

Is Allah telling me something with these two incidents? Is my end approaching? I don't know and I don't want to spend my time thinking 'what if' scenarios. The fact of the matter is these two close encounters is making me thinking about how sudden life can ends. One minute you are here breathing. The next instant, you are gone..@

dear diary - almost hit by a truck

2007-12-11T22:34:00.000+08:00

I had a frozen moment earlier this evening. I was standing at the T-junction across Safra Tampines waiting to cross the road. I turn to the left to look at the traffic light. The light adjacent to me just turn red. It was an indication for me to walk. Just as I turn my head to face the road and about to extend my leg, a truck sped past me and right across the red light! I didn't have even a second to react. Had I cross I would have been hit and thrown off to the centre of the road. I could imagine how it would have turned out in my mind. It is absolutely horrifying thought, masya'allah.

Had it happened, it would have been a different reality right now. I would have either been killed instantly or lying somewhere in a hospital somewhere fighting for my life while my entire family would raced down to be with me. Then after many hours of being in the ICU, I would take my last breath and the doctor would declare me dead. My mum would be crying profusely. So will others around. They will be absolutely devastated by my sudden, albeit painful departure. Then everyone will be informed and my body will be brought to Yishun to be washed, prayed and buried tomorrow.

Everyone will come to Yishun for the final farewell. Makcik Ramah will rush down to see her beloved nephew one last time amidst the tears. She would be crying knowing that she will miss me forever. She would even recount to mak about the statement that I made a few weeks back "Sekali dia (Nur Farhana) yang hidup lebih lama dari aku" as a kind of premonition. People will be saying all kinds words about me. "Si Zaki tu memang baik budaknya. Banyak tolong orang". This will only make my mum crying harder. In fact she will be unconsolable.

I will be watching all these in spirit. I will feel sad no doubt, knowing that my short lived life is over. I will start to regret over what I have no done especially towards Allah. I should have prayed more, fasted more, helped more, learned more. These would be in my mind. I would feel petrified inside at the thought of impending meeting with the angels in the grave. Will I able to answer their questions when they ask me? I wish I can turn back time and work harder. I wish, I wish...such wishful thinking.

The next day, after being prayed, I will be send to my final resting place in Pusara Abadi in Jalan Bahar. I will be allocated a burial site. My body will be brought to it and lower in the grave. Then earth will be covered on me. People gather around my grave and then the Imam will recite prayers to me; to remember who Allah is, who Nabi Muhammad is, what Al-Quran is. I will be listening in my grave in absolute terror. The rain started to fall but mak continue to cry. In fact, Makcik Ramah will be holding her. Around her will be my aunts and uncles. Yusuf, Hafidz and ayah will be on my grave with the rest of the men. They are crying too.

After the rites has been performed, everyone leaves me one by one excpet mak who refused to leave. She is totally heartbroken . It is like something in her has broken her. She wanted to be with me. But ayah and Yusuf gently pulled her away.

After all has left, I started to hear nothing but the sounds of my own mind. It is dark in the grave. I couldn't see anything. Fear started to creep within me. I felt alone. Then from far away, I started to hear footsteps coming towards me. It gets louder and louder. My next journey of existence begins...

Some ayats from the quran to remind me of the final destination and what it holds for me:

Respond to your Lord before a Day comes from God which cannot be turned back. On that Day you will have no hiding-place and no means of denial. (Surat ash-Shura: 49) and

"Every soul shall taste death in the end; to Us shall you be brought back." (Surat al-'Ankabut: 57);

dear diary - writing as a way to healing

2007-12-10T14:16:00.001+08:00

I have done free writing for years now-on and off- but never really have actually complete a year's worth of consistent writing. But I noticed that each time I did a timed free writing, my mood elevates. So do my self esteem. I have not actually thought of writing as a therapy for my depression or overcoming homosexual tendencies but venting out my 'inner' demons through writing every now and then does some good to my system. It releases pent up emotions and stress. The reason I didn't write consistently was because I find free writing after a while aimless. Where am I taking this writing to? Am I going to write articles? Novels? Short story? What??

Hence, I stopped writing for a while. But somehow, every now and then, the urge to write something arise. It's primal. Like I got to do it. I have no idea where all these writing will lead me to. But I do it anyway. And each time I did with all my being, I feel relax and totally at ease in my own skin. It is strange but it does feel therapeutic.

On the other side of things, I have almost stop reading. Increasingly reading appear laborious. The minute I read, I gets mentally tired and tend to lose focus. But there is one revelation which I discover recently. I gobbled up biographies like chips between meals: hungrily. I love reading about people's lives. It is about the way it is written that somehow is compatible with my concentration level. I can finish biographies in few short days. I never actually stop to think about this but when I recently discover that I like to read a biography, I reflected upon all the books that I have completed in recent years. They are all biographies! Some of them are Lance Armstrong's "It is not About The Bike", Author Golden's "Memoir of the Geisha", Ed Hussain's "The Islamist" are among the books that I have finished. I am re-discovering the joy of reading again after all these years.

I suspect that I am interested in certain genre and not all writing. I realized that I have no patience to savour and visualize the many narratives of fiction. I prefer books written in the first person and as though that the writer is speaking to me directly. I realize that I am able to visualize what is being describe easily. No wonder it is hard for me to complete a self help book or books that merely reporting. I have to know what it is like to be in someone shoes. It is like being in a drama.

Recently I read a book on Writing as a Way of Healing. It is quite an interesting book in which the author encourage those that have traumas to use writing as a vehicle to heal life's wounds. She added that to write on a daily basis for yourself is like a tonic or an appointment with the therapist. It relieves all the negative energy and allow you to grow and let you see the painful event on a newer plain; albeit objectively. It has been found that writing to heal does prove to be effective. Hence, I am trying to apply her suggestion in dealing with my own of early childhood traumas which are affecting me now despite all the years. Issues like humiliation, anger, self esteem and self worth and emotional learning obstacle are some of the negative emotions that surface today. I want to deal with them up right.

It will take time for me to write all my memories down. In fact I think to bring it as close as possible without demonizing other will also be another challenge. It is easy to pain ourselves as victims when we were small and helpless. But the real story is always be more than a cut out character. People's behaviour is complex which is a product of many years in development. Hence, in writing down my memories, I like to take hold of my own behaviour and decide it is enough. I want to move on and grow up!@

dear diary - the battle rages on

2007-12-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

I return from a week of doing New York and Frankfurt exhausted, naturally. I almost went bonkers in New York; on the day that I departed. I woke up at 2 am hungry. After eating, I stayed up till morning. I went down to have breakfast. Thought I could fall asleep but I was wrong. I ended up awake mentally, cranked up with frustration and negative thoughts swirling. It was so restless. I became miserable and angry that I could tear up the wall. But in the end, when the call time was due, i just got change and went to work. The one thing that I hate the most is the time difference. I am still struggling with it after a decade. It felt like I have a major hangover. This usually happen when I am going back. Anyway I am glad that is over.

My 'weakness' is till hovering over me. The jet lag combine with my homesickness and loneliness did succeed to bring it back. I slide into 'it' like I was seeking comfort. I just felt helpless. I thought about being alone in the world with no sense of family or belonging. It is a potent mix when jet lag, depression and loneliness combine. I started to conjure negative thoughts; thoughts that are defeating and magnifying the reality. As a result of these thoughts, I grew angry, frustrated, hopeless and resign. Time felt like it stood still. I ended up watching porno on demand. I just couldn't think of anything else. I began to hate my life; hate my job. Frankly I do hate the jet setting lifestyle. But at these moment where I am at my weakest, it is hard for me to self talk myself out of the negative talks. The only way is to have a good night sleep.

I persevere on flight. Even though I have not sleep for the last 18 hours, I manage to elicit a decent performance on board. I pop in a B Complex and Gingko Biloba for added measure, just in case. I was on check and I had to keep up with my standard in order to get a good report. Thankfully, I was given an hour rest. That helped to get my mind and body recuperate. Otherwise, I would have pop another vitamin to sustain.

When I touched down Frankfurt, I slept till 8 pm. Woke up to sneak a quick snack then back in the covers till 6 am the morning after. I had a really long breakfast with Brenda, Aurell and Serene. Then I went out to the village to buy my stuffs and had a Turkish lunch. When I came back, it was almost night fall. I tried to catch some sleep but again, couldn't. But at least this time, I was going home. It felt liberatingly good.

At times when I was in New York, it is important for me to hang on and not provoke my mind into vicious thoughts. It is hard and breaking the cycle of homosexuality is tough but I need to make continuous effort. It is easy for syaitan to stir up my emotions when the mental and physical fatigue overwhelm me. But in the those moment, isolate myself and focus on resting. Try not to entertain sexual thoughts that comes into the mind. Don't fight it. Just breathed deeply and learn to let wild thoughts go. Do not wrestle against it. Learn to let go of thoughts that heighten your lower self. Seek help from Allah., never forget.@

dear diary - fighting my nafs

2007-11-27T21:29:00.001+08:00

I just returned from Bombay. Seems like Allah is testing me with many renewed challenges to see whether I will fall back into my 'old ways' again. I got depressed a day before I did the flight. I didn't feel like I want to go for work. My body picked up that signal and the minute I got into the aircraft, I have headaches and gum aches. It is like my body felt the tension in my body. Anyway, my testerone level increased due to my POWER week. I felt weak internally; loneliness mixed with sadness. On board, one of the passengers kept eyeing on me. I got distracted but I tried remain focus. Then a first class passenger notify Yvonne that he wanted to see me. Turned out he is Chris from The Spa. He gave me his name card and asked me to call him for coffee. I responded friendly. Some of my colleagues started to give me the 'are you gay' look. I just smiled but didn't say a word. The moment I checked into the room, negative thoughts swirled around in my mind. I tried to push it away but eventually gave in to them; releasing myself several times.

I just felt 'weak' internally. I kept missing the old days. It was like I couldn't muster a sense of hope that things will be better in the end. I felt lousy mentally and spiritually. I started to hate my job and wanted to escape it all by imagining that I get another job. I came thinking that I will never have a family; I will find no woman to love me. The helplessness and hopelessness is just incredible. Facing my own thought second by second can be really hard to face. I supposed masturbation is my act to escape reality. But it just reinforce the negative feelings. In the end I felt like crap. I wish that I can have a center where I have a family to love, a job that I enjoy in an environment that is positive. I do feel like I worthless without any friend or a capacity to make genuine friendship. I get very negative sometime.

The reason I am feeling negative is that I feel unloved. I have a family but do not feel like I have one. No one talks to each other. No one share their lives. Everyone lives on their own. Nobody express their feeling towards another. Nobody says "How are you?", "Where have you been?", "Let's have dinner together","I miss you!". I feel that everyone is so damn selfish when it comes to love and feelings. I also believe that the reason why anyone cares in my family is because they know I have money. Period. I am resentful of this! Why can't we be caring and loving without expecting anything in return? That is why at times like this I kept thinking about Simon because that was the one time where I have someone that cares and love me. I know that that kind of love is wrong now. But when I am lonely and depressed, this memory just makes me yearn for that feeling of being needed and loved. Surrounded by so called 'family', it's no wonder I felt depressed and alone. I wish to make it go away. I want to have someone that cares for me for who I am not what I have or what I do.

I am going through changes in my life. It may look like I am in an inertia but I am making positive steps towards a different path of life. Yes, right now I may feel like things will be like this forever but it is only Syaitan's ploy to cause me to fall back into gay lifestyle. Life is a test. I need to learn to accept that it is not going to be easy. Only Allah can help me get through this. Getting to the right path is not going to be easy. It will be filled with many obstacles. But the reward is well worth the struggle. Life is not an end itself but a journey towards a reality that is far more important.

I am starting my Islamic course in January. I already started my Arabic class. That in itself is signal to change. It will be slow but with perseverance and persistence, Allah will show me the right way; to right job and the right partner. Right now, do not think about all these issues. Concentrate on managing your time by planning ahead, structuring with activities like reading, writing, doing yoga, cooking. Do meditation to manage and clear your mind. Fast twice a week to manage your nafs. It is important for me to fast as it will weaken the 'horniness'.

I am struggling right now. My head hurts. I want to deal with it and move on. I want to overcome my homosexuality and lead a normal life. I want to have a family to go home to. I want to have a wife that is loving, patient and share similar values. But where can I find such Muslimah?

dear diary - back into the grind

2007-11-25T09:55:00.000+08:00

Two weeks of leave just whizzed in a flash. I will be flying tomorrow to Bombay early morning. I wish that I can take a break for at least a month. These two weeks was spent doing nothing but lazing around. I didn't plan anything. Nor did I sat down to think about life and the like. I just want to relax and forget about everything. I discover Pasir Ris beach. I never knew that it is only 15 mins away. It is perfect. I will be doing more morning walks from now on. I read a few books. If I haven't been to anywhere else, at least my mind visited 3 different places - England, Sierra Leone and now to America. I realize that I actually like to read; only that there are specific genre of books that make me want to read. No wonder I cannot read past a few pages of theories or how tos books. I actually prefer books that is written like it is spoken. I enjoy biographies and I intend to read continuously and widely.

Inflation has crept up to a high of 3.6%. This means that things will be more expensive. What this mean to me is that I will have to spend less sporadically and plan ahead more. Also, this means that I will eat in more. Transportation cost will also increase. I will consolidate my trips more. I will also avoid taking cabs to work unless absolutely necessary. By the way, I just bought a new Raleigh bike yesterday. Totally spur of the moment. Ok, not quite spur of the moment. Ever since my old bike 'died', I have been wanting to replace it. I have been going to the gym taking bus. I rather cycle; save me the $5 and I get to do cardio to and fro. This new bike has a lighter body; made of aluminium.

I came back from Malacca exhausted. I popped 2 sleeping pills and went to sleep early last night. I woke up at at 4 am. My mind kept playing all the negative dialogues. It seems that every time I go Malacca, I got to endure repeated stories of abused and no money. Frankly I am beginning to feel tired of listening to the whining and complaining. I am empathetic towards Cik Ramah but repeating these dialogues and mulling over negative thoughts are not going to help situation.

Anyway, every time I am there, I got to spend on my food and them as well. It is like here I am visiting them for a holiday only to bear the cost of everything. What is the point of visiting then? Everyone just expect money from me. I kept thinking of the ayats in the Quran that giving and saying good things are encouraged. But sometime I wonder whether they are taking advantage of my generosity.

Whatever it is, I choose to visit and give them a treat. I did it to make them happy, for Allah sake. That should what matters most. I won't bad mouth them nor will I bring it up in future.

dear diary - staying still

2007-11-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

Keeping still despite feeling uncomfortable within takes some getting used to. But recalling what Allah says in the Quran about handling situation helps me through. He teaches me to walk away from useless acts or words. Be patience and leave it to Him. The act of redha is something that I am learning. It is ackward because I use to respond to things differenly; reactively. But today, I am learning to be still and silence or challenge my inner negative thoughts that are either try to shame me or remind me of the past. These inner thoughts drive the way I feel in the present. Hence, it is vital that I learn to manage these voices.

For example today. I met Sharma at Al-Jazari. I automatically shook his hands and wish him Selamat Hari Raya. But I felt that he didnt initaite any conversation. Hence, I kept quiet too and concentrates on my revision. Internally I was wrestling with thoughts like create doubts and humiliation. It is all because I know that he knows about my past. Hence, I felt uncomfortable. But I combat this by reasoning to myself that who I was then is not who I am now. People can change. I am not here to justify or explain anything to anybody. I am only answerable to one: Allah. Everything else does not matter. Besides its none of his business to know about me or what I did. This issue is mine and for me to fight.

Nonethless it is vital for me to be polite. Which was what Allah taught me - to be polite even to disbelievers. Being rude or offensive is not the way of a Muslim. I am slowly applying what I learn into my actions. After my recitations, Sharma opens up to me by asking about me. I reciprocicated. In my mind is the vision that he might wants to extends friendship. I don't want to go there. Neither do I want to be arrogant. I do not judge him. Neither do I want to slip into the past again. All I have to do is to maintain this cordiality at a social level and leave it at that. I do not have to explain or justify my actions to him.

I believe that everyone makes mistakes and no one has the moral right to judge or patronize another. Purifying is an ongoing project which only ends at our last breath. Until then, we just have to work hard in this world. Hidayah belongs to Allah alone. Only He can open hearts of a person. My job as a human being is to obey His commands and do as many good deeds as possible. This includes maintaining good relationship with another human being despite his disposition. And if conflict arises, there is always the option of simply walking away.

a long way gone

2007-11-18T20:26:00.000+08:00

I finished reading A Long Way Gone today. It is a story of a ex-child soldier surviving a war torn country. I was just shocked at how brutal yet unaffected killing another human being can be. That someone - a boy- with such naivete innocence can be transformed over time into a monster capable of extreme atrocities.

I also pondered over the fragility of peace and freedom. These two qualities are enjoyed by many people over the world today. Yet these two qualities are often being taken fro granted; thinking they are 'normal' or expected. We are so used to the routines of our lives like that when we see or read that other countries are suffering, it does not feel like it is our problem. Has the demands and contraption of modern life made us apathetic? Yet, many others in the world right now hunger for peace and freedom. Many ran away to other countries to find a better life. Many suffered to to attain them.

I also thought about the process of dehumaning killing. These child soldiers were driven by fear and desperation to survive. Moreover, they were also been manipulated by adults that ingrained in them messages that propelled their hatred to kill (to revenge their own families). These kids doesn't know any better. There was no one to guide or protect them. They were at the mercy of adults soldiers whom has an agenda of their own. Further more, these kids were fed with drugs like marijuana, cannabis to numb their senses and feelings. Human lives is so precious yet at war they means very little.

What I like about this story is how the boy was 'revert' back to be a boy again; It was a very slow and painful process for him. He was taken to a UN camp for ex-child soldiers. There he recieved rehab; first to flushed out the drugs from his system and then slowly to regain trust and find hope for another chance to live with his family again. This kid has many traumatic expereinces and he kept having nightmares even as times went by. But with the presence of unconditional love and support of many around him, he started to regain his confidence and overcome his past. It took a lot of efforts and patience. But in the end, he overcome it.

As I was reading this book I somehow can identify certain issues such as trust, afraid to show happiness that it might go away, yearning for a family and identity issues. I felt that somehow I am in the same boat as the author in ways where I am trying to change my life over. I have never had a strong loving family relationship before. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Hence, I gathered some ideas of how I can apply the author's life to improve mine. The author started to change when he was transplated to another place (UN centre), surrounded by positive people that shows patiences and unconditional love. From there he was encouraged to talk about his past without any judgement and allow to express his feelings. Then he was given back to his uncle where he got aother chance to have a family.

Right now, I am trying to overcome my identity crisis by withdrawing from negative images or messages that feed me into believing that I am gay. This also means cutting off from people who chose to be in this lifestyle and places that has gays. Ok, isolating myself from gays completely is impossible today. But I can make choices in choosing not to have them around me out of work. I respect them as human being but I also know that is not who I am. Now, I need to learn to be with people that is positive and supportive. I am taking up weekly religious class in January and insya'allah I will try to participate in their activities. It is crucial that I start to mix with society. Hence I am chossing my company carefully.

I am also trying to read more. I love biographies and I plan to read many more, insya'allah. I also have to be paitience with myself for obstacles are neccesary component to change. This book inspire me that despite traumatic experiences a person has he can learn to overcome them to develop into a kind and compassionate human being.

dear diary

2007-11-16T15:13:00.000+08:00

I finally signed up for SPI course at PERGAS yesterday. The course will be commencing in January 08. It is held once a week at Newton from 9 am to 1 pm every Sunday. I am equally nervous as I am excited to study Islam. I pray that Allah will make learning easy for me. Given that I have internal obstacles that I have to overcome, it will be a real challenge for me to pusue this course. But insya'allah I will try my best and put in effort. In learning about Islam, I hope to be able to always reflect vis-a-vis to my travels and life experiences. Hopefully, this learning process will enriches me and lead me closer to Allah.

I had my reservations to learn Islamic course for a few years now. I had them because I am not sure of the direction it will lead me to. In the past, when I took courses, it was always to serve an end. But somehow, my interest lagged as I realize that the end wasn't what I wanted in the first place. I merely took courses for the sake of taking. I contemplated to take up Islamic studies but I want to know what it meant for me.

I have always wanted to take up studying again. After I quitted my degree in Mass Communication, I took a mental break from learning anything except Quran recitation. I think on the hindsight, I wanted to take my time to evaluate myself in light of what was happening to me. Whatever that I am going to study would have to be for both a personal and greater cause. It must mean something important and contribute to others. Internally, I was aching to fill the void of my previous lifestyle. Bodybuilding take some of my time but its purely physical. I knew that I need to learn something. The first thing that I did was re-learn to read the Quran.

Having taking up up Quran for 2 years now, my next step is to learn Islam. I am starting over from ground zero. It will take me years but I have all the time in the world. Although this PERGAS course leads to a degree eventually, I am doing this more for the betterment of myself and to be closer to Allah. More importantly, I like to apply the knowledge into my life. In order to re-start an Islamic culture in my family and life, I need to study. Islam after all is not a religion of mimickers.

I am nervous though on whether I would have the know how to learn. Having lost my motivation to study in Media, I like to improve my learning skills so that it can enhance my learning experience. I suppose with practice and guidance from Allah, I will be able to learn effectively, insya'allah.

I am putting Jamiyah cooking course on hold as they change the dates to Mon and Fri. It will be tough for me to change flights. I was looking forward to Tue and Thu. Hence, now, I am putting it off till further notice. Yesterday, I was at Bussorah street with Alvin. I walked into Wardah book store again. I don''t know why but I just love that book store. It has a nice warm ambience. I also just found out that the book store is also a language centre called The Markaz. It offers Arabic language courses. I am interested to learn but again, due to my irregular schedule, it would be hard for me to attend classes consistently.

I spoke to the teacher, a bespectacled turnic wearing guy and discuss my predicament with him. He emphatise with me but there is not much he can do to facilitate my situation other than offering private classes but at $40 a session. I asked him for recommendation and he gave me a name: Murdans Iskandar. He teaches Arabic freelance. I took his number and I called him. Murdans sounds like an enthusiastic fellow. We made an appointment to meet on Mon at 2pm to discuss further. Hopefully, it will lead to something fruitful.

Anyway, that is all for now..

dear diary

2007-11-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

Setting goals are something that I need to do in the different areas of my life. Just like in bodybuilding where I am using periodisation techniques, I should apply the similar principles. In periodisation, I break down my training into 4 periods- Toning, Strength, Power and Rest. Each periods work under different principles to attain the desired reults. Using variable principles like time, reps and styles of training, having a plan make me focus in the gym. I usually will sit down for 10 mins prior to workout and write down in my notebook the workout of the day. I will record how many reps, sets and weightage to do. After that, I do warming up by stretching my torso and only then I do my workout. In between my sets, I do stretching for 30 secs to get the blood flowing into my muscles.

I like to know what I am going to do and the desired outcome of my activity. I think I will enjoy my workout less if I don't do what I do. It gives me structure to play with and within that structure, I will exercise creativity. By having a plan and working towards it in gradual fashion, my endurance level improve. So do my techniques as I become more confident to handle heavier weights. I also exercise good forms to preven sloppiness which can lead to unneccesary injury. Also, I do record little details such as how I am feeling that day; what mood I am in to any pecularities that I observe within and out of myself. So, in sum, it makes my workout result oriented; hence, effective.

First I single out areas of my life which needs attention for growth. They are Islam, Work, Personal Finance & Investing, Cooking, Writing. Then, working on individual area, determine what needs to be achieve. For example in Islam, break it down into different subjects like Quran tajweed, Sirah, Taweed etc. Then write down your goal into something tangible like "I like to recite and understand Quran", "To master the first chapter and find real life application". Get a notebook and plan what to learn and allocate specific time to read and learn. Record in your notebook the time and lenght of study. What goes into your mind as you learn. use studying strategies to aid comprehension and connection.

Just like periodisation, start with easy chapters or principles first. Build your learning confidence slowly. Don't junp into the toughest topics. Give yourself a few weeks. Each time you study, push yourself by 5 mins or more. Your mental endurance will grow with practice. Every learning day, go back to revise what you have read the day before; to refresh and connect with the new material that you about to learn. This will sustain interest. After learning, write down the summary of what you have learnt. After you have done with a module, take a break. Don't look or think about the subjects. Do something else.

I can learn. It is just that I have not done more to gather confidence. Also, I do not have a plan. I study randomly. I do not create the objectives and plan carefully. Also, due to my jet lag, planning to learn can be quite emotionally and physically taxing, Hence, during this holiday, I want to spend a good deal of time planning. Once I have a schedule out, I can accomodate to my work schedule.

Insya'allah, I hope to accomplish this by this two weeks.

a letter to zaki

2007-11-13T22:20:00.000+08:00

"Assalamualaikum Zaki!

I know that what you are going through is tough. Beating low self esteem and homosexual tendencies or yearnings can be daunting. But I want you to be kind with yourself and understand that every challenges have obstacles in the way. Giving up and giving in to your nafs is not answer as far as these challenges are concerned. The stakes are too high. You can choose the easy way road and repeat your homosexual lifestyle but the price is not worth paying. It is temporary. As Allah says in the Quran, every difficulty will be followed by period of ease. Be patience for the time being.

Sometimes seeking refuge in Allah can be hard and may require such will power. But always remember that Allah test His servants what they can bear. Allah knows that you can withstand and over come this challenge. So, I want you to have faith in Him and take this obstacles of overcoming your homosexual yearnings as your path to Allah and what He has in store for you. I know it is not easy given your your family background, your abusive childhood, and now the pain of loneliness and jet lag from your job. But nonetheless, it is something that you have which are part of you and will not change for the better unless you stick it out and overcome it; with Allah's help of course.

There are many people in the world that have to face their own unique challenges. I am sure that they too face uncertainties and doubts. How long more will I have to bear this? Why is this happening to me? Can I overcome it? These questions are normal; in fact it is expected. But always rememeber not to be angry with Allah and His mercy for only He knows why He bestows specific challenges for specific individual.

I know that you are yearning for a loving family to go home to; to nurture. You also want to have the right partner to share your life with. It is normal to desire these things. I know that right now, you may feel like there is no one to share your burden of thoughts with. But I am glad you are writing these down because writing it down allows you to heal and grow. Zaki, it is amazing that you have comes this far. Another person in your position with your job and accessibility may not even take the effort to ponder on their own existence and reflect upon their way of life. They will avoid it like a plague till death comes to them. Which of course is only too late.

Zaki, I truly admire your decision to abandon your homosexual relationship and cut off ties from all your gay friends. It takes strenght and courage to take this walk alone; a walk where there is no certainty except the certainty of death and the promise of Allah to punish those that defies his commands. I want you to continue walking on this path and regroup your strenght and resolve by continueing making effort to strenghten your ties with Allah. Seek His forgiveness and assistance. Remember Him.

Right now, continue your plans to take up Islamic studies from January 08. Make that your goal to pursue it seriously. Take this plan as the next step towards Allah. Knowledge is the light. Mix with people who has knowledge and slowly you will see the difference in your life. Take it slow and do not burn yourself out. Pace yourself with your job. That is why i think attending the class once a week for the first year is a great idea. But you need to make effiort to read and understand and Zaki, get involve. Do not be restrained by your past or so-called limitations. Learning about Islam is learning about life. Make your learning personal and enjoyable.

Do not tell anyone about this as you are studying for Allah and Allah alone. Let the knowledge that you have permeates you and slowly but surely, it will be reflected through your actions and behaviour, insya'allah. Islam is not about riak. It is about wearing the Quraan on your sleeve and be like the Prophet in actions, behaviour and thoughts. So do this quietly.

I know sometime staying humble can be difficult especially in the light of our own egos and nafs. But try to let it go and remember that truly it is only Allah that posses everything. We are merely vessels entrusted with tools to do what Allah has commanded. Allah gives us eyes to see His miracles. He gives us ears to listen to good conversations and the Quran. He gives us voice to say good things and recite the glorious Quran. He gives us wealth to help the poor. Hence, everything that we have has a purpose; to do good deeds and spread Islam. Hence in order to do that, we need knowledge.

Only Allah knows why He bestows you with this situation. He must have a purpose for you to let you go through everything that you are going through and in future. He could have let you drifted away in the giddiness of sin and make you further from Islam. But the fact that you answer to His calling, make a change to your life shows that there must be more in store for you. Have you ever wondered why do you experienced such pain in your heart back then when you were at loss? Why did you experiences panic attacks and anxieties? This is His way of reaching to you. Didn't the Quran indicates that Allah will give pain in the heart of disbelievers? How come has these pain 'disappear' after you make a change in your life? Have you ever wondered?

Yes, I know you feel lonely. But as Zuhaidah reminded you, you are not alone. You got to fight. Life can take you in many different directions but a single destination: death. Knowing that death awaits and it is the beginning of the real life will force you to repriorities your life and live life rightfully. I know you were distracted by many things lately like toying the idea of buying properties and the violatility of your mutual funds but always remember the PRIORITY. You may make plans to buy a condo as an investment vehicle or chnage to a different mutual fund but don't let these plans occupy your thought 247. Assign specific time to think about them and make plans. After that, let it go. Worrying over their performances or whether will it materialise will not make a different. After all it is up to Allah to make it happen.

In the meantime, I want you to relax and regroup your strength and thoughts. Do not worry about your future partner. Continue praying to Allah and in time, He will show you the right person. Right now your focus is to take the next step. Go to Pergas tommorow and sign up for the Islamic course. It is the beginning of better things in your life, insya'allah!"

Warm Regards,
Your Friend

lions for lambs

2007-11-09T20:11:00.001+08:00

I just got back from watching Lions For Lambs. I enjoyed it especially the repartee between ambitious senator (played by Tom Cruise) and veteran journalist at moral crossroads (ever dependent Meryl Streep). The political drama was heavy on dialogues. Actually felt like a radio drama. But nonetheless, I love listening to the various viewpoints of the characters as they convey their stance on the on going Iraqi war. The film left me thinking how complex this war has turned out to be and that although the troops withdrawal are populously desired, it may not neccesarily be desired at every fronts. What it shows however is how this war has change us and our beliefs. It also show how the war can be an instrument to the power that be and how at the end of it all, it is the always the every day person that suffers. No matter how we try to intellectualize it, its implications is all too bloody real and tragic.

War brings out the human consiousness in us. Patriotism, moral courage, dissillusion, apathethic, moral dilemma and manipulation. It shows how vulnerable we are and how despite learning from history, it will continue to repeat itself till the end of time. I wonder whether Is it in us to have the instinct to fight in order to survive? Why can't we just learn to get along? I supposed Allah knows human beings weakness all too well when He said about destruction on earth.

So what can I learn from this film? That each of us has a choice to make and no matter what our choice is, it will affect others and even if we choose not to do anything, we are still apart of it. For me, the choice that I will make vis a vis to the war is to be a better Muslim; to learn about Islam and practice what Rasullulah SAW teaches. That would be the hope I give to others around me or after me. To do the right thing to correct a wrong one. Disagreeing with the war and remains blase is no better than agreeing or even worse participating in it. But to living my life rightfully in accordance to the prophet's teachings and examples is a step closer towards an improved existence and better life.

dear diary

2007-11-04T21:01:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 3:30 am this morning to get ready to report for KL SQ102. I think I was only half asleep last night. In fact, I woke up at 2 am to pee and then lie back on my bed again. I skipped doing yoga fearing not much time to prepare. After doing my Isya' and tahajud, I ironed my uniforms and prepared breakfast. By then it was 5:05 am. I quickly changed into my unforms and wolfed down breakfast into my system. I can't work without breakfast or having a meal. My cab was already waiting downstairs. I didn't share with anyone.

My KL was dreamlike; unreal, really. The load was really light. On the way up was 9 for PCL and 99 for EYCL. On the way back was even better; 0 for PCL and only 34 for EYCL. I don't feel like I am actually working. More like just just got paid for opening and closing the doors. Ok, so this is just one of the good days. And the best part it is Sunday. I reached Singapore at 9:30am. I changed and sat in Starbucks over decaf herbal tea (yucky!), a banana and my left over roast chicken sandwich. After mulling through pages of The Star, The Edge, B M and Sunday Times, I leisurely walked down to tthe basement and take the bus back home.

Today, the combination of fatigue, increased in my nafs and inability to sleep is potent to arouse my desire. I felt weak and compelled to 'release' myself. I avoid thinking unnatural scenerios to get myself excited. I know that I should be fasting more in order to curb my nafs. But at that moment, i really think that I need to get it out of my system quickly. After that I went for lunch at the coffeeshop. Ate a rather big plate of Nasi Padang. Came back home and like a big fat lazy cat, I fell asleep. (So not a smart thing to do but heck it, I was just so damn tired!).

I finally woke up almost at 7 pm. Frankly I felt lousy (who wouldn't after sleeping with a heavy lunch). I showered and did my Maghrib. Then I recited several pages of Quran before preparing dinner. Dinner was a nice gourmet plate of salad with shredded roast chicken. I put many stuffs into my salad (mesclun, cherry toamatoes, japanese straw and shitake mushrooms, fresh corn, alfafa sprouts, crushed cashews, grated carrots and finely cut cabbage. Then I top it up with the ever so tasty -but high in sodium- Japanese dressing which I mixed it up with toasted seseame seeds). Aah, it was really good. I will take a picture to prove it.

I am actually re-discovering sandwiches and salads. They are so easy to whipped and not to mentioned portable and healthy. In fact, I was actually goggling for salad dressings, salads and sandwiches recipes earlier. I got some of my all time favourites like NYC Philly Cheesesteak sandwich (Drooling!), a variety of Japanese dressings (ginger, onions, sesame, yizu), honey mustard (I need to put some oil and lemon too!) and teriyaki chicken sandwich. I am planning to try making 3 different dressing each week and bottle it up in the fridge. Also, I like to experiment with different types of sandwiches recipes when I come back from CPH. The thought of being able to experiment and whipped delicious sandwiches and salads excite me! Good bye crappy aircraft food! Hello gourmet and healthier choices!

And while I am at it, I am tempted to make my own break as well. I have been thinking about this for a while. But if I would be eating sandwiches on regular basis from now on, making my own bread will be a natural extension of it. Just think about it! I will be able to make and eat my own bread. I can put anything I want; all the different types of grains and dried fruits! I can even put protein powder if I like! And, furhter more, I can give others my bread when I meet them as gifts! The joy of cooking and sharing! I am getting all excited over this like a housewife (God, this is scary!). But it opens up a world of possibilities for me. I need to read more on breadmaking. If all goes well, I will buy a breadmaker. Let see what happen from there (Maybe an icream maker too? Huh??).

The idea of making things from your own two hands is just appealing to me. Nothing beats the feeling of making and eating homemade food. I am getting sick of eating outside. The food is getting terrible. The worst part is it is usually not nutritious and expensive. I am not even going to start on airlines 'cuisine'. People are paying high fares for toxic food. They are usually ladened wwith msg and sugar. God knows what else. Hence, from now onewards I am through with eating food from the aircraft. I will bring my own, insya'allah.

The time now is 10:15pm. I am going to bed so that I can wake up early tommorow to do my Day 2 gym and quran recitation. I am flying off to CPH tommorow night. I hope that I can fall asleep during the day. I hate night flights!

lepak at bussorah street

2007-11-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

I sat for the first time at Bussorah street with Alvin today. We had teh tarik and ate Roti John and Satay Kajang. The weather was perfect and we talked alot, as usual. Alvin is going to file divorce from his cheating wife and he plans to get into the ministry. I really admired his leap of faith. But he reiterated that going into the ministry has been long time coming. In fact, he says that he had the calling to serve God and save souls since he was young. I encourage him to explore the option because that is the only way to find out. He wondered out loud if God had plan this all along for him; going from a circular life of materialism, working in SQ, getting married, and now finally exiting married life to be communing with God. I for one just listen and try not to contradict him. I respect his decision and as a friend that is all there is require of me.

Alvin and me go a long way back in SIA. I was supposed to join him (we went to the same interview) but it was only a year later I got the job. I didn't know him when we were in airlines. But we workout in the same gym (Planet Fitness) and we became friends from there. It is strange that I have never really anticipated that our friendship can last till today but the common ground that hold us together is religion.

Alvin is Catholic and we often discuss religious issues vis-a-vis to the current affairs. It is not everyday that I can find someone that shares similar interest; although I must admit that he tends to generalise matters. This is where sometime I disagree or at least try to persuade him to see alternative view points. Butt for the most part, I try to find common ground. Initially I do have my reservations on talking about religion as I didn't want to be taking sides or instigate conflict between us. But I also remember that Al Quran teaches me to be tolerant of differences and to avoid debating in religious matters. Hence, I drew the line when comes to comparing religion. I avoid from saying Christianity is wrong or deviant and I also prevent myself from claiming Islam to be the right religion above everything else.

The reason I do so is to avoid hurting his feelings and I felt that despite all the discussion that we had, my knowledge of Islam is very insignificant. Hence, in conversing I try to reconcile the similarities that Islam and Christianity possess instead of looking for divergence. If there ever a situation where Islam is being question and I am not able to answer it there, I will simply walk away (and try to to find out more later) and leave to Allah, insy'allah. But underneath it all all religions teach its believers to be good human beings. Besides, I am fortunate to have him as my friend as I learn too about Christianity.

Of course in my heart, I pray that Allah gives Alvin the hidayah. But as a Muslim that is rediscovering my own religion, I am also trying to learn more and be a better person. It is getting more essential than ever that I priorities my life right. I have not much time left. Ok, that do sounds a little dramatic. But when I really think about it, I really dont have much time left. Life on earth is test and is fleeting. I am already 32. I sometime wonder how long more can I exist? Another 1 year? 5? 10? 30?

Speaking of life duration, we actually talk about this whole media talk that assured us we will be living till the ripe old age of 80. According to statistics people today is projected to live longer due to better health care system, better diet, advance in technologies. Are we REALLY? And for WHO these messages are targeted at exactly? Modern living may have improve the quality to live but it also ladened with increasing negative implications like divergence of wealth distribution, depression, sudden and mysterious deaths, family and marital disintegration. Besides, only Allah knows how long we will continue breathing. No one can acertain the time we adjourn on earth.

Hence, when I think about it, I realize that getting my priorities right is absolutely neccesary. The Chinese has a word for it, Kiasu (or scared to lose). In that respect, yes I am afraid to lose; of the opportunity to do the right thing in this one chance. Gandhi said to change others, we got to first start with ourselves. Be the change. In order to do that, we first need to get an education. The question is what kind of education?

I read on a banner in the National Library earlier that the purpose of life is to leave behind something that will outlast it. What a wonderful and profound quote. This quote reminds me of what Quran says about what truly matters when we die. Three things will benefit the dead. First is the good deeds that he has done. Two, the useful knowledge that he shared and left with others. And three, the prayers of his pious children.

Hence Iam asking myself these questions: What do I want to leave behind when I die? What seeds do I need to sow now in order to reap the fruits of my labour? Having learnt about the causes of my family problems, what steps can I take now to make a change of directions in how I am going to live my life and the people of the next following generations? These are big questions.

mental clarity reawakens

2007-10-28T17:30:00.000+08:00

I am experiencing mental clarity which had eluded me for a long time. Never had I feel a sense of calm and emotional control like this before. I feel relax and for the first time, my self esteem improved and I am able to talk to myself and ignore negative thoughts derived from my own mind. I am focusing on the present moment and my senses felt reawaken. It is totally rejuvenating. Sounds like the fan blowing, the constant pitter patter of the rain outside, the purring of the car's engine, the exciteable voices around me. They all beckons. Yet, internally, I am able to 'listen' to my own voice interacting with my own self; having a conversation. I used to have this when I was younger. But years of doubts, negative thoughts, anger, resentment and frustrations clouded my internal dialogue. Mentally I was shrouded with flashes of random and seemingly unrelated yet negative thoughts. Thought of 'what ifs', 'what' could haves', 'what will others think of me' and other unproductive thoughts.

Since the beginning of the week, I started a daily yoga routine. Upon waking up, I drink two glasses of warm water and then do the routine. I feel terrific afterwards, allahadullilah! My mind and body feels lighter. I don't feel stressed out. The Yoga poses seems to be helping me emotionally. Negative emotions like sadness and loneliness seems to have gone away. I feel more confidence and emotionally balance. I stop worrying what others think or perceived of me. My mind focus on the present moment. My breathing is deeper and hence that helps me relax.

According to Yogaforbeginners.com, yoga provide both preventive and theraputic benefits. Among the many physical benefits are it improves flexibility, relieves chronic stress patterns and muscle joint mobility. While mentally, yoga it increases body awareness; relaxes the mind; centers attention and sharpens concentration.

In addition, the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuroscience in India conducted new studies which have shown a high success rate—up to 73 percent—for treating depression with sudharshan kriya, a pranayama technique taught in the U.S. as "The Healing Breath Technique."

According to Stephen Cope, a psychotherapist and author of Yoga and the Quest for the True Self, hatha yoga's postures improve mood by moving energy through places in the body where feelings of grief or anger are stored.

Also in www.overcominganxiety.org, the author wrote that many techniques in yoga like meditation, breathing techniques, different positions of body called as asanas etc bring out of the icy jaws of depression. Yoga has been found to trigger and increase Alpha and Theta waves, which are responsible for relaxation and nice dreams.

Yoga also helps in the release of the cortisone hormone, which most of the time acts as an anti depression agent. As and when this hormone is produced, the effects of depression are almost always reversed. Yoga works as an anti depression agent. This is because yoga relaxes the body and mind and hence promotes good health both mentally and physically. Doing it on regular basis will produce the best results. Hance, I must involve it in my regular routine life.

I have been wanting to do yoga for a while. Thought of signing up for classes. But it is not convenience and expensive. Two weeks ago, I bought 3 dvds from Border. It costed me $33. It comes in Basic, Relaxation and Toning. I am doing the exercises from Basic now. Initially I feel uncomfortable and ackward. But as days go by, the movements became familiar. My body is also adapting well to the stretches. I try to put efforts in my breathing. It is like an active form of meditation.

In addition, to doing daily yoga, I just completed reading a book (well done! Allahamdullilah). It is the first book that I have finish in a long time. It is called The Islamist. A biography of a real life Muslim Extremist, it is illuminating as it is bewildering to learn about the many facets of Islamic extremism. I didnt know it can be so complex. But thankfully through the first hand experience and sharp observation of the author, he manage to explain the labyrinth of Islamism succintly.

I just realize that I enjoy reading biographies more than fiction books. The books that I have read and completed were mostly biographies like Lance Armstrong It's Not About The Bike, Amy Tan's semi-biographical The Opposite of Fate and on Prophet Muhammad SAW. I reckon that I should continue reading more biographies of individuals especially those that have left a mark in history.

I also started re-reading Al-Quran. This time around, I am reading more pages each time. Sometime it can be at as many as 20 pages, masha'allah. Just three years ago, I couldnt have imagine I would be able to accomplished that much less to recite smoothly. But Allah has made it easy for me to pick up Al-Quran again. In fact, this is only the beginning of my illustrious journey into Al-Quran. May I be able to practice the knowledge and be of benefit to my family, society and my self, insya'allah.

The one thing that I learnt from The Islamist is the statement made by the author's lecturer when he was lost in jungle of Islamism. His lecturer advised him that if he wanted to change the world, he needs to first get an education. This statement is glued to my mind. I am myself in a crossroad of my own life. It has been more than three years since I gave up homosexuality. The time has come for me to embark on my own education; an education so important that it will set the course of my future life. I intend to take up Islamic studies with PERGAS, insya'allah next January.

In order to improve my life and the people around me, I need to learn about Islam properly. I said properly as in right way. Learning sporadically in mosques do not equipped me with adequate knowledge. Neither do just learning from reading books. I need proper guidance. I need to surround myself with relgious people. In learning Islam, I can then use my many travel to reflect and connect with what I learn. These experiences will hopefully deepen my understanding and fuel my interest to learn even more, insya'allah.

As far as marriage and job vocation are concerned, I let Allah choose and decide for me. In due time, when the time is right, may He show me the right person and right job. As Ivy, the inflight supervisor I flew with yesterday shared with me her pearl of wisdom. You may want the promotion but it may not be the right time yet. Hence, in meantime, I will try to be patience and learn as much as I possibly can, insya'allah. May Allah always guide me and have me in His watchful care.@

selamat hari raya

2007-10-25T09:20:00.000+08:00

It has been two weeks since Hari Raya. How the time flies. I spent Hari Raya at Yishun with my family. Hari Raya is incraesingly becoming a quiet affair for me. But this year I decided to make things a little different. I joined my parent to visits my relatives. Ayah brought back his company panel van for the weekend. It is not exactly the poshest vehicle but it gets us around pronto. That is what matters. I am just happy that we don't have to spend hours waiting for cabs.

On the first day, we visited the usual suspects; all our known relatives. Which are not many to begin with. We started with Nenek Gemuk. Datuk was having fever. Nenek just had a fall downstairs a few days earlier. Her right eyes were swollen. I have to say one thing about their house though. It look spotless and brand new. It just never fail to amaze me how nenek can keep that big house clean and spruced up. Despite not being mobile, she continue to keep the house in perfect order. Those years working as a maid to an English family must have something to do with it.

Then we visited Nenek Nab at Kallang. Everyone was there except the Amir and his brother. We spent a while talking and eating. Ayah did most of the talking as usual. I kept quiet and prefer to listen instead. I think all these visit is good for ayah whom spend most of the year at home with no social life. Yes it can be quite exhausting listening to him talking non stop. He is born with an Energiser battery installed. He can quite literally talks on hours on end oblivious to everyone's dismay. I am slowly but hopefully eventually learning to adapt to his behaviour. I kept telling myself, especially when I get tensed "Stop Reacting !" Especially when he go on and on talking incessantly over the same old pet subjects with such authority. But I also knows that talking keeps him sane. Hence, I stay away from competing for his spotlight. Besides my relatives seems to enjoy his company. So, I just let it be.

The first night ended with a visit to Cik Esah at Bedok. We arrived there quiet late. Ayah finally met his match with Cik Esah's equally chatty husband. For the most part, I stayed in Rahman's room talking about our unit trust portfolio and the economy. He was keen to buy a condo for a quick investment and was asking whether I would be interested. I am keen to buy a property but not at this moment. However, I told him I would be happy to tag along the next time he visit a show room. I never visited a condo showroom before.

The second day we visit other relatives like mak's adopted father Jasuki, our old neigbour (I can't recall her name but she across to Muz), Maman and Cik Mon. Affter that we came back home. I was tired. The one thing I cannot understand is that I usually couldn't sleep peacefully at Yishun. I am such a light sleeper and it didn't help that the house is always noisy. Hence it is no surprise that I always yearn for my bed after a few days away.

I realize that I actually enjoy doing all these visitings. It is wonderful to meet old relatives, neighbours and friends and to catch up with their lives. Some of these people are dear friends of mak and ayah. It is always wonderful to learn about their history with them. In some ways I learn a little more about my parents and where they are coming from. In fact, during this Ramadhan while I spent a few days at Yishun, I learnt a little more about mak's childhood and her life. Over our many meals during sahur, we chatted and mak gladly shared with me many nuggets of life stories about this person and that person. It is the first time that I actually learn about the many relationships of my so called relatives. It is interesting to learn about the people of the past and to know how their lives have evolved.

Listening to her stories made me understand and appreciate not only mak but also make me slowly digest about my own life. It is making me relaize slolwy of how my existence come into being. I don't mean that in pure biological manner but as a whole individual. As I am looking at both mak's and ayah's childhood and family background, I am beginning to see a clearer picture of who I am.

“In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.” - Jiddu Krishnamurthi

“Make a proper investigation first. Proper investigation is good for a well-known person like yourself.” - Buddha

the calling

2007-10-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

How do one discover his calling in life? How do Prophet Muhammad SAW, Lance Armstrong, Barrack Obama, Mother Theresa, Florence Nightingale, Helen Keller and many others find their true calling? For one thing the calling must serve as an answer or at least a solution to the one elusive question which is: what is my purpose in life?. If one is to listen to everybody (which includes the obstrusively influential media), we could be convince that our primary existence is to consume and help the economy. Questions such as finding the meaning of life sounds so abstract and big that many would think such a question is irrelevant in the first place. To live is to consume; its synonymous as one writer said. If consuming is indeed our primary vocation on earth, then please someone tell me why are Singaporeans (which is one of the highly consuming societies) rated recently to be the least contented people the world? Surely there must be huge discrepancy in that theory.

For me, discovering my purpose is to align myself with the purpose of life in Islam. That means to find ways to learn, understand and live the principles of Islam. It means to start a new culture which can have legacy. As I look into my life and my family, it occurred to me how important planting the right seed is. For from that humble seed, given the right nurturing, it can grow into a healthy tree extending its branches and shade. But if it’s foundation is made up of weeds, it can also grow but destroy everything in its path.

Such is the importance of right leadership. No wonder it is not easy to be a leader. Yet, Allah created us to be the khalifah or ambassador on earth; to spread His message and do good to others. To be an effective leader, one must be equip with knowledge. Having knowledge is not enough. One must practice it and impart the knowledge to his family. He got to walk the talk. That is the hardest part. He must practice patience, humility and steadfastness in order to accomplish his mission here.

My family has disintegrate to the level that it is today because effective leadership was absence from the start. There was no love and warmth between us. Wealth building has estranged our relationship. What is the point of a big family when there are no relationship? We might as well be strangers.

Today, I have the opportunity to correct the situation that I am suffering from. I can continue like this in the blind of ignorance and take the path of least resistance or make a change. It must start with me. And to change, I need knowledge. I need to new maps. I need new strategies.

"I want to lead an Islamic life with my family. I want to practice what I learn. I want my family to love and share. I want them to be compassionate. I want them to communicate with each other. I want to have a small business that can involve my family and brings us closer to Allah. I want us to pray and recite Quran together. I want learning to be the mantra of our life. I want Islam to be centre of our lives. I want us to go out together every weekend. I want us to eat together everyday. I want to go home to a house that is filled with love and care. I want each of us to be the best that we can be. I want us to prosper through cultivating the habit of regular investing. Money and everything else is a tool which can be used to achieve a greater cause: to be closer to Allah."

When I look at the tree across Darul Makmur mosque the other night, it suddenly hit me how important it is for me to begin a new culture in my family. That even though my life here is brief and I may not live to see the fruits of my intention, at least I leave this world a better place; one where my great, great, great grandchildren can enjoy in a loving and safe family environment. It would be in my hope that they will not have to suffer as I have.

“But whoever turns away from the Quran, he will have a hard life, and We will raise him up blind on the Day of Judgment.” (Quran 20:124)@

do what you love

2007-10-07T00:14:00.001+08:00

All this time that I have bitching about not liking my job. Now, I am beginning to take a step forward. I am going to take up a 6 months cooking course.

I have been contemplating about this since last year when I saw the course. But time and again, I procrastinate. what would I to do with it? Am I planning to be a cook? So many reasons. Unfounded reasons. I do not need a valid reason to take up this course expect for one important thing: I like to cook. So, go, join and have fun. Too many time I have to find the right reason to do things. It's exhausting being me. For once in my life, I like to do things because it gives me joy and also cooking is a vital survival skill. What other reasons are there?

Of late, I have been missing mak's cooking especially when I am on a long flight. Increasingly too good authentic Malay food is getting harder to get. All around Singapore, you get sanitized version of the Malay food in the many generic food courts. I am troubled by this. I realized that I got to do something to preserve this important part of the tradition. I dont want to see the day when I wish that Mak is still around or that this favourite place of mine still exist just to eat my favourite dishes. It would be a sad thing. Mak has so many recipes which I think is worth sharing. I like to take this situation in my own hands and learn how to cook properly so that I can continue cooking for others and enjoy what I like to eat. Can you imagine not able to eat soto ayam, mee siam, nasi lemak, hainanese chicken rice, mee goreng, lontong goreng, bamyia, roti girai? I can't. Despite my high protein diet, I still like to be able to whip up these dishes. I don't to depend on others. It will never be the same.

The 6 months cooking course at Jamiyah will start from 16 Oct. The course is conducted twice a week for three months. Then I will have to go for an attachment for another three month at my own time. It will require a little sacrifice on my part though. I have to be prepared to give away my flight for the next three months in order to attend the classes.

It is indeed going to hurt my pocket a little. But I in the long run, it would be worth it because I have always wanted to to take it up. Its a only a small sacrifice. I have to hone it. I have been cooking informally since I was a kid. I think it would be a great learning opportunity. Who knows? I might open up my own restaurant. (Actually I wanted to say a food stall!).

Also, after my attachments at jamiyah Home for the Aged, I like to explore the idea if I can volunteer to cook there during my off days. It would of course be a hands on learning experience. And, I get to do some amal jariah. If I take up the course now, I will have the time to take up the Islamic course next year. I think it is high time that I start to explore my interest with more focus. The most important thing is I like to learn I enjoy doing. It will be interesting where it leads me to.

a letter of introduction

2007-10-04T00:24:00.000+08:00

I wrote my self introduction to StraightStruggles group that I joined. It is rather lengthy. Here is the entire script:

"Assalamualaikum everyone

Thank you for reading my introduction. I found out about this support group when I read an article in Islam Online about a brother's story on his journey in addressing his sexuality. It moved me to know that this 'problem' is faced by many around the world. The reason that i sign up is share with others about my situation as well as to seek support with like minded brothers in our quest to address this diffficulty, in light with Quran teachings. May Allah show us always to the right path and give us strenght.

I am 32 years old. I am from Singapore. I have been struggling with this issue since I was 10. I grew up in family where I didn't have a strong male figures to guide or protect me. My mum was submissive in nature and overprotective. My dad on the other hand was very ego centric, chauvistic and often use verbal and physical abuse as forms of disciplinary measure. I have an older brother but we were never close growing up. He would often bully me and distant himself away from me at school.

I have always felt that I am different, even as a child. I was an introvert, never identify with the boys at school. I was a little effiminate and likes to mix with the girls. As such, my dad and brother sometimes ridiculed and mocked me. I tried to be like everybody but I just couldnt bring myself up to like football or other sports. Instead, I was quite artistic and prefered the performing arts and writing as forms of self expression.

My family never display affection towards each other. Stifling and repression are words to describe life at home growing up. Life at home was very regimented. We had to shave our heads bald from Primary 1 to 6. My dad will be yelling and banging our doors every single morning to wake us up at 5:30am to pray. He will often reminded us of the deceased people that we know if we display signs of refusal. ("Where is your great grandfather now?", " Where is Haji Man?"). We were terrorized all our childhood. There was no such thing as privacy. I was embarrased to bring friends home even during Eid. (My friend was
asked whether she had prayed when she call me at home once!).

My dad has a warp way of seeing things where Islam is concerned. Every thing that we do is always haram. Music is haram (He once threaten to melt the trumpet I brought back from school to practice!). Crying is unmanly. Laughing is not allowed. Anger is also forbidden. We were practically emotionally bound. We can't read the newspaper until my dad has 'censor' it. Newspaper often comes with alot of holes (all the sexy pictures cut away, of course!). It is funny now when I think about it:-) . But not back then.

He often use Islam as a leverage to control us. He often use guilt and humiliation to make us ashame of ourselves. I remember hating living at home. I couldn't be myself. It was miserable. I escape through getting involve in theatre at school. It was an avenue of self and emotional expression that I was grateful for.

I first realize my attraction towards male was when I started thinking of the action superheroes like Superman and Robin Hood. I have no clue why but strenght and masculinity attracted me. Perhaps it was, at a psychological level, to compensate for my lack of these qualities then. Interestingly though my first crush was with a girl in my class. I remember felling in love for the first time but I could never muster the confidence to act on it.

Due to my family problems, I was always grappling with self esteem issue. I couldnt identify qualities with being a man. Due to not having a positive strong male role model, lack of male friends and no relationship with a girl, I became lost in trying to figure out who or what I was. I didn't have the 'typical' manly qualities like other boys. I admired my classmates that was manly and good looking. These admiration didnt stem out of sexual need but rather because due to my lack of self confidence I wish I was like them.

Slowly when hormones kicked in, I started to explore my sexuality via the media and the internet. When I started to discover gay culture, I thought that this must be who I am. At that point, my faith in Islam has laxed. This is attributed to the way my dad has made us feel about the religion. I hated the religion. I hated the fact that I couldnt express myself at home. Everyone is a brickwall. Any problems was shoved under the carpet. Nobody dared to express emotions. My dad kept bossing us around; often asking us to get the heck out of the house. It was always his way or no way at all. I felt trapped.

Joining the airlines was my ticket out of this whole wreck. I thought that my family relations could do with a little breathing space. Two years after the army, I got in and worked as a flight attendant. It was ok for awhile but old habits die hard. My dad still persisted in his domeneering ways. He often felt threatened by my increasing influence over my mum. After one huge fight, I finally left home at 21. That was the beginning of me exploring homosexuality.

Not having any guidance at all, I started to make gay friends and develop gay friendships through the internet. It felt natural to talk with them. I felt a strange but stroke a familiar chord. After a a while, I started to develop 'relationships'. At the this same time, my relationship with my family deteriorated. I was always busy pursuing my interests when I was not working. I stopped praying all together because I didnt want to feel like a hypocrite (Perhaps subconsciously I knew what I was doing then was wrong).

All this time, I kept moving from one place to another. Through the years I have stayed no less than 8 homes. One of the house that I stayed belonged to a gay couple. In retrospect, I think I rented the room at their flat to have a peek of what life is like to be gay. I was not impressed. I didnt like what I see. Life as I observed was a matter of living to the fullest without any sense of morality. It was just party and sex. After just three months I moved out. Incidentally that was the shortest tenure of all my rents.

All my relationships didnt last long. The longest and the last one was almost a year. All this time that I was living this life, I notice something in me. I was always restless. I often woke up with panic attacks. Outwardly, I didnt have any particular problems . But inside I knew something is not right. I kept thinking "There must be more to life than this". I was not satisfied with what gay life was offering me. At the end of my final relationship, I shared with my friend how I felt. I even had recurring dreams of me with children. I didnt know what it meant then. But I knew one thing: I got to find out what was troubling me. After much thought, I decided I break off my relationship. It was difficult for both of us.

At this point of my life, I almost had a break down. Besides my day job as a flight attendant, I was pursuing my degree, taking up other interests like writing and side projects. Mentally I was on overload. I decided to stop everything except my job of course. I opened up to a close friend about my situation and she offered me an advice: Start praying. Things will start from there. I did just that.

Slowly, I try to find information on how to break free from the shackles. I read Islam Online. I followed their advice and start cut off all my friendships with gay friends that I developed with. It was diffficult because some of them were close to me. I felt lonely at times (I still do). But that was what I wanted.

Three years on and I still face the struggles. It was be a lie to say that my attraction has recede. When I get depressed or lonely, I do look at naked pictures or porn on the net. I felt weak alot of time. When I get really lonely, the urge to call back my ex surged. But time and again, I stop myself from going backwards. It also didnt help that my job makes temptation easily accessible. But allahamdullilah I do managed to avoidsituations where I will be compromise. There are times when I feel like I am on top of my nafsu. There are also time when I feel beaten up and think all my efforts are pointless. I am still working on this struggle and it is tough at times.

One thing that is apparent is I no longer experience the restlessness and heart 'aches' anymore. I do get depressed over being stagnant but the worrries and panic attacks are gone, Allahamdullilah!. I pick up Quranic reading shortly after I broke off and have been taking it up eversince. I loves reciting the quran and that is the one thing that gives joy to my heart.

When I am faced with my struggle, I am reminded through the Quran that life is struggle and that Allah tests His servant differently to know who is sincere. Allah reaches us differently. Some may have cancer. Others may be poverty stricken. Some may be blind. The point is whatever ills that fell upon us are test. Life on earth is not an end in itself. It is not just about getting married and have family. Yes, we should strive for it because it would be ideal to follow the prophet's sunnah. But we also must face reality and respect our own capaciity because our lives and circumstances are unique.

We shouldnt be bogged down by it till we forget to see the bigger picture. That to serve and remember Allah. That is the purpose of life. To clense ourselves constantly and ask Allah for forgiveness despite our fallacy. That is because we are created weak in the first place and Allah acknowledge that in the Quran. Hence test is Allah's way of calling us to Him.

It would be indeed be futile to keep blaming Allah because there would be no end. Rather, a better and saner approach to deal with this is to learn self acceptance and work towards reconciling ourselves to Islam. At the end of the day when I die, I am sure Allah will not penalise me for being who I am but because of the efforts i make to follow His decree. He is all forgiving and compassionate. We must believe that.

So in closure my brothers I leave you with these 4 ayats to ponder and remind everyone including myself that whatever that we are going through is temporary and a test from Allah. It is not an end in itself. Last but not least, thank you for reading my lengthy introduction. Hopefully through mutual support and motivation in this group we can foster care and friendship to deal with this difficulty and live life rightfully despite the struggles, insya'allah"

1. "You shall certainly be tried and tested in your wealth and properties and in your personal selves, and you shall certainly hear much that will grieve you from those who received the Scripture before you (Jews and Christians) and from those who ascribe partners to Allah, but if you persevere patiently, and become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious - see V.2:2) then verily, that will be a determining factor in all affairs, and that is from the great matters, (which you must hold on with all your efforts)" - Surah Al-Imran; Verse 186);

2. "O you who believe! Allah will certainly make a trial of you with something in (the matter of) the game that is well within reach of your hands and your lances, that Allah may test who fears Him unseen. Then whoever transgresses thereafter, for him there is a painful torment. - Surah Al-Maedah; Verse 94;

3. “wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds (five compulsory prayers, deeds of Allahs obedience, good and nice talk, remembrance of Allah with glorification, praises and thanks, etc.), that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope." - Surah Al-Kahf, chapter 18; Verse 46 and

4. "Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned." - Surah Al-Baqarah; Verse 286

Regards,
NescafeRegular :-)

malaise

2007-10-02T21:39:00.000+08:00

IT HAS BEEN MONTHS SINCE I PLACE AN ENTRY. I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING OR FELT THAT THERE WAS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. But today, i decided to say something. I am experiencing a rather dull state of mind. A sense of non existence, whatsoever. Life is just going to work, sleep in strange hotel rooms, eating even stranger foreign food and feeling sorry for my life. I know I should be grateful for a lot of things. Mak reminded me sweetly that there are many people that are starving when I complained to her about the bland uninspiring Italian food I got to stomached everyday for the last whole week. Yes, many people in the world are starving. Point taken. The tasteless Aglio Olio pasta I ordered daily for dinner never looked more appetizing since.

The fact of the matter I am in a state of malaise. I think something is amiss (I wanted to say wrong but its not appropriate) when you start avoiding contact with people; when staying in bed all day seems like the most (the only) desirable thing to do; when you just don't have the slightest enthusiasm to explore the fashion capital of the world (when everyone else in the world is dying to get there). Instead all you ever do is wallow into yourself and wish that you have another different life. Something is amiss.

It is either I have lost all my sense of enthusiasm or I am suffering from burnt out-and more. The thing I like about myself is my ability to reflect and analyse my life and situation. Call that a gift but I think merely reflecting and analysing hardly can remove this cloud over my head. But it's a start.

Ramadhan is going to be over soon, next week. I have been suffering with all the travelling, irregular sleeping hours, sporadic meals and fasting. I think I have lost like more than 5 kgs. My year long hard earned muscles have become flaccid. Nonetheless, I am just glad to take a break from pumping iron. My body suffered from year long battering. In fact, prior to fasting, I was suffering from lower back ache. But come next week, I plan to get back to the gym. I will also implement a new training system-periodization. I hope periodization will allow me to develop a well round physique without burning me out prematurely.

Still, lets get back to the earlier topic of being in state of malaise. My life and days feel monotonous and empty. This is not a cry for help. It is just a observation. I can't recall the last time I look forward to do something, or feel fire in my belly about anything at all. It is like there is no end to this tunnel and I cannot summon the will to get out of this darkness. This saddens me ever more. I feel like I am trap and there is no use of even trying to escape. That is what I am feeling right now.

I am well aware that these are signs of depression. The point I am trying to say is life has lost its colour. Everything is in shades of grey. But I really do want to change that. I read a column in Her World today as I was waiting for my hair cut that there are few ways to deal with burnt out. One is to change your job and do something else. Second, find fullfillment through religion or charity. Third, take a break and go for vacation. Forth, upgrade your skills and quit your job. Finally, seek balance between your personal, work and family relationships.

One thing is I know I don't like my job. I mean my job is non consequential and task oriented. I do not get to exercise my organisional skills. I don't get to employ my creativity. It is getting more frustrating by the day. There is no job satisfaction whatsoever. Yes, it pays me well. But that's about it. Then there's environment of my job. I got to constantly be friendly with people that I do not know. I hate that. There is no emotional attachment. I am constantly dealing with people but without any form of lasting relationship or friendship.

I hate the jet setting lifestyle, truth be told. I hate to be mobile and eating bland tasteless and expensive food. Most people in my job is so obsess about shopping. It's like there are no diversity in interest in these people. If it's not shopping, its gossiping about the trivilalities of life, sports (football...urrrg!!). Life is more than all this nonsense. Burma is trying to break free from shackles of the Junta and its military regime. Iran and the western superpowers are engaged in a game of political chess. The US sub-prime fiasco is slowly infecting the world economy like a plague. And Singaporeans are hot and heavy over the proposed goverment implemented annuities come 08. Yet, all these people can think of is cheap Gucci bags or latest Louis Vitton collection.

If I could just indulge for a minute what my ideal life would be like it would be something like this: To start my own small business which involve something that I love like my mum's Malay food. Is should involve my family (something that brings us together). I could apply my organizational and creativity skills. At the same time, I could grow into the community that I am serving. I would get to know my neighbourhood; fostering relationship with them. I can start small like western stlye (Starbucks' influenced deco) Malay food where I focus more on take aways. Slowly, over time as I gather my skills and experience, I open a slightly bigger business. But family is the whole focus. Genuine Malay food is slowly but surely disappearing. It would be a wonderful tradition to continue. The money that I earned will be reinvested into the business and also a portion of it will be invested in funds and other investing vehicles. I think doing your own things allow you to grow as a human being. I am not saying its easy. But the longer I stay in a job which I don't care, the more apathethic I become. But when you are responsible for your job, you are forced to learn new things all the time. Mistakes making is neccesary component. What skills will I need in order to relaise this indulgence? Money is definitedly the first thing. Passion is an equally important factor, if not more important. Then comes other neccessary skills like basic cooking skills, people management skill, some basic accounting skill, driving skill. The point is I like to do something which I care about. Which I utilise my talents and inborn skills. This thing (or job) will be something that has the potential to bring my family together and can benefit others as well. It also allow us to grow and perhaps spring board to other related endevours as well, insya'allah. Right now I may not have something specific to nail but I do have some ideas of what it would be in terms of individual component of my vision. It is something that we all can go back to, feel belong and share. These values are what's missing in my life right now.

Whatever it is, this malaise that I am experiencing is definetely a signal for me to seriously ponder over my future endevour. It is not going to go away. This is is not the first time I am feeling depressed over my life. It has exist since I started flying. Ok, so in the first place I have not plan to be where I am now. I got onto this job because I want to escape dealing with all the family and personal issues I had back then. I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder.

But the past has a funny way of catching up with you no matter how hard you try to dodge. Is this malaise Allah's way of telling me that the time has time to move on and to what I am supposed to do? But what am I supposed to do? I told Anna over lunch the other day that this is not what I am supposed to do in life; that I got to find my purpose. It is a big question. Something which only Allah has the answer.

The Hour Approaches

2007-06-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

“And every nation has its appointed term; when their term is reached, neither can they delay it nor can they advance it an hour (or a moment).” - Surah Al-Araf, verse 34 and

“wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds (five compulsory prayers, deeds of Allahs obedience, good and nice talk, remembrance of Allah with glorification, praises and thanks, etc.), that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope.
- Surah Al-Kahf, chapter 18; Verse 46

Datuk fell earlier this week and was in coma. He was warded into Malacca hospital for chest pains. But shortly after he requested to be transferred to Singapore SGH. I visited him earlier. He is now a shadow of man he used to be; feebled and weak. His left eyes is swollen, recovering from the fall. But he was still strong enough to feed himself despite losing strenght.

As I looked at him and helped him cut his watermelon into bite sized pieces, my eyes just well with tears. Here is a man whom used to be strong and hot tempered. He was feared by his family. He beat up his children to discipline them. He was so thrifty that no one dared to asked him for money. He was good at building personal wealth; having amass a number of lands upon retirement. He worked hard to provide for the family.

Today, his hot temper is gone replaced by feebleness. But his mind still linger on money. We watched Chef Wan’s cooking program in Istanbul on TV. He commented how ‘good’ Chef Wan was. That he has ‘a lot of money’. He also asked how Hafidz is and that it is a pity that he has wasted a lot of money on the education (selling the house). There is no words of advise or warmth to any of his children. Has any of these thougths ever linger in his mind now that death could be moments away? Has he ever thoughts about how the family will fall apart when he is no longer around?

As I ponder through this thoughts, I can’t help but feeling sad. What Al-Quran says is true. That no matter how much wealth we amassed and/or how many children we bore, none can be of any used to us when we depart to the next journey of existence. Wealth and children are merely tools. And like any tools, it will bear fruits only if we utilised them properly, Looking at how disfrancised my family has become today makes me wonder whether has Datuk’s life been successful? Or will this be the beginning of torment for him in the next life? Only Allah knows that.

I wish he is aware of the pain that he has caused to the family. So that he will realised while he has been successfull in amassing wealth, he had also created a long history of psychological pain in his children from abused and fragmentation of relationships as a result of years of emotional neglect. It will take just as many years for the emotional wounds to heal; if not ever . Worst of all, when he passes, it will be a beginning of new era for the family feud as they tussle for their share of the wealth.

In the end, the question I am asking myself is. Has it been worth it? Has it been worth all 50 odd years of sacrifice of staying in a one room flat in Circuit Road; cramping 9 children into that tiny box? Has it been worth scrimping and saving to buy back all the land that was sold in the previous generation? Has it been worth it living all his life with a huge family only to see them disintegrated and becoming strangers; worst still being enemies fighting over the wealth? Has it been worth it living a life only to discover that none of what you own here can gurantees your safe passage into the hereafter? Worst still they could indeed be a hindrance to him in his next journey. Could he have done better?

As I look at Datuk, I am reminded again of how short journey life is. He has gone through all the stages of earthly life. He used to have dreams, ambitions and goals. I wonder what is his regrets? This is his time to pass to the next stage. So will I and the rest of every human beings. My question for myself is: "What can I learn from Datuk today so that I can benefit from his experiences and live my own life differently? "How can I make things right from the mistakes of the previous generation?.

“And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah.s favour on you; for ye were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, ye became brethren; and ye were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus doth Allah make His Signs clear to you: That ye may be guided.”;

“Let there arise out of you a band of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining what is right, and forbidding what is wrong: They are the ones to attain felicity.” and

“Be not like those who are divided amongst themselves and fall into disputations after receiving Clear Signs: For them is a dreadful penalty” – Surah Al Imran; Verses 103 to 105

Insya’allah…@

010107: What's Next?

2007-01-01T22:54:00.000+08:00

I slept through the new year.

04 Dec - A New Chapter

2006-12-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

THROWING THE TOWEL IS A LAST THING I WOULD DO, BUT SOMETIMES MAY BE THE ONLY OPTION TO TAKE. Honestly, I do not have the motivation to complete this degree. My drive is also not present. I am not going to make any excuses. The fact of the matter is I am no longer interested to do this. In the last couple of days, I have been worried sick over so many "what ifs" scenarios. I only realize; that the reason I am still trying to do this was because of fear. There are many reasons for this fear (many unfounded, really). But it took me sometime to actually analyze through all of them through its roots. I will reserve these analysis to myself. It would be suffice to just say that letting go of this will be an exercise of faith on my part; to leave to Allah on my future rezeki. For years, I have always try to cover bases before making decisions; just to be on the safe side. Only now I realize that in life, one sometime has to just let things be and pray to be shown the way.

I am not planning to switch career. I used to have that thought. That was the reason I decided to do this program. But after all the short media stints, I have a change of heart. The media is not the place for me. I have always wanted to write. Well, a degree would added credibility but hardly is it a prerequisite to getting published. I was just afraid and insecure. I was just trying to prove to everyone that I am a worthy person; that finally I am worth something. I know psychologically this sounds like ludicrous. It is.

So here I am. Facing this wall again. Should I climb over and face the a new world? Or should I just stay within the fences like most people thinking that it will be comfortable and "secured"?. Yes, I have spent some $17 thousand dollars. That is a lot of money. I have no idea if I may recoup that back. But to just continue this program on that account hardly gives me motivation. Perhaps this is Allah's way of talking to me. About what? I don't know. Perhaps this is not what I am meant to learn. No doubt, I am more aware of the world around me. But it don't mean that I am learned.

As strange as it may sounds, not completing this degree actually feels liberating. I am worried that it may be the biggest mistake I will be ever commit. Then again, I have hold back this decision over 3 years. My life hardly change a bit. If anything, this unfinished degree hangs over my head like a dark cloud continuously hovering without an end in sight. It is time for me to clear the skies.

I will write to the Uni tommorow on my decision. Then I will spend some time by myself to sort myself out. Prolonging this matter will only squeeze my energy levels. I hope to be learning things that matter to me personally.

24 Nov - More on Advice

2006-11-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

SEEMS LIKE I AM BETTER AT GIVING OTHER PEOPLE ADVICE THAN FOLLOWING MY OWN'S.Ok so I am not perfect. Nobody is. Anyhow, with regards to my life situation right now, it is best to divide them up into two categories - one which I am able to assert a control over and the other which I have no control what so ever. The former will include things like my job and how I approach it, my studies, my relationship with my family and what I enjoy doing. The latter will include what the world thinks about me, soal jodoh and my future work. Separating into these categories will allow me to see and evaluate matters that are within my own compounds and those that's arent. Why it is important? For my own sanity. Worrying over things that I have no clue about is not helping anything. It is just unnecesary energy spent. Rather, it would be a better idea to focus on what I can do to improve myself or do things that I enjoy. It's just imposssible to plan the future in minute details. A little spontaneity can be a good thing. It keeeps me off balance and teach me to think.

Also, instead of relishing on what I don't have, I got to start changing my aattitude on what I have and how I can better improve and appreciate things. Everything that is happening to me is Allaah's test. I just have to learn to accept it. Stop fighting within. It will create more resentment and frustration. I would like to connect with people sometime but at this present moment, it is not happening. There are many things I can do on my own and grow. I admit that I have many books to catch up. For now, when loneliness arise, stop it by changing what you are thinking. Use Psycho-Cybernetics. I also need to plan my day in order not to let depression sets in my system.

My main focus now till end of Dec is to complete ALL my advertising assignments while managing my low morale at work. I am going for a long vacation come January. For now, I just need to stay low and do not allow my negative feelings get in the way of my studies. Meditate daily to clear the clutter in my mind. Read the Quran to calm the resetless heart. Get good night sleep to counter to eroding energy levels. I will try not to be distracted by negative emotions or matters. Once Dec is over, go for a holiday and enjoy. Then I will plan for my comeback.

22 Nov - Advice on Demand

2006-11-22T21:56:00.000+08:00

JUST WHEN I WAS STUGGLING TO SWIM AGAINST THE TIDE OF PESSIMISM, SOMEONE THROW ME A LINE AND KEPT MY HOPE AFLOATS. What a pleasant surprise. A senior colleague I flew with recently gave me some food for my thoughts. He told me to hang on and never let my self respect go. Losing self respect will make one to do negative and stupid things. Always hold you head up and enjoy your job. The moment you stop enjoying what you do, it doesn't matter whether you are promoted or not. He emphatic with me; he was promoted very late in his early years in the company too. I just thanked him for those encouraging words. I am finding it hard to enjoy my work now. I think a part of not enjoying my job has got to do with my personal life. They are affecting me. Also, the fact that I have not had a vacation made it worse. My pessimism gnawed my self esteem like termites; today I just felt tired and in need to recharge my energy levels; not to mention my morale.

I need to get away from everything for a while. I want to go to a place where there is no malls, no frenzied traffic and no flats. Just nature and the simple life in the villages. I need to recalibrate with my inner self and find time to restore my inner balance. I am sensing increasing tension within my body. My sense of enthusiasm has lapsed. So has my energy. I am not looking forward to anything except -surprise, suprise - coiling in bed and reciting the Quran after a long day. I find spending time reading the Quran therapeutic. It feels like home.

I am aware that these are signs that I am burnt out. The problem with me is that I always keep pushing away time for myself. I am paying the price for that now. I got to learn to put myself first before everything else. By hook or crook, I am going for a long holiday come January. No laptops. No Ipods. Just me. I know that quitting my job in this state of mind is not the logical thing to do. While I like to do something else, jumping ship is not the answer. I think one of the things that is affecting me is my strong need to belong. I have a family but I don't feel like a family. Everyone is just thinking for themselves. There is no gathering or at least an open conversation among us. Everyone is afraid to be close to each other because they are scared that they haev to spend money.

How come did we end up like this, I wonder. Of course I know how we ended up like this. But coughing up the entire matter in this column will not solve anything. The problem goes back 3 generations back. It is only today are we feeling the brunt. Ignorance, selfishness, arrogance and greed are the reasons that we are suffering. Not adhering to the Quran is the primary reason why my family has decay to a pulp of isolation. I am paying the price and learning from it.

Having a loving and supportive family that follows Quranic teaching is what I like to work towards. Having someone to go back to and share your day with your family is perhaps the greatest escape one can run to. I longed for that dearly. But at this moment, I am grappling with loneliness and self doubts amidst physical isolation in a distant land sleeping in strange hotel rooms. Pretending to be communicating with strangers is not helping to alleviate this feeling either. If not, it just makes my longing for personal and spiritual stability even more. Enough of unfamiliarity. I want familiarity. I want to belong.

While I cannot change the behaviour of my family, I can start afresh a new culture in my family which I hope will reverse the effect of the past. This culture will have to start with the teachings of Quran. In addition, having a loving and understanding family are also vital for the development of this culture. A family without warmth and care will just produce a distance, isolation, resentment and assumptions. It is imperative for me to find a partner that shares this aspirations. Also, I like to inculcate being comfortable with having and managing money and to share it amongs each other. While money is important, it shouldn't be the basis of family relationship. I wish to change that culture.

In the meantime, I just need to hold on and make a lot od doa to Allah to show me the way.

16 Nov - Another Test ☃

2006-11-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

"You shall certainly be tried and tested in your wealth and properties and in your personal selves, and you shall certainly hear much that will grieve you from those who received the Scripture before you (Jews and Christians) and from those who ascribe partners to Allah, but if you persevere patiently, and become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious - see V.2:2) then verily, that will be a determining factor in all affairs, and that is from the great matters, (which you must hold on with all your efforts)- Surah Al-Imran; Verse 186)

I misread my roster. This time around for a midnight flight to Johannersburg. All the time, I thought I was reporting on Monday night. Turned out it was on the Monday morning itself at 00:55 hrs. I received a call from control at 01:10 hrs. Of course, I still wanted to do the flight. I told them that I would be there by 01:35 hrs. I jumped out of bed, iron my uniforms and packed my bags like I am fleeing the country at war. No time for thoughts. Just action, action, action.

Was I angry? Yes. Was I disappointed with myself? A big Yes. This is the third occurence in a year and I am looking forward to my well deserved 3 demerits point. What does this mean? I would not be liable for the next promotion drive and I would also not be receiving next year's company share allocation.

Ironic thing is that I was just thinking the other day that I need to remind myself to maintain my current record clean. The fact of the matter is that I didn't see this coming. If I had, I would not be late for the flight. I just have to accept the reality and move on. That did stop me from feeling depressed. For a moment there, my sense of self worth just dropped a few notches. I have been feeling a little stressed lately. Moreover, I have not been looking foward to work. I think my body and mind was exhausted. No wonder I was beginning to feel complacent.

Lack of job satisfaction aside, I am begining to feel weary of this job. I am doing this for the money. But doing just for the money - without sounding a like prostitute - isn't enough apparently. I like to move on with life and do something else. But I am scared. Scared of what? I don't know. The unknown? Surely there must be something that I can do which is in alignment with who I am. If this is what I meant to do in life, why does it feel like it is hurting me so bad? Why does it feel like I absolutely detest it; like I don't deserve the money that I am getting. I feel like like I am not being honest with myself.

But what really upset me that night is the thought other people would have of me; the assumption they would make of me for not being promoted all these years. But really. Does it matter what they think? A big NO. My self worth as a human being does not hinged on other's perception of me. I am working for the money and that's all there is to it. As long as I know that I am working to the best of my capabilities every time, it does not matter.

This is another of Allah's test in the bigger piccture of my life which only He knows. George Washington failed so many times in his life. Yet the failures didn't stop him from becoming the President of United States at 60. Even the Prophet Muhammed SAW faced so many atrocities and challenges in his course of life. But that didn't hold him back from uniting the fissures between the arab tribes througb the spreading of Islam. Moreover, for theses great individuals, thier calling came late in their life.

I am not looking for a career in my company. It has never been my intention nor would it be from Day 1. I believe that my calling is in something else. At this moment I have no idea what that is. I would know when I am shown the way. My purpose in life is to fit into the bigger scheme of things. It may be as insignificant as opening a food stall or perhaps somewhere teaching kids to read. But what I hope is in whatever future endevour that I've been shown, it will bring me closer to Allah. That is what I am hoping for.